Sincerely, Niall [z.h.] ✔

Wednesday May 15, 2013

Dear Zayn, 

     You never gave me a name for the cat, so I had to give her a name, because I was not just going to call her 'cat' all the time. I named her Buttercup, I hope that's okay with you. I know it's only fair that I get to name her since I got her, I'm taking care of her, and you're not here, but you can't help that, so I don't count that as a very good reason. But I think it would be nice if you were here, I want Buttercup to get to know you. 

     I went to therapy again on Monday, and it was just Ms. James. Liam had to visit his parents because his mum was sick or something like that. I was afraid that Ms. James would hurt me, but she just went through all the same questions that she's always asked. I hated it because she criticized every single answer that I gave. "Why are you sad?" "Because Zayn's not here." "You shouldn't let someone have that much control over your feelings, stupid. He's gone for a reason, just move on and be done with him." 

      Needless to say, I was on the brink of tears. I felt pathetic. I desperately wanted you to be there and pull me into your arms and run your fingers through my hair as you whisper in my ear. You'd sing to me, and you'd always sing the same song, A Thousand Years. You always knew that I loved that song, it was one of my favorites. It still is, but it's not the same when you aren't here next to me, singing softly in my ear. 

      When I eventually got home, I started crying. Buttercup knew I was upset, so she cuddled up with me and licked my tears away. It was so cute, but it wasn't the same as you kissing my tears away. I miss the feeling of your rugged lips against my skin, you'd always leave it pink and flushed. You're the only one who had that effect on me, and I'm glad because I wouldn't want anyone else to have that effect on me. You're the only one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I hope that wherever you are, you still want to grow old with me. That you still want to wake up with me next to you on the bed. That you want to help me make pancakes in the morning-chocolate chip because that was always both of our favorite kind. 

      Sometimes I think that you'll never come back home, and it makes me want to throw up. You said that we'd be together forever, and nothing could ever change that. But has it changed? Have you, wherever you are, changed who you are? Would I even recognize you when you get back? Are you still the same Zayn I lost? Or are you this completely different person, who doesn't care about me anymore? I hope you still love me, because I will always love you. 

      I remember one day when someone asked me what I saw in you. I mean, look at us. You're this bad looking boy, complete with the leather jacket, heavy boots, tattoos, piercings, and smoking. And then I'm this puny little boy with dyed blonde hair and innocent blue eyes as you've told me. We make a very unusual couple to most people, but for us, it always worked. What's that saying that people use? Opposites attract? I never believed it until I met you. 

      I had another dream the other night. I wouldn't call it a dream, it was more like a nightmare. You were in the bathroom again, the stupid little razor in your hands. You were crying again, and you looked like a wreck. You just kept crying over and over "I'm so sorry, so, so sorry." And just as you brought the weapon to your wrist, I'd burst through the door with tears streaming down my face. You looked up and brought the razor across your wrist, drawing blood. I screamed-whether it was just in the dream, or in real life as well, I'm not sure. You winced and dropped the weapon before I threw myself at you. 

      You hugged my tightly before whispering the same words over and over. It was almost like you were a broken record, your tears choking your words. I asked you what you were sorry about, why you'd do this, where you were, but you just repeated your words again. I couldn't get you to stop, and you were shaking so badly. The blood wouldn't stop flowing from your wrist, and I tried to add pressure, but you were shaking like a leaf, it was hard to do that. Eventually your legs buckled and you went crashing to the ground. I held you in my arms and started screaming, and that's when I woke up. 

      I was sweating a lot, and my wrists itched to feel the burn you must have felt when you used the razor. I almost went to go get the razor, just to feel something other than pain. But I couldn't get up because Buttercup was asleep on my chest, and I didn't have the heart to move her. Sometimes I think that she's you because she kept me from doing stupid things, things that I'd regret later. Things that you would hate if I did. So I'm going to try and be strong. For you. 

I love you, Zayn. 

Sincerely, 

Niall