Winter (A Bucky Barnes recovery story)

32. Remembering

Bucky didn't get out of bed that day. He hid from the world and tried to remember. After hours of this, it resulted in him hunched over the toilet retching and a major headache.

When he was finally okay a memory decide to finally reveal itself.

"What do you want me to do?" He said softly.

"I don't know Buck. Stop getting hurt because of me." Steve says quietly. Cleaning Bucky's split lip,

Bucky sighs. "Well I can't let you die Stevie."

"Maybe it'd be easier for you if I did." Steve whispers, eyes on the ground. Bucky tenses, and Steve looks up at him. He felt guilty when he saw the upset and hurt look on his friends face.

"I'm sorry." Steve sighs, he moves his hand up to a cut above Bucky's eye.

Bucky pulls away, "don't. Just don't."

"I'm sorry. Please. I take it back." Steve pleads, he looked desperate and guilty.

"Steve... I don't jump in because I pity you. Because I don't. Steve, I jump in and take a beating because I don't know what I'd do without you... I'm just... I need you to see that I care. That I need you Steve. I... I'm not sure what I'd do without you." He whispers and gets up. He walks out of the small bathroom and to their small living room.

Steve watches as he throws all the blankets from the couch onto the small twin bed in the other room. Bucky lays on the couch with his back facing Steve. Steve looks at the floor guiltily then slowly turns off the lights and goes to his room.

He lays on the bed wrapped in all the blankets. It was still kind of cold in the room. It was late when he got up, he was shaking slightly from the cold. Dragging all the blankets with him he walked into the living room to find Bucky absolutely trembling on the couch.

He sighs and covers him with the blankets then crawls under and lays beside him. Bucky somehow manages to roll over without knocking Steve off.

"Are you still mad?" He whispers quietly.

Bucky sighs and rubs his face. "I was never mad Stevie. I just don't like you thinking like that. Because you are important. And you do matter. You matter to me. And if others can't see how great you are, that's their problem."

Steve nods and leans into Bucky. Bucky gently wraps his arms around him. Steve falls asleep in no time.

Bucky sniffles slightly as another tear slips out. He's thankful for the lack of light in the room, he'd been crying before Steve came in. He looks at Steve and more tears escape his eyes. "I can't lose you Stevie." He whimpers, eventually he too drifts off. Leaving early the next morning for work.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Steve looked up as he walked through the door and Bucky stood up a little straighter. "Hey Stevie." Bucky sighs going in the direction of the kitchen.

"Hey Buck." Steve says quietly, watching him. Bucky sets the groceries on the counter and leans against the sink with his back to Steve.

"How does soup sound?" Bucky asks quietly.

"Uh good, Are you okay?" He asks looking concerned. Bucky nods then turns around to smile at him.

"Perfectly fine." He smiles, trying to ease his friends concern. He turns back and begins to make dinner. He could feel Steve watching him so he did his best to hide it.

Bucky walked over and set a bowl of soup in front of Steve and then sat heavily in his own chair.

Steve looks at him and gives him a serious look. "You aren't okay, what's wrong?"

Bucky rubs his face and sighs, "Its nothing Steve. It doesn't matter."

"Bucky seriously. Tell me." Steve demands, crossing his small arms over his chest.

"I'm fine. Now eat your soup." He replies, giving him a look. Steve huffs and look at him in all seriousness.

"Bucky, what's wrong." He says.

Bucky sighs and looks at Steve. "I slipped on some Ice today. There. I told you now stop complaining and eat your soup."

"That's not all of it Buck, what aren't you telling me?" He pleads, Bucky sighs and looks at him.

"I did something to my ankle but I'm fine." He replies, Steve stares at him.

"You can't go to work tomorrow." He says simply.

"I am going and you can't stop me." He says sighing. "We really can't afford that right now."

"But you're hurt Buck! You shouldn't have to work when you're injured because of me." Steve says angrily.

"Steve, sit down and eat your soup. I'll be fine." Bucky replies sternly. Steve sighs then sits down and begins to eat his soup quietly. When they finish Steve stays at the table and sketches.

Bucky cleans up the dishes and walks into the bathroom. He comes out with a tattered shirt. He sits heavily on their couch.

Steve watches quietly as Bucky tugs off his boot. His ankle was swollen slightly and looked painful. Bucky wraps strips of the tattered shirt around his ankle, Steve watches sadly.

"I'm not letting you go to work tomorrow." He says quietly.

"I told you I'm going and I'm sorry but you can't stop me." Bucky replies, gritting his teeth when he sets his foot down and stands up.

"I won't let you. Simply because you're always there for me when I'm sick of hurt. You already do so much for me. You can take one day off." He sighs.

"I can't pal." He sighs, then continues. "I'm going to bed." He sighs before wandering away. Steve watches him go sadly.

Bucky curls up by the toilet trembling violently, his headache was so bad that darkness clouded his vision. He mewls like a kitten, sobbing relentlessly. Steve finds him and carries him to his bed. He stays with him faithfully.