Since Birth

Chapter Forty

She wasn't visibly upset over hearing that but she had refused to return to her vacation. She wanted to be there for Trevor and I did too. I was worried about him and she was trying to get him the help that he needed. She didn't want another tragedy on her hands.
"When Trevor was one he had his first seizure." She clicked her tongue and crossed her arms over her chest. "It had scared the living hell out of me and I think I froze up just watching him for a while. David reacted faster than I had despite I being the one with the medical degree." Her eyebrows knitted together. "He laid him on his side and yelled at me to call the police." She snickered and shook her head at herself thinking back on it. "I was a highly trained doctor and I had froze at the site of seeing my son convulse and lose consciousness." She looked at him and sighed deeply. "I realized then that I had to get inside someone's brain, realize what had caused such traumatic episodes. I thought I was doing some good." She looked back to me and drew in her bottom lip showing more emotion than I thought. "But then I got too good, I got too involved and in the midst of saving lives I had neglected the ones I had created." She took in another breath and she looked away from me tearful shaking her head. "I lost my baby because of my profession, I brushed her off when she had needed me most and I've done the same to my sweet baby boy." She began to cry now still trying to fight it and hold back but she couldn't. I went to comfort her and she accepted me willingly crying into my shoulder. Trevor had been sleeping again now and we were the only two left in the room so she could show emotion. She was holding that back for who knows how long and I felt her pain. She felt so much guilt for all of this and that was normal. I sure she had to have known that.
I comforted her as best as I could and went to sit back in the seat as she sought my hand.
"You're a good mother." I told her remembering the pain my own mother had brought my family. "You've done your best and that's all you could do."
"You're a good girl Emelie, you bring light into his life more than your sister ever could." She moistened her lips and looked in my eyes saying, "He loves you and you care and have always cared deeply about his wellbeing so I can commend that." She squeezed my hand tightly. "You're always very brave and strong after all that has happened. I appreciate you more than you know." She dropped my hand and got up from the chair smiling politely down at me. "Thank you." She grabbed up her purse and she left the room to let us be alone.
I got up and rubbed Trevor's arm. He gasped and opened his eyes slowly looking over to me sluggish.
"You're still here." His voice as hoarse and tired. "Look I'm sorry I made things worse between us."
"Not worse." I looked down to him sighing and sitting back down. "I shouldn't have upset you with my accusations. It wasn't right for me to say that."
"It wasn't fair for me to kiss you." He groaned and turned to look at me. "I wasn't in my right mind. I can see why you thought I'd do something like that but I meant every word I said."
"We just need to have a moment to think about it, you need a day to yourself and so do I." I blank several times making sure to say my words carefully.
"I loved Aimee because of her resemblance to you." He smacked his lips together and looked sleepily over my face. "I always knew you wouldn't date me but I can't lie to you when I say that I feel sparks when I kiss you. You've always been who I've wanted to end up with."
"Trevor, you don't have to explain now."
"But i need you to know now because I've been stupid and inconsiderate about all of this. I don't know boundaries and I need to." He paused for a moment and our eyes met holding a long gaze. "Emelie, I love you."

•••

I had went to see Issac after I had left Trevor with his parents. Of course he was at my house with my father and Aimee enjoying dinner. I had spent my entire day beside Trevor and I was finally rethinking who I had wanted to be with. I didn't want to be hurt by Trevor anymore but I felt he had learned so much by dating my sister. Issac was such a breath of fresh air and he was supposed to be my new start. He was nothing but charming, patient and just someone I've been waiting for. I was so torn.
"Issac?" I had dropped off my things and went into the kitchen to join them still in my now dirty dress. I was tired, I felt disgusting and I was conflicted.
He looked up to me and immediately got up to come beside me. "What's up?" He asked searching my eyes and I have a long sigh.
"Can we talk? In private?" My dad and Aimee stopped talking and began listening. He nodded and I turned away and walked upstairs to my bedroom as he followed me silently. What could I say?
He closed the door behind him and he sighed as well shoving his hands in his pockets saying, "I don't need to know what happened between you and Trevor. I just want to make sure you are doing alright."
"Not really." I said weakly looking up to him with pleasing eyes. "I guess I'm really just confused and overwhelmed by the day I've had."
He nodded agreeing. "It was a crazy ending to one of my best dates in a while. But you were there for him and I applaud that." He but his lip and walked towards me looking down to the ground sighing deeply. "You love him."
I looked to the door uncomfortably grabbing at my arm tightly. "How can't I?" I frowned trying not to cry again. "He's always been there for me despite everything and I've always loved him I have. I just," I stopped myself and looked back up into his eyes biting my lip nervously. "I forced myself to get over him because he was so in love with Aimee. I had moved on but I just keep falling for him." I couldn't believe how honest I was being with him. I usually had beat around the bush but now, I wanted to to let him know where I was at right now.
"So you want to be with him?" He didn't sound upset about it because he was trying to be understanding which I appreciated.
"I don't know what to do Issac because I like you, I do. But every time I'm with him and he kisses me, it just ignites all these feelings that I've held back for so long on respect for him and his life. I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm lost."
He brushed my hair from my face and closed in the space between us looking down to me. "Let me kiss you again." He offered looking deeply into my eyes as I stared up into his. I didn't know what to say or really what to do. Even though I had let him down he still wanted to kiss me. He wanted to be with me.
"I shouldn't." I whimpered still wanting to kiss him because it was magical. I just felt like I needed a break and I just wasn't catching one being tied to two guys that I liked.
His eyes fell down to my lips as if he knew that I had wanted to. And I did.. so I let him kiss me. His lips were tender but I felt he was trying too hard to impress me. It was indifferent and I felt that I had already had my mind made up about this. I looked down and shook my head not wanting to push this any further.
"I don't think I should carry on with this." I said quietly. "I don't think I'm ready for a relationship with anyone right now and it's unfair for you to endure this confused side of me."
"So you are going to him?" He asked sounding upset now and I shook my head.
"I didn't say that, I just need some time to think about it all."
"I'm very patient." He stepped back sighing bad shoving his hands in his pockets glumly. "I will wait for you Emelie and I'll keep my distance."
I looked up to him and he nodded before walking out of the room. I looked up to the ceiling sighing and then going to fall in my bed upset. What the hell was I going to do now?