I clutch my phone tightly, feeling so confused. My eyes scan over the text again and again.
'i was at a party with somebody earlier, we hooked up, im sorry.'
I dont really feel anything. I cant understand, cant comprehend. I feel lost.
'we were having a few drinks with some friends and i guess we just started kissing and it eventually led to more'
you guess you just started kissing? you guess? what do you mean you guess!
I feel a stinging sensation behind my eyes, biting my lip as not to cry. Another text appears.
'im sorry david, i didnt mean to'
I rest my head back, closing my eyes and biting my teeth together. My throat feels tight and my chest heavy.
How. How can you kiss somebody, go to a room, get your clothes off and have sex, without meaning to.
How can you go through all of that and not spare a single thought to your boyfriend?
The feeling of wanting to cry is almost overwhelming, but I try bite it down.
Yet the more I think it through and the more thoughts that float around in my mind, the harder it gets.
But ofcourse, who wouldnt fucking cheat on me. I dig my nails into the palm of my hand. Im useless, not good enough for anything and theres no bloody fucking reason to have me around.
My heart hurts.
The sound of another message makes my eyes focus back on my phone.
'please forgive me darling'
a small sound escapes my throat and the tears that have built up finally fall.
Fuck you! Fuck you so fucking much! You cant just do that to me, you cant just cheat on me and then make me forgive you and love you so fucking easily!
But he can, ofcourse he can. I stare unfocused at the screen, slowly typing out a reply.
'It's okay Simon, I forgive you, always. Are you okay?' Ive stopped crying, but the feeling of wanting to strongly remains, and gets worse as I keep typing.
Why do I do this to myself, why can I be so idiotic and forgive him time and time again. I thought he said he wouldnt do this to me anymore..
'Are you home now? Drunk?' I sit and stare blankly at the screen, still so confused, still so hurt, and still in love with him. He never replied.
I wake up the next morning, closing my alarm and looking through my messages.
He still hasnt said anything,
I dont feel much and get dressed.
I stare at the tv, not really paying attention and petting bert whos sitting in my lap.
Its been a while since me and Simon have talked, and normally that hurts quite a bit. But now I dont feel as much and that scares me.
Have I gone emotionless? That cant be true, I still laugh and am happy. But what is it then? Have I stopped caring about him?
My throat feels tight once again, but otherwise I feel fine.
I dont want to stop caring about him, no matter how much he hurts me.
Bert shifts but stays put.
Im so confused and still so lost. I dont want to feel empty. It scares me, after all these years of being okay majority of the time I dont want to feel like that again.
Im scared and no matter what, I still feel an ache deep in my heart.
