My Thoughts And Other Randomness

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,
  Do you know how much this is killing me? It's been weighing me down. It's been drowning me. You just..left. I didn't even get a goodbye, I didn't get a explanation...
  I don't understand. How could you stay around for so long.. Claim to care.. And then just.. Prove the exact opposite. You haven't called. Haven't texted. Nothing. What did I expect? I expected you to still be around. You made the same promise so many times over.. "Even if your mother and I split up, I will always be here.."
  Well where are you now,Dad? Where are you when I need you so much. Where are you when I cry every fucking night that you aren't here!?
  I hate you. So much. But I still love you, so much. The hate that I have, and the love that I have for you is constantly battling one another. I can be in a crowd of people, yet I still feel so alone. I feel so lost, Dad. You were my guide. How could you already have forgotten about us? Does it even bother you, at all?
  I guess if it did, you would be here, somewhere. But you aren't, so that gives me my answer, doesn't it? I've wasted so many tears on you. And here I am.. Writing this.. Wanting to cry over you, again. I feel so fucking stupid for trusting you. For believing all the lies you told. For putting so much faith in the promises you made.
  It's a battle. Getting up everyday, getting dressed, keeping it all together.. It is such a fucking battle. I can't go anywhere in this town without seeing you. Without wishing so much that you were here. I can't do anything without thinking of you. I can't do anything without wishing you were here to see me. I can't stand the thought of making new memories, because you'll no longer be in the memories. But the years filled of memories haunt me everyday.
  I want to just run back to the old house. I could still feel you there. Now, I don't feel you at all..
  I hate you. I love you. I miss you. And all while feeling that, I wish I would've never met you. I hope you know you caused the worse heartbreak I've ever had. You caused the worse pain I've ever felt.
  But what do I do now? I'm still trying to figure that out. I keep getting up. I keep myself on track. I don't let this destroy me completely. And I try to keep my mind away from you. I'm going to keep fighting through this. I'm going to keep going. I'm going to stay strong. That's what I'm going to do now.