Red ~ TWD (Daryl Dixon)

Never Be the Same

"You could have been killed, do you get that?! You could have gotten Merle killed! How many people were in here, 20, 30?!" Both questions were rhetorical so I kept my lips sealed while Rick continued to vent. "This wasn't the plan Alex! You were supposed to surveil and report back...that's it!"

He'd already said all this, several times in fact, but this was a one-sided conversation so I didn't mention it. He needed to get this out, and honestly I deserved it. I'd intentionally misled him. I knew if I'd confided in him back at Alexandria he'd have stopped me.

"This goddamn Lone Ranger bullshit has to stop!"

Technically, I didn't go Lone Ranger. Merle was with me, but Rick wasn't in the right frame of mind to appreciate the discrepancy.

While I got my ass handed to me everyone else was rummaging through the compound, scavenging what we could as quickly as possible so we could get the hell out of here. The four wayward Saviors could return any minute. Not that we were particularly worried about four people, but there was always a chance someone got away, and brought back reinforcements. Plus, we'd made quite a ruckus in the last few hours so walkers would be joining us in droves shortly.

"Where the fuck did you get a bomb?!" He put a hand up to stop me from answering even though I had no intention of speaking. "You know what, never mind. I don't want to know! I'll just assume you made it out of bubble gum wrappers and scotch tape like motherfucking MacGyver!"

Bubble gum wrappers and scotch tape? That was preposterous. I was good, but I wasn't that good. I didn't think he was interested in the semantics of bombs at this particular moment so I decided to keep that to myself.

After he was positive neither Merle nor I were injured any hint of concern flew out the window leaving him furious. When he first started screaming his face was bright red, but it had passed red about 10-minutes ago. He was now encroaching on a shade of purple that couldn't be healthy.

"Do you have any idea what it would do to Daryl, to the group, to me, if you'd died!" I winced because I had considered that. I'd simply pushed the unbearable ache aside so I could get the job done. I'd done this for Daryl, for him, for the group. "We need you! I need you! He needs you! You don't get to unilaterally decide what's best for this group Alex!"

Clearly an Alex-tator-ship wasn't the same as a Rick-tator-ship.

A few people offered me sympathetic looks when they passed, but no one was brave enough to linger less they get caught in the crossfire. Not even my husband and brother-in-law came to my aide. When Rick hauled me outside Katniss simply gave me a knowing look that clearly said I was on my own. If I didn't know better I'd say he was enjoying this a little too much. Captain Hook found it downright hilarious. So much so he'd taken up a position a few feet away so he could watch it unfold in graphic, loud detail.

Traitors to the cause, both of them. If Rick killed me in a fit of rage they were going to be really, really sorry.

"I have to be able to trust you!" he continued, "You can't go off on your own every time you want to play hero!"

I curled my hands into fists, looking at his face for the first time since he started shouting. "Is that what you think?"

"I don't know what the hell to think! You leave promising to do nothing but look around, and we show up and find everyone dead and the building in flames!"

The building wasn't on fire, but I got his point. Saying one thing and doing another was frowned upon.

"I didn't want you guys risking your lives unnecessarily," I said softly.