Winter (A Bucky Barnes recovery story)

17. Horror

When Bucky woke up he huffed, remembering that he was stuck in bed. After about an hour he was becoming restless. After an hour and a half he started hitting his head on the pillow, earning threats to be sedated which made him stop instantly, last time he was in the hospital they sedated him and he was plagued by nightmares he couldn't wake up from.

The tension between Steve, Natasha and Bucky was immense. When they were together there was an uncomfortable silence. Bucky was the one harboring the most guilt, unable to apologize, to stubborn for his own good.

After another couple hours Bucky was practically paranoid, jumping at every noise and counting ceiling tiles until his vision blurred. He chewed on his lip until it was raw and tender, then began quietly muttering random things in Russian. He forced himself to try and remember, and only stopped when he was shaking and sweating.

Bruce hung around with him for most of the day while everyone else did who knows what. At one point during the evening Bruce sat next to him and asked, "What happened between Steve, Nat and you?"

"A disagreement." Bucky replies and Bruce doesn't push it.

When he falls asleep his dreams are plagued by memories.

"People are gonna die Buck, I can't let that happen. Please don't make me do this." Bucky remained unmoving staring at his target, he deflected the shield with his arm and fired multiple shots. Steve moves forward and Bucky fires more shots, Steve swings at him and he deflects it with his arm and fires more shots, they grapple with each other Bucky placing a shot in Steve's side then pulling a knife. He stumbles back after a punch then they attack each other again, falling over the edge. They fought harder and when a piece of the structure trapped him Steve saved him. Bucky's head hurt when Steve spoke saying a meaningless name and other meaningless words. He jerked forward delivering punches with jerky, injured movements. He punched again and again and as a light of recognition filled his eyes his arm moved forward without his consent, and Steve stopped moving.

He jerks awake and sits straight up with a cry of pain and terror, hands force him back down where he remains shaking and gasping for breath his eyes wide with horror.

"It's okay, shh it's okay, it's okay." Nat says, brushing back a strand of his hair. Bucky whimpers, his back burned and so did his arm. He draws another ragged breath and closes his eyes, only to open them again as the images flash across his eyelids. He searches around desperately for conformation that it wasn't real. When his eyes lock on Steve he sighs.

They flip him onto his side and Bruce looks at his back, "Tony, antiseptic and bandages." Bruce instructs, Tony nods and rushes to grab them. He comes back and hands them to Bruce.

Bucky bites back a sob, and tries not to scream at both the pain and the horrible nightmare. He inhales sharply as Bruce removes the bandage, and it pulls off the new flesh in some places. He cries out and thrashes when Bruce uses the antiseptic, reality and hallucinations blurring together. He feels hands strapping down his arms and he screams.

"I can't do anything while he's thrashing, but I need to stop the bleeding." Bruce says sternly, "I'm sorry, I have to sedate him."

Bucky screams again as if to prove his point, and before anyone can object Bruce has already placed the syringes tip into Bucky's vein, he injects the sedative and Bucky slumps against the bed his chest heaving. His eyes close slowly and Bruce begins to stem the bleeding.

"He heals like you, doesn't he?" Bruce asks looking at Steve.

"Yeah, why." Steve says, looking up.

"I'm gonna have to give him stitches but we'll have to remove them before his body has time to heal around them." Bruce says, pulling out the materials. Steve nods and Natasha watches Bucky as his eyebrows knit together and sweat forms on his brow.

"Oh James." Natasha sighs in Russian, brushing his hair out of his face. Steve looks away as Bruce stitches up Bucky's wound, he was used to wounds but it wasn't something he enjoyed seeing.

Nat watches as Bucky's fists clench and unclench, both arms once more  strapped down at his side, he grits his teeth. Not even an hour under and his shirt is drenched in sweat and clinging to his body. The whole night seemed to drag on, and neither Steve, Nat or Bruce left his side.

Bucky's dreams were terrifying, plagued with images of Hydra, memories of falling, immense darkness, and pain. So much pain. He wanted to wake up, pull out of the dark, terrible place he was in but he was unable to. Held under by the sedative, his memories like chains binding him, caging him in the darkest parts of his mind, suffocating him with fear. Yet no one could help him.

Steve felt awful every time he heard Bucky whimper, or watched him grind his teeth. He wanted to help him, he may have been mad at him but no one deserves to suffer the way he knew Bucky was suffering. He had his own nightmares and knew what it was like to wake up terrified, forcing yourself to remember it's not there.

"It's not real Buck, it's not real." He mumbles, putting his head on the bed.