Sincerely, Niall [z.h.] ✔

Thursday April 17, 2013 Part Two

Dear Zayn, 

     I'm sorry about the previous letter. I didn't even write my signature out or anything, nor did I explain anything. I'm so sorry, I was just really mad and I didn't want to write to you just yet, but I felt like you deserved a letter. Here is a better letter now that I have calmed down enough to be able to think straight. 

     Therapy was worse today than it had ever been. Ms. James hates me, I know it. Everything was going fine, her asking the usual questions that she asks-how are you and such. I didn't really answer her because I don't see the point in it. You're coming home, you promised me you'd never leave me. You've never broken a promise. 

     Anyway, she asked to see my journal. I refused, of course, just like always. I only want your eyes to see what I am writing. I only want you to chuckle and cry as you read what I have said. I only want you to put it aside and hug me tightly, kissing my head like you do. You'd breath out through your mouth in a half sigh, half laugh as I close my eyes and relax. You've always had that power on me, being able to make me relax. 

     Right, back to the story. 

      Ms. James wouldn't take no for an answer today, and she asked repeatedly for the book, all of which I declined to give it over. She got mad after that and tried to pry it from my hands, but I wouldn't let her have it. By now I was causing a ruckus, shouting at her, telling her to let it go. She just hissed at me, telling me to hand it over. 

     At one point she slapped me, and I started crying hysterically as she got ahold of the book, huffing in annoyance. She plopped down in her seat and started reading, not even caring that she had just hit me and now I was sobbing. What kind of a therapist is she? If you were still here, you would go to her and jab your finger into her chest as you screamed at her until she got the message. That's just something you'd do for me because you love me and you don't like it when I cry. 

     By the time that I had finished crying, she was done reading the book. She said, and I quote, 'Zayn's not coming back, Niall, you need to get over it. Move on. He doesn't love you anymore. If he did love you, he never would have left you. When are you going to wake up? Stop writing these letters, they're pathetic.'

     I thought I had run out of tears, but boy was I wrong. I bawled like a little baby right then, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I know that I've thought about it all the time, that maybe you won't ever be found. Maybe you won't ever come back. And I wonder if you really did love me. Or could you not stand me, so you got up and left? 

      I think about that all the time, and it hurts then. But I hurts even more when the words are spoken out loud. When they're coming from some one else. I know what you'd say to me right now. You'd say that I shouldn't listen to her. That's she a mean person, trying to get me to believe her lies. But you aren't here with me. You aren't telling me that she's lying. Does that mean you don't love me anymore? 

     Who am I kidding? You said you'd always love me, no matter what. You promised to me that you'd always be by my side. Why would you leave now? I can't wait for you to come back. You probably have quite a story to tell me, and we'd have a lot of kissing and hugging to catch up on. 

     We'd cuddle through the night, and you'd tell me that I'm beautiful. That you love me. That I'm the best thing that has ever happened to you. I wouldn't say anything back, but that was always okay with you because you liked to make sure I knew all these things, and you wanted me to be grinning. You said you didn't need to be complimented because you were too busy giving me compliments to receive any. 

     Speaking of the night, those are the worse. Without you beside me, I can't sleep. I can't dream. I can't do anything other than cry over you. It's during the night that I get mad a lot. If you loved me, why'd you go missing? If you loved me, why did you disappear? Why did you have to hurt me like this? I know it might not be your fault, maybe you were kidnapped, but I don't think that's the case. You're too strong and powerful for anyone to kidnap you. You could fight them off. 

     You wouldn't have run away from me, would you? You loved me, you needed me. I don't think that's the case. But still, without you here to reassure me, how am I to know for sure that you loved and needed me before you disappeared? 

I love you, Zayn. 

Sincerely, 

Niall