Sincerely, Niall [z.h.] ✔

Saturday May 18, 2013

Dear Zayn, 

    Liam wasn't at therapy again on Thursday, still visiting his mother. Ms. James didn't make me cry. In fact, she hardly spoke to me at all, too busy talking to someone on the phone. So I pulled out a journal and started to draw pictures. I drew you, happy with a smile on your face, right next to me-where you should be-holding my hand. I put a smile on my face, too, even though I don't smile a lot anymore. But that will all change when you get back here. Once I got home, I hung the picture above the bed, right next to all of yours that you drew. Most of them being me, of course. 

      Greg called me as soon as I hung the picture up. He's having a dance at his college and he wanted to invite me to it. Looks like I will get to see him in that suit again. I told him I'd think about it, but I already know the answer. As much as I want to, I can't go. People would make fun of me, not only for how unsmart I am now, but my scars, too. I didn't tell Greg this, though, and I won't because I don't want to make him feel bad. 

      Once I was off the phone, I cooked dinner for me and Buttercup, and we cuddled and watched movies again. So far we've seen all of the movies once, and tomorrow we will start over and watch them again. On Friday my mum called me. She sounded really tired, and she didn't seem totally focused on our conversation. She asked me how I was and if you had come home yet-which actually surprised me because my mum never asked about you in the past. Maybe she is finally understanding that it's killing me not to be with you and just wants what makes me happy, which, of course, is you. 

     We didn't talk long, mum saying something about having to run to the store. She hung up pretty quickly after that, though I have no clue why. After that I was going to go and sleep some because the nightmares of you have been keeping me awake. However, your sister's name caught my eye and I decided to try and call her again, just to see if she'd pick up the phone. To my surprise, she did. I asked her how she was holding up with you being missing and she nearly broke into tears just by that alone. 

      We didn't talk much after that because she cried and told me that she was so sorry for being cold and distant to me, but that I'd understand later. Then she told me she had to go because she was afraid that it would break her down completely. I didn't even get to say goodbye to her before she was gone. So overall, the phone calls were a bust that day, and didn't help raise my spirits in the slightest. 

     Today Louis called me and told me that him and Harry were coming over tomorrow. So I decided to clean the place up because I haven't done so and I wanted a distraction from everything. Despite me staying in pretty much the same places all the time, the house was really messy. Has it really been since before you went missing that I last cleaned? Well, I guess if it was, we would have done the cleaning together. I started with the kitchen because the dirty dishes were really piling up. It was weird not working with you, and it wasn't as much fun. Halfway through the dishes Buttercup came over and started rubbing her head against my leg. It tickled, and I giggled, not expecting you to laugh with me this time. 

      Despite me knowing you weren't there, it still hurt because I haven't heard your laugh in thirty seven days. I haven't seen your smile in thirty seven days. I haven't heard the words 'I love you' fall from your lips in thirty seven days. I haven't cuddled with your warm, safe body in thirty seven days. And it's killing me inside and out. I need you Zayn, please. I can't go on like this much longer, it's too painful. I'm begging you, Zayn, please come home. 

     I know that there's this big possibility that you're never coming back home. And as much as that frightens me, I need to start seeing it as an option. I need to start preparing for what I'm going to do if that were to happen. My heart is heavy at the thought of you never coming back, but my mind is thinking logically. If you can stand to be away from me for thirty seven days, couldn't you stand to be the rest of your life away from me? 

      I'm scared that if you're not here by my side, I'm only going to fall apart more and more than I already have. I'm scared that I'm going to become more and more stupid now that you're not here. I'm scared that I'm going to become one of those cat ladies who owns a thousand cats. Please come home, Zayn. I'm scared. 

I love you, Zayn. 

Sincerely, 

Niall