England 932 A.D.
In the distance, somewhere in the dark forest, is a loud noise. Because of a mist that covers the trees, it's quite difficult to see anything. The sound is getting closer and closer, until slowly a knight in silver and golden armor appears. His hauberk is heavy and the hundreds of iron rings are making a subdued ticking sound when he runs. His hauberk is covert with hard lether, as further protection for his arms and legs, with a golden sun figure made on it. Finally, he wears a strong helmet and a sword on the left side in his scabbard around his waist.
The knight runs, with his squire after him, through the forest and hops over streams. He runs like a horse and his squire bangs two coconuts together. Just like the sound that the hooves of a horse make, while running. The squire is carrying a large backpack. A large lance rises above it with a flag on the top.
"Whoa, there!", the knight shouts and he raises his hand.
There's a large castle in the distance. It's almost like it wants to be found. The knight in silver and golden armor, who still has his hand raised, moves his hand backwards and then forwards, signaling that they are moving on. He starts running again and the squire continues tapping the coconuts.
When they are near the castle, with only a few meters away, someone shouts: "Halt!"
The knight raises his hand again and he and his squire both stop. They look up.
"Who goes there?", a guard asks on top of the wall of the castle.
"It is I, Arthur, Son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot, King of the Britons, defeater of all Saxons, sovereign of all England!"
The sound of his voice echoes hundreds of yards away.
"Pull the other one.", the guard says with a high-pitched voice.
"I am, and this is my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master."
"What? Ridden on a horse?", the confused guard asks.
"Yes.", Arthur answers.
"You're using coconuts!"
"What?"
Arthur frowns his eyebrows. What is he talking about?
"You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together."
Arthur looks at his squire for a moment, hoping he would help him out, but the squire raises his shoulders. So, he looks back at the guard and has to answer for himself.
"So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land. Through the kingdom of Mercia, through..."
"Where did you get the coconuts?", the guard interrupts him.
"We found them."
"Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, this is a temperate zone!", the guard explains.
Arthur is starting to get a little irritated.
"The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.", he says.
"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"
"Not at all. They could be carried!"
"What? A swallow carrying a coconut?", the knight asks amazed.
"It could grip it by the husk."
"It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios!"
Arthur looks a second at his squire, who still hasn't said a word and still remains silent.
"A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut!", the knight on the castle continues.
"Well, it doesn't matter!", Arthur says annoyed. "Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from Camelot is here?!"
"Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?", the knight asks.
"Please!", Arthur begs.
The knight ignores once again the question of the King tries to get confirmation on his knowledge about the swallow.
"Am I right?", he repeats.
"I'm not interested!"
"It could be carried by an African swallow!", another knight suddenly shouts, who comes out with his head above the wall. The other knight answers: "Oh, yeah! An African swallow, maybe. That's not an European swallow. That's my point."
"Oh yeah, I agree with that."
Arthur decides to ask the other knight the same question. Maybe he'll get somewhere then.
"Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!"
Unfortunately the other ignores him just as much. Even worse, they don't look at Arthur anymore and they turn to each other. Of course they continue the conversation about the swallow.
"But then, of course, African swallows are non-migratory."
"Oh, yes. So they couldn't bring a coconut back, anyway."
Arthur is done with them and he decides to continue his journey.
"Wait a minute!"
The first knight thinks and asks: "Supposing two swallows carried it together?"
The other shakes his head.
"No, they'd have to have it on a line."
"Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!"
"What? Held under the dorsal guiding feathers?", the second knight asks to understand his mate's thoughts.
"Well, why not?"
Arthur doesn't know how long he was talking with the most annoying knights in this story, but this made him realize that they were of no use to him. He has to carry on.
YOU ARE READING
MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL
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