Sincerely, Niall [z.h.] ✔

Thursday June 13, 2013

Dear Zayn, 

     Therapy is become a burden to me. Ms. James doesn't even care about me, it's obvious to tell. She hardly asks me questions, and when she does, she always criticizes my answers. I think I'm just going to stop answering her. Or maybe just not go at all. But now that I think about the second answer, I realize that it's not a good idea. Greg, Louis, or Harry would just drag me there if they found out I had stopped going. Such wonderful friends and family I have, huh? I wonder if you would take my side on this or theirs. I used to be able to say my side without hesitation, but now I don't think I can. I don't know you like I used to. 

     Maybe I really am depressed. Maybe I do need therapy. Maybe I've changed since you left. I know the last one is true for sure, and I think the first one is, too. But if I'm depressed, that means I need therapy, right? I don't know, it hurts my head too much to think about. I didn't tell you about my new problem, did I? Well, for a while now, whenever I try and think about something really hard, my head starts to hurt. I don't know why, but I get this feeling it's because of the accident. Maybe I should go to the doctor because it starts to hurt even when I don't think about something very hard. 

      Well, not much has really happened since I last wrote to you. Greg made some pancakes with chocolate chips in them for breakfast on Tuesday, and he woke me up real sweetly. I, however, was not in the mood for it at all. So he crawled into bed with me instead and held me. He petted my hair and kissed my head, and it helped relax me when I didn't even know I was tense. Deep down, though, it hurt for him to do this. Even though I'm becoming numb to the things people do to me that you used to do, it hurts a little. I still love you. 

      When Greg finally got me out of bed, I scarfed down the breakfast he had prepared. It's been a while since I had a nice meal, and I didn't know how much I missed it until it was in my mouth. I don't know how much Greg ate, but I do know it was less than me, seeing how I ate more than half of the pancakes. Greg didn't say anything about it, but he watched me the whole time with a smile on his face. 

      After that Greg told me to get dressed and meet him back in the living room. Although I was confused on what he was planning, I did what he said and stood beside him not ten minutes later. We got out our bikes, me on yours and him on mine, and then he rode out of the garage and down the street. I followed him, trying to get used to all the dips and curves of your bike. I know it would have been easier for me to ride on mine, but I didn't want to have to see someone who wasn't you riding your bike in front of me. It would hurt too much. 

      Greg led us to a stream that was about a forty five minute ride on bike. It was quiet and peaceful, and we were the only ones there. He sat next to the stream and watched me as I kicked off my shoes and socks to go wading in the water. Despite it being June, the water was freezing on my toes. The mud squished between my pale toes, and the rocks jabbed into the sensitive parts of my feet. I hardly noticed them at the time as I waded further and further in. It all felt so good, so calming to my heavy mind. I almost forgot about everything that was happening. 

     I stayed in that water for over an hour, and only got out when Greg said it was time to leave. We mounted the bikes and headed home while the sun set behind us. By the time we got home it was dark and I was exhausted from pedaling so much. We headed off to bed in the same arrangements, and when I woke up, Greg was still there. We had another breakfast together and then played board games all day. I won most of the games, but that was only because Greg let me win. But that was okay. 

     We went out for dinner to the burger place in town. It was weird to go without you-as we had gone on so many dates to this place-but Greg kept my mind off of it. It was a nice day, and it saddened me to have to go back home. Greg told me he'd take me to therapy, but then he had to go home and take care of his new girlfriend I have yet to meet. 

      So that's how I got here, to Thursday. I'm not sure what I'll do today alone again. But Buttercup hasn't left my side since I got home, so I guess I'm not really alone, am I? 

I love you, Zayn. 

Sincerely, 

Niall