Red ~ TWD (Daryl Dixon)

For What It's Worth

I left Rick and Daryl to debate the ins and outs of Two-Face's offer. Bottom line, I didn't trust him to hold up his end of the deal. Truthfully I didn't trust anyone to hold up their end of the deal. Not the trash people, not Hilltop, and certainly not The Kingdom who'd already flat out refused. As far as I was concerned we were on our own. If I was wrong, great, it would make killing The Saviors that much easier, but if I was right, well, then at least we'd be ready.

The house was quiet when I walked in save for one pissed off little girl. I took the stairs two at a time until I was outside her door. Carl's face was a little pale as she paced the room, trying in vain to soothe his grumpy sister.

"Need a hand?"

Carl turned, shoulders sagging in relief. "I'm trying to get her to settle down before Dad and Michonne take her to Hilltop. I think she's teething."

"Or she just doesn't like you." He scowled, but was already handing her over which made me chuckle. "Maybe she just missed her favorite Aunt."

"I did." My eyes strayed to him, but he kept his head down, hands shoved deep in his pockets. "I went there you know?"

"I know." I didn't say it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done because he already knew. "Thank you."

"It didn't matter," he shrugged, clearly upset.

"It did to me."

His face looked haggard, the look of a young man who was much older than he had a right to be. My throat tightened, eyes traveling to the little girl whose head was resting on my shoulder while she sucked her thumb. There was a saying, they grow up fast, and standing here in the midst of two child Soldiers, both byproducts of the apocalypse, it had never been more true.

"I wanted to kill him," he admitted. He looked ashamed at the admission though I wasn't sure why. Didn't everyone want to kill that asshole? "I went there to kill him...maybe I should have, but I didn't and now we're here."

"We were always here Carl."

He licked his lips, taking a moment to compose his next words. "That's the thing, unless we change we'll always be here."

He was speaking of things I knew nothing about, peace, forgiveness, it was all foreign subject matter. The supremely fucked up part was I felt more at ease now that we were going to war than I ever had when we were "safe". I knew what Carl wanted, what he was talking about, and while I'd lay down my life to give it to him, I knew there wasn't a place for me in the world he envisioned.

"I can't close my eyes without seeing what he did to them that night, and I don't know what's worse, imagining what he was doing to you or having him tell me while he sipped whiskey." My lips trembled, and I blinked rapidly trying to stave off the tears. "I know we have to fight. I know we have to kill Negan, but...after, when we win, we need to try."

Try.

Try to change.

Try to live in peace.

Try to forgive.

I smiled at him, putting my arm around him and hugging him. He was the best of us. They both were. Listening to him now cemented the fact he was the future we were fighting so hard to see realized. The sheer fact he wanted mercy for our enemy told me we were doing something right. Maybe that was what winning really looked like.

"I'll try," I promised though I wasn't sure it was one I could keep. I wasn't built like Carl. There was an evil buried within me that had always been there, but now it was awake, and I wasn't sure I could suppress it. I wasn't sure I even wanted to. "Carl...I...I know this isn't fair, that this isn't the life you two deserve. I'm sorry thing worked out the way they did."