The Love of Lightning and Ocean

The Art of Being Held

A/N: This one's short, I know, especially for how long you guys have waited for an update. But I needed to write it, as it reflects how I'm feeling after recent events, including a big heartbreak. I hope the love of my life reads this and smiles to know I still care for them, even if we're a thousand miles apart. That my heart still belongs to them, and they'll always have my shoulder to cry on.

Dedicated to the girl who broke my heart, but only in the best way possible.

* * *

Looking back on it, I don’t really know what set it off.

It had been a fairly okay day, I guess. It was normal temperature for Hawaii mid February, albeit a bit muggy and uncomfortably hot. We had just finished a case the day before, and today was dedicated to the resulting paperwork. It was so normal. Just another day, another case, another criminal behind bars. Nothing to upset me.

When I started feeling my mood go down the drain at noon, I blamed it on paperwork. It was just the dullness, I had told myself, no need to tell Steve as he had once requested a few months ago after a bad mental breakdown. Then it worsened all at once. Everything was crashing down on me by two later that afternoon. My thoughts were fighting against me, my demons fighting and trying their best to win. Tears started pooling behind my eyelids, just waiting for the breaking moment.

“Hey, you okay?”

That one sentence. I should’ve said no. I should’ve said that I needed to go home now, that I wasn’t okay, that I was breaking down once again. But instead I looked into Steve’s eyes, and lied straight to his face, cocking my head to the side innocently and saying, “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

Almost immediately I regretted lying, but it was too late to take it back so I just went with it. McGarrett shrugged, turning back to his computer oblivious to my wince. “You seem quiet.”

“Just tired.” Another lie, another stab in my heart, unbeknownst to him.

“We can go home early if you want-”

I shook my head, plastering on a fake smile. “No no! I think I’m just going to go for a walk, okay? Wake myself up a bit.”

He looked at me in suspicion as I jumped up. “Are you sure? I can come with, or maybe Danny or one of the cousins could go with you…”

“Nah, don’t sweat it. Talk to you soon.”

Frowning, he only nodded. “Love you.”

But I was already out the door, and unfortunately didn’t hear him. I ran as soon as I reached the Smart Table, kept running even after Danny asked me where I was going and didn’t stop to answer him. I could feel him pressing into my thoughts, asking what was wrong. I pushed him away. A mental block went up. He didn’t need to know what was happening right now.

There were a few close calls where I almost ran into a tourist or visiting cop from HPD as I sprinted down the stairs and to the main floor. Someone called my name as I went out the door and the tears started falling. The demons had a good grip on me now, poisoning my thoughts, my love, my outlook on life. I was drowning in the darkness. It wasn’t long until I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going anymore, running blindly through my pain.

My legs burned after a while, but I didn’t care. Instead I welcomed the pain. Danny was frantically trying to break through my shields now. People stared and jumped out of the way as I ran past them, a few of the locals taking out phones to call the police after noticing who I was. Praying that they wouldn’t tell my team too much, I kept going.

And going.

And going.

It felt like hours that I’d been running, slowly making my way to the homes outside of the city. My legs were starting to give out when I reached an abandoned park, empty and lonely looking. I collapsed under one of the slides, curling into a ball and sobbing, hoping no one would see me.