Winter (A Bucky Barnes recovery story)

14. Crash

Bucky wakes covered in sweat and on the floor, he looks around then buries his face in his hands. He cries, the sobs wracking his body and his tears smearing on his palms. He remains hunched over and doesn't answer the phone when it rings nearly two hours later. He rocks himself back and forth, his fingers are wound tightly around strands of his hair and he is continuously pulling on them.

Natasha called James for a second time and when he didn't reply she goes over to his house. She kneels by the door and picks the lock. When she hears the click, she stands and pushes the door open. She walks in and shuts the door behind her. "James?" she calls wearily.

Bucky in the bedroom, curls up even tighter and pulls his hair harder.

"James?" Nat says, she walks into the bedroom and sees him on the floor curled up tightly, pulling his hair. She rushes to his side and tries to pry his fingers out of his matted tangle hair. "James, hey stop. Look at me. James."

He remains curled up and he begins to mutter profanities in Russian, and amongst those profanities were words such as monster, despicable and inhuman, weapon, destroyer.

Nat could tell he was inconsolable, and so she pulls out her phone and dials Steve. She quickly tells him what's happened and he hangs up then races over. He opens the door and races to the bedroom.

"What happened?" Steve asks, he kneels next to them.

"I don't know. I called him and he didn't pick up. So I came over and found him here.." she attempts to pry his fingers from his hair again. "Come on James let go. Steve help me get his fingers loose."

"I killed so many. So much death. I... I'm a... a monster." Bucky whimpers in Russian.

"Shh James. That wasn't you " she whispers soothingly.

"So much... so many..." He stutters, his hands grip tighter on his hair and he pulls again the knuckles on his right hand going white.

"What's he saying?" Steve says trying once more to pry Bucky's hand from his hair. He succeeds with Bucky's left hand and Natasha manages to get his right hand. Bucky pulls his hands away then curls up tighter, burying his face.

"Nothing. He's just mumbling things." She replies, she pushes back a strand of Bucky's hair from his face. Bucky suddenly uncurls and pushes himself into a sitting position.

"I killed the Starks." He whimpers in Russian, biting his lip hard enough to cause it to bleed.

"Oh James." She pulls him into an embrace. He pushes her away and moves into the corner, bringing his knees up to his chest.

"S-stay away." He mumbles, his eyes wide and similar to that of a caged animal. Steve takes a small step forward and Bucky pushes himself back further. "I said... st-sta-stay away."

"Steve, he said stay away. Just give him space." Nat translates then warns, watching Bucky carefully. Bucky looks back and forth between them.

"I killed the Starks... I... I staged the crash... I killed them..." He stammers in English, his hands shaking.

"You didn't know what you were doing." Nat coos, Steve crouches in front of him.

"It's okay Bucky." He whispers, reaching out a hand. Bucky swats the hand away out of instinct and moves into a defensive crouch.

Steve recoils and clutches his hand, a bruise already beginning to form, from where metal met skin. Bucky stares at Steve in shock, unable to believe what he'd done.

"Get out." He hisses, his hands shaking in a mixture of fear of himself and anger at himself.

"James." Natasha says wearily, backing up.

"Get out!" he shouts, stepping forward angrily.

Steve grabs Natasha's arm and pulls her outside the door. Bucky moves forward and slams the door. He paces the room, gritting his teeth. He shouts and over turns things, and he pulls on his hair.

Steve and Nat stand outside the door helpless. Unable to help him when he needed them. They could hear the frustrated cries as well as the noises of things being overturned and thrown.

Bucky sinks to his knees and sits there gripping his right arm, his fingers digging into the soft flesh and causing a bruise. He thinks about exactly how he caused the crash, the way they looked as he sent them to their death. He remembered the details very clearly, and as he thinks he continues to clutch his upper arm not even registering the pain.

"What do you think he's doing?" Nat asks, when the room had fallen silent. Steve shakes his head and approaches the door. He places his hand on the knob, he swings the door open to reveal Bucky sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed.

As Steve opens the door Bucky's head shoots up, and he stares at them. He looks at them with a slight gleam of insanity in his eyes. "Bucky?" Steve says wearily, approaching him the way you approach a wild animal.

Natasha follows behind carefully, staying just a step behind Steve. Bucky watches them as they approach, his hand still clutching his arm. Steve crouches next to him, ready to jump back if something happened. He looks to Bucky's hand which was gripping so tight he'd break his arm if he gripped much harder.

"Bucky." Steve repeats, reaching forward and attempting to pry his hand from his arm. "Bucky, let go." He says softly.

Bucky stares at him and loosens his grip. Steve pulls his hand off his upper arm, then sighs and shakes his head seeing that the bruise is already forming.

"Hey. It's okay. It's okay." Steve says, he moves closer to Bucky. Bucky watches him carefully, and as Steve draws closer he relaxes. Steve places his arms around Bucky, and pulls him into an embrace.

Natasha sits cross legged on the floor in front of the pair. Bucky was pale and he was covered in sweat, his eyes were wide with fear and red from crying. He looked like a mess, sitting there in Steve's arms shaking.

"You'll be okay, your here. Your safe and you won't ever go back." Steve whispers, rocking back and forth slowly in a soothing way. Bucky nods slowly and manages to stop shaking. Steve feels Bucky slump against him, and looks down. Bucky's eyes were mostly closed and his breathing had slowed.

Natasha moves forward and brushes back Bucky's hair and whispers soothing words. Nearly half an hour after Bucky fell asleep, Steve fell asleep both of them in the same position as earlier. Natasha stands and moves into the living room.