Star Shines In Her Eye

Film Noir

The boys had a couple of shows in Amsterdam before we traveled through Germany. We spent our free time exploring the cities, eating the food and spending time together. We finally made it to France after a week of traveling and I was getting a little worn out, this was all very new for me. Josh was very clingy and needy now that we were official and I couldn't love it more. Fans were catching on and some loved it but most were very rude. Josh had a good habit of ignoring this kind of stuff but I found myself scrolling through Twitter and Instagram on more than one occasion to find out what new theory was floating around or how gross I was. I tried to not let it bother me but it was hard. I had always been a part of their group, in the background, so this was new territory.
Josh caught me reading an Instagram post that was slut shaming me, accusing me of sleeping with all of the boys, only half true. He read it over my shoulder and then snatched my phone out of my hands. "JOSHUA!" "Leah, you can't read this shit, these girls are young, they don't understand how this could affect you. You need to stop because they won't." Josh scolded me like I was one of those young girls. I knew he was right but my feelings were already hurt. "Easier said than done, I'm tagged in hundreds of things a day, it's hard to ignore." Sammy heard the argument and butted in. "This shit is only half true." He said, taking the phone from his brother. "Want me to set these girls straight?" I rolled my eyes at his joke and snatched my phone from Sammy. I've been in a very small world with them for so long that I forgot that there was so many people out there with their eyes on them at all times. I felt myself feeling a little queazy when thinking about it. I sat down and turned my phone off, could I even do this? I didn't know if I was cut out for any of this. "Sunshine, do you want to talk about this?" Josh said to me with his hand on my shoulder. We were in the lobby of the hotel waiting for our car that would take us to the venue. "Honestly, no, I don't want to think about any of it. I'm annoyed at you for lecturing me and for the fact that no one here could defend me for PR reasons, or whatever the fuck. I can't even defend myself for loving you." My voice started to raise and I felt emotions welling up inside of me that I hadn't felt before, strangers started to look our way. "Alright, little one, let's step outside." Sam said trying to take my hand. I yanked my hand away from him and marched outside by myself. Josh came out after me, only to be immediately stopped by a group of fans who were frantically speaking to him in French. Josh tried to push past but they demanded his attention and he obeyed, to not be rude, my midwestern boy. When I turned back he had a small group surrounding him and a security guard was trying to get him back inside. I crossed my arms and kept walking. I didn't know where I was going but I didn't want to be with them at that moment.
As I walked through the city streets of Paris I felt like I was in a movie. A movie where I convinced a rock and roll musician to be with me after he impregnated me, only to get an abortion and run away. It would be in black and white and I would have a hand rolled cigarette and a beret. I laughed at myself, I clearly spent too much time as a teenager sitting through hours of film noir with Josh. I felt guilty all of a sudden, leaving them like I did. They would have all come out looking for me if they didn't have a show, I loved them all so much and I was truly living the dream, I took a breath and realized that I was being very dramatic. I opened my phone and I had several missed calls and texts from all four of them.

Jakey 🎸
I'm going to drop a pin at the venue, please come back, we know this is hard, we love you.

Wags ☮️
Jake is going to send the address, don't get lost, take an Uber, love you.

Clav King 🎹
Little one, I know this sucks, sometimes we have to just ignore it. Please be safe and don't go too far. Come backstage when you get here.

Joshua 🌹
Leah Kazmierski, don't you run away from me like that. I am very stressed out and I need to know you're ok. I love you so much, Sunshine.

     I got into my Uber and smiled that he was playing Elmore James "Oh, j'adore cette chanson." The driver looked back and smiled at my terrible French accent, I should have paid more attention in high school. He turned up the volume for me and took me to the venue. I took a side door and went backstage as Sammy instructed. I could hear them finishing sound check and I pulled myself up on a high counter, kicking my legs, feeling more like a little kid again. Josh walked into the dressing room and sighed in relief. The other guys were still doing soundcheck while Josh rested his voice before the show, an occurrence I knew well at this point. Josh jumped up onto the counter beside me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. "Babygirl, that was terrifying. I didn't like seeing you walk away when we literally couldn't leave, in a foreign city, at that." "I know, Joshy, I'm sorry for that... I was just feeling really overwhelmed by all of this. I know it's what I wanted but it's easy to think it's all going to be simple and fun but it's exhausting and sometimes lonely. I know you all know that but it's really new to me..." I trailed off. Josh nodded "I know, I know how weird and isolating it feels. Just know that you make my world brighter... You are my sunshine, you are my favorite reason for waking up. If you want me to make a post, or whatever, about it, I will. I would defend you for 1,000 years if given the opportunity." Josh ended his monologue with a kiss. "Would you like to tell me what to write and I'll post it for you on your Instagram?" I smiled at his very sweet offer. "Yes, I would be so grateful, don't make me technology."