Nothing Without You (That Special Something sequel)

Chapter 22: Just sitting there

3rd January 1997. 10:23.

Everyone tried to move me. To talk to me. To make me live. But I didn't I just sat there. Frozen. Silent. Stuck in my depression.

I had this permanent pain in my stomach. I felt empty.

Sirius was gone.

I knew deep in my heart that should move. That I should continue. I found that strength when Lily and James died. But I couldn't bring myself to move this time. I just couldn't. Everytime I got close to moving, those grey eyes swam into focus. From the safe, happy eyes I saw everytime I looked at him, to the empty, dead eyes of the day he died. Scratch that. The day he was murdered.

A tear rolled from my cheek every so often.

So I just there, fiddling with my necklace, since the night he died. 

"Dorothy," Mrs Weasley would say gently to me. She visited me everyday at Grimmauld Place, hoping to shake me awake. "How are you feeling?"

But I didn't move.

"Dorothy," Tonks would say to me. She visited me every once in a while. "You alright?"

But I didn't move.

The only person I would ever move for was Remus, who stayed with me at Grimmauld Place. He would give me food, and I would shift only slightly to eat or drink. I would sit on the sofa. I would eat, drink and sleep there. I wouldn't move. I would just stare straight ahead of me, at the fireplace, where my red balloon was perched.

Sometimes I would give them a flicker of hope, by looking at them, and then I would snap back into place.

I felt disconnected. Like I was a robot, and someone had pulled one of my wires, that hadn't killed me, but just made me feel lost. Empty. Different. Missing.

My stomach would hurt all the time.

I screamed in the night, repeating his name over and over again. Sirius. Sirius. I would wake up sobbing, and Sirius would comfort me. I would not speak, just cry, and once I recovered, I would resume my position.

My necklace was always firmly gripped in my hand.

"Hey, Dorothy." Remus said in the morning, as he woke up again. I was still. "You didn't scream last night." I was silent and still. "I guess you didn't sleep." We were both silent for a moment. He sighed. "Do you want some tea?"

My head jerked towards him, and tears filled my eyes. "Yes, please." He sighed and sat next to me and gave me a hug. My voice sounded croaky. Considering the only time I spoke in the last six months was screaming in my sleep, it didn't surprise me.

"It's ok." Remus said, hugging me tightly. "I miss him too."

I sobbed hard in his shoulder. "Why did he leave? Why did he leave like this?"

"It's ok." Remus repeated.

"And I didn't do anything to stop it!" I continued. "He died because of me!"

"Don't be so silly!" Remus said, looking at me. "The only person's fault for Sirius's death is Bellatrix. And we'll get our revenge."

"I want him back!" I sobbed even harder. "He needs to come back."

"I know." Remus said, looking into my eyes. "But he's gone."

I let go of my necklace, letting it fall onto my chest.

Mrs Weasley came over, and was overjoyed to see me up and moving. She made me a big breakfast, which I ate slowly and carefully. I didn't finish it, and I felt sick already. Mrs Weasley sat me down and gave me a cold flannel, and I had a little nap. I mean little, because I woke up fifteen minutes later, screaming and crying. But instead of resuming my position I had kept before, I got up and had a shower.

It felt nice and hot on my skin, and I didn't want to get out. I felt pure in the shower. I felt like I was in another world, by myself. And then I realised I wasn't. I turned off the shower, and reluctantly got out, drying myself with my wand. I then picked up some underwear, trousers and woven vest, put them on, and went back downstairs into the misery.

Tonks had arrived. She looked different. Depressed even. Her hair wasn't pink, but a mousy brownish blonde. She looked rough. She waved at me, and I smiled weakly. She was sitting awfully close to Remus, who was talking quietly to her. I raised an eyebrow at him. Am I missing something?

Mrs Weasley sat me down at the kitchen table and gave me a small lunch. Half of a ham sandwich. It looked amazingly delicious, so I dug in. Mrs Weasley sat across from me.

"How are you, dear?" she asked gently.

Depressed. Lonely. Sad. Angry. Mournful. Unstable. Lost. Disconnected. "Ok." I breathed, biting into my sandwich. "How's life?"

She chuckled a little. "Still at war, I'm afraid."

"What have I missed?" I muttered.

"Well, let's see," Mrs Weasley started. "Mr Ollivander disappeared, The Brockdale Bridge and Millenium bridge were knocked down by death eaters, Fudge resigned as Minister and was replaced by Rufus Scrimgeour, and Professor Slughorn is now back at Hogwarts."

"Whoa." I said, astounded. "I've missed a lot."

"I'm sure there's more to come." Mrs Weasley replied weakly.

"I hope not." I sighed. I finished my sandwich. "Thanks." I muttered. I stood up, and I felt sick. I stumbled over to the sofa, and lied down, unsure of what to do.

No job, no hobbies, no Sirius. I felt so lost without him. I felt like Nothing without him. Just a lump on the earth with no meaning. Nothing.

Tonks and Mrs Weasley had left, and Remus and I were alone again. He brought out our old board games, and we played them for a while, but I wasn't much fun. I guess I just didn't want to laugh anymore.

"Are you tired yet?" I asked Remus, who was yawning.

"Not until you are." Remus swallowed.

"I'm always tired." I half-smiled. I got up off the floor. "Go to bed."

"Will you be ok down here by yourself?" He asked, walking up the stairs.

"I haven't been dead, Remus." I fully smiled. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." He yawned.

"Oh," I added. "And move back into your house. Soon. We both need to get out of here."

He nodded, and drifted off to bed. I walked over to the sofa, and lied down again. I couldn't sleep. I grabbed my necklace and held it tight, took one last glance at the red balloon, and shut my eyes tightly, feeling another sharp pain in my stomach.

A long night was ahead of me.