Sincerely, Niall [z.h.] ✔

Saturday June 22, 2013

Dear Zayn, 

     This day has been so long. I woke up really late and skipped breakfast, but Buttercup wouldn't let me sleep through lunch, too. But I guess that was okay because we both watched a movie together after we had eaten. I really wish we had a new movie to watch, since we've watched all of our movies so many times already. Oh well. We popped popcorn and cuddled together. I didn't pay much attention to the movie, I was too busy thinking about you. How much longer do I have to wait until I finally accept the fact that you're not coming back? How much longer do I have to wait until my days become sad and lonely forever? 

      If you're not coming back, does that mean I should take down the photos of us hanging on the walls? I really don't want to, but I don't want to be reminded of my loss every time I walk down the hallway, either. When do I move your stuff around in our room? I'm afraid I might ruin your memory if I touch anything. It's so hard to know when to do things. Like how to know when I should start convincing myself I don't love you anymore. 

      That's not true. I think that no matter what I say, I'll always love you deep down. If I get mad at you, or say I hate you, I'll still love you. We were meant to be, Zayn, and I won't ever give up on that. It just lies on you now; have you given up on that? On us? On me? See, these are the questions I really want to ask. I just need to know the answers to put me at ease. But I know I won't get the answers now, if ever. And that saddens me greatly. 

      Anyway, after the movie was over, I decided to go on a walk because it was getting quite stuffy in our house, and I wanted to stretch out my legs. I just walked around the block and then headed to the coffee shop on the corner of the street a ways away. It was really nice to walk in there and have the workers wave and smile to me. The atmosphere was nice and friendly, and I was relaxed within a few seconds. However, I sat alone. I guess it was okay, though, because I ordered hot chocolate with a lot of whipped cream, and it was nice. I think I'll go back there some time. 

      After that I decided to go down to the pond in the middle of town. There was only a straight couple there, laughing and giggling with one another. I tried not to look or hear, but that didn't work out so well. It was painful, but I held my head high. I picked some flowers and stood next to the waters edge. Then I picked the petals one by one. 

"He loves me. 

He loves me not. 

He loves me. 

He loves me not." 

      Until there were no petals left. Thankfully I ended with he loved me. And you're that he, in case you were confused. You'll always be that he. Does that make you smile? Does that make your heart swell with love for me? Or do you just sigh loudly and roll your eyes at how love struck I am over someone who doesn't love me? I really hope it's not that, because I will always love you, and I hope you always love me too. Thinking that you do love me is one of the few things that keep me going. 

      Once I actually got back home, it was only a little after five and the phone was ringing. It was Louis and Harry asking if I would come over for dinner tomorrow. I declined, as always, but after a lot of begging and pleading, they finally convinced me to come over tomorrow. At least I won't have to cook, and it'll be nice to see the two lovebirds again. They're so adorable. 

      When the two hung up the phone, I thought I'd play some video games. It's not as fun when you're playing with yourself, but I was able to come in fourth on Mario Kart. I felt so proud of myself because usually I come in last, but there was no one to celebrate with. Buttercup was on the couch asleep, and I didn't want to wake her up for something so silly as a video game. So I just quietly turned it off and went to find something else to do. 

      I came up short on what to do, so I decided, why not write you a letter? I figure I'll bring this book to dinner tomorrow so I can tell you what happens. Are you proud of me for actually deciding to go? Are you laughing to yourself and saying, "Finally."? Or are you just crumbling up this letter and tossing it in the waste basket? Oh, I do wish that my mind wouldn't do this to me. I hate to think about all these awful possibilities, but I just can't help it. I'm such a mess. 

I love you, Zayn. 

Sincerely, 

Niall