Insomniac

SEVEN

Remember when I said things were getting better? I lied. How terrible of me? I just didn't want my life to seem like a mess anymore. It just got worst. I thought the last appointment would be the last. Really I did. I have come to the realization that I can't keep up this lie. I hate my life. Ge-off is a horrendous person, Jay is worse, my dad is back, and now I have a secret. And I can't tell anyone about it because too many people already know. I thought I was dreaming. I thought it was all a figment of my imagination. Life definitely has a way of giving me hell. My mom has been lying to me and now I can't seem to catch a break. A break that's all I want.

Do you remember our first appointment and you asked me what I wanted. I didn't know then. I truly just thought that if I lied my way through therapy it would get better. My life would mysteriously fall into place. I didn't want to be this person. You know the one. The person who lets their depression rule/control them. That's exactly what I've become. Swallowed by the feeling of darkness. I wanted to be better than I was.

There was a time in my life when all I wanted to do was go to rallies and scream. I still do. There isn't anything here that makes me feel like that. When I was at those rallies I belong. Everyone there had the same agenda. We just wanted the heroes back. I still want them back. My life is hell. I want to go back to South Carolina. My friends are there, that's not a shot at Alex. She just doesn't understand me or what my mind is like.

After we moved I became the outcast. In my old school, I was known. I created a club for people like me. I was the smartest in my class and the easiest person to talk to. I helped anyone I could and no one felt "threatened" by me. It makes no sense to me. Why is my life turning into this catastrophe? What did I do wrong? I am trying so hard to be the girl everyone wants me to be but its harder than I ever thought possible. How do people do this?

I'm sorry doc. I should've been honest with you from the beginning. I think I'm going crazy. The part about my parents hurt the most. They've been in contact with each other this entire time. The whole time I thought my dad just up and left without a word. It's funny how we're told not to tell lies. What do you do when the people who are supposed to protect and love you are the ones telling you the most lies?

I don't know what to do anymore.