Star Shines In Her Eye

Sad-Eyed Lady

Josh and I went back to the studio in silence that day. It wasn't that we were mad, neither one of us knew what to say and the situation weighed heavily on us both. My mom picked me up from Royal Oak and took me home. I told Josh to tell his brothers and Danny, I couldn't be the one to do it. I didn't have it in me to explain to them that I didn't know who's it was and that I was stupid enough to let it happen to begin with. My mom stroked my hair as we talked about what I would do. Sammy called me 4 times before deciding to call my mom. She told him that I wasn't in a place to talk to anyone, I was doing ok and that I would call him as soon as I was ready.
I laid in bed for 3 days before my doctors appointment, listening to my Any Day Now record on repeat. After everything was done I proceeded to stay in bed for another 2 days before calling Sammy. I wasted almost an entire week to wallow in self pity. I never wanted to find out who's it was but I was pretty certain I knew. Sammy came over and cuddled me as I sobbed apologies into his chest. He was sorry too and he was even more sorry he wasn't with me through the experience, even though I was the one keeping him away. I had been home less than a month and my life had turned from dramatic soap opera to an after school special. We pinky promised each other to try to keep things normal and to not sleep together. I wasn't quite sure when I would be ready to have sex again, in general. We didn't want to complicate our lives or our friendship. Our love ran deep and we felt bad for how far we let things go. The rest of the boys came over and dog piled me, very gently, whispering kind words at me, like slow motion cartoon characters. "Guys I'm not even in pain, you don't have to treat me like a doll." I said through my laugher. "Well in that case..." Jake said before tickling me making me gasp for air. We set up blankets and pillows on the floor and watched romantic comedies all night. Sam and I picked the movies since this was more our genre than theirs, it was perfect.
I was having a hard time falling asleep that night and it was clear Josh was too. Sammy, Danny and Jake were all fast asleep as the light from the TV illuminated us. "Do you want to go downstairs and get a snack?" Josh said to me in a whisper "Yes please!" Josh held out his hands to help me up and we headed downstairs in my dark house. We sat in my parents huge farmhouse kitchen as Josh made a couple of teas and grabbed my moms vegan crackers and peanut butter.
We sat waiting for the tea to steep, munching on our crackers. "Sam and I promised to not do anything anymore. I think the situation made us both feel really weird about... everything." I said looking intently at my tea, afraid to make eye contact with Josh. "Do you think it was his...?" Josh asked quietly. "If I'm being honest, no, I know it was yours... I don't know how I know... ya know? I'm sorry we didn't talk more about it before I made the final decision." "It's ok, you made the right choice." Josh pulled my chin up and gave me a kiss on my forehead and hugged me tight. "I love you, Sunshine." "I love you too, Joshy."
     I spent the next couple of days shopping and preparing for the first leg of the tour. We were going to Europe, then to the West Coast and then traveling back east on the bus. I had been overseas a couple of times but not this long away from home. I also needed to find birthday gifts for the twins which I'd been procrastinating on for a long time. They're both hard to shop for and I wanted to find something thoughtful and I knew I wouldn't find it at a mall. I dragged Sammy with me to Eastern Market to see if I could find something unique. I got them each a bottle of gin from Detroit City Distillery and I also found bronze African bracelets for Josh. I bought Sammy a record from People's Records to thank him for coming with me. I knew they would love the gifts no matter what but I was a little nervous. We had our going away dinner on the 21st and that's when we would celebrate the twins birthday with the families. Our flight was the next day, getting into Amsterdam on the 23rd.
The next two days flew by, we hiked, spent time with our families and our pets and packed up for tour. The week before felt like a distant terrible dream. I would feel the emptiness inside of me every once and while which filled me with a strange sensation of guilt and relief. Part of me wondered what I would be like to hold a baby that looked like a perfect mixture of Josh and me. I knew I made the right choice but I couldn't help but feel curious. I started getting ready for dinner but couldn't figure out what to wear. I tried a romper, a tee shirt dress and then landed on a printed dungaree dress and a white long sleeve turtle neck. It wasn't sexy, it was cute and I think I was feeling the need to feel innocent after everything.

Joshua🌹
Hello, Sunshine! Any chance I can stop by before dinner, your parents are already here drinking with Karen and Kelly, those 4 bastards are going to miss us so.

Kaz 🌻✌🏻
Of course, Joshy, everything ok?

Joshua🌹
Yup, it's just the last time for a couple of months that we'll have a moment of solitude.

Kaz 🌻✌🏻
Oh yeah, see you in a bit. It will give me a chance to give you your Josh sans Jake present!

     Josh knocked on the door and I ran to it barefoot. "Hello there!" I said cheerfully. "Hello gorgeous, love the look, very righteous." "Thank you, sugar." I gave him a kiss on the cheek and we went up to my bedroom where I had his present. I gave him the smaller of the two. "I didn't get Jake a second gift so I figured I should give it to you early." The other packed safely in my luggage for the 23rd. Josh opened the small box revealing two bronze cuffs with intricate designs, each unique. "I found them in Detroit, a tribe hand makes them in Morocco and they send them here to sell. I thought they were beautiful, like you." I knew it was cheesy but it was true.
Josh brought me close, taking my hips in his hands and kissed me softly on the lips, as if he were going to break me if he applied more pressure. "I love them, thank you." "I'm ok, by the way, I'm not as fragile as everyone thinks I am right now. You don't have to treat me so carefully." Josh kissed me again, applying more pressure this time, pushing my hair behind my ear. "How are you feeling?" "Better..." that's all Josh needed to hear to pull me even closer to him and kiss me harder. "How do you feel about us?" He asked pulling away again. "Very good..." "What about me being inside of you?" "Very, very good... I did get an IUD so I could be a dumb bitch without risking anything." I joked about myself, still feeling very stupid about getting pregnant. I hadn't said the words to myself yet, it was freeing to joke about it. Josh scoffed at my joke and kissed me with his hand on my ass, slipping his tongue into my mouth. "Can I still be rough with you?" Josh asked. I rolled my eyes and grabbed him by his shirt and kissed him again.