Star Shines In Her Eye

Clear Mind

I slipped out of rehearsal, undetected, after I took a decent amount of shots and decided to go to the darkroom at SVSU. I felt at peace in darkrooms and I really needed to clear my head. I knew I needed to figure this all out but I also had no idea what to do. I wish Sam and I hadn't had sex and I wish I didn't think I was starting to have feelings for him. I'm not sure if Josh really wants a relationship but I've always wanted him and now I have him, to some degree. Not to mention this complicates my friendships with all of the boys. I don't know if making a "choice" is the right thing to do. I think the right thing to do is choose no one and hope we can get back to all being friends again.
I weighed my options as I developed the photos and as I was looking down at the faces of my four best friends appear before me in the chemical bath, I knew that the first step to this problem is staying away from them for the week. I wanted to let them rehearse without distracting them and I needed some space for clarity. Danny texted me as I was pinning my photos to dry.

Wags ☮️
Hey Kaz, I meant to talk to you while you were here but you were gone by the time we finished, can we meet up for coffee?

He better not confess his love, I thought rolling my eyes, joking of course. I assume Sam told him everything and wanted to lecture me.

Kaz 🌻✌🏻
Yeah sorry, I just thought I would step out before making things weird. I'm just finishing up in the darkroom, I'll be back in Frankenmuth in 45 min. See you then?

Danny agreed to meet me at the time I gave and I took my time getting back. I was not looking forward to our chat in anyway. Danny's pure heart could not take his best friend getting his heart broken. I felt the same way. I saw Danny's tall, muscular frame sitting on a bench on the patio, his long, dark hair in a half ponytail. He waved me over and I came and sat down next to him, he handed me a black iced coffee, sweet boy. I gave him a side hug from our seats, comforted by his embrace. "What's up, Daniel? Sorry I bailed early, you sounded sick today, though." "Thanks Kaz! It's cool, I just felt like you needed a friend that didn't want to sleep with you, right now." Danny said with a laugh. I chuckled and leaned my head on his shoulder, he gave me a light kiss on my forehead. "You're right... I do need that and I can't really talk to Ronnie about this, ya know? What am I going to do, Danny?" I started feeling choked up again but I shoved my emotions down, I couldn't cry again. "I know you probably thought I would lecture you, but I won't, I think you need to follow your heart. Talk to Josh, either way it all turns out, a heart or two may be broken but everyone will move on and end up alright. Our bonds are much stronger than we even know, you'll be fine, Sam will be fine, Josh will never be fine but that's just because he's insane." I laughed and squeezed my eyes shut, letting one tear fall on my jeans. I watched it soak into the fabric for a moment before I spoke again. "Thanks, Danny, thanks for not judging me and being so wise. That 5 months before Sammy and I were born really did you some good."
     I was going to drive home but instead I decided to take myself to the trail that we all liked to hike near our houses. The sun was setting and I decided to take advantage of the golden hour. I took photos of the sun shining through the trees, the leaves turning breathtaking a shade of yellow in the golden light. This was the first day since I got home that I hadn't smoked or drank, those rock stars really had a way of influencing me. I felt like my mind was clear for the first time in 2 weeks. My birthday was next Saturday and I would definitely want to be with the boys that weekend so I wanted to sort this out sooner rather than later. I texted Josh to see if we could meet. I wanted to stay away but I thought this was important to do now.

Kaz 🌻✌🏻
Hey, J, sorry for earlier today, will you come over tonight? I feel like we need to get on the same page.

Joshua🌹
Sure thing, babygirl. I'll be there at 10PM.

     The text made my heart pang, I loved him so much but I hated the idea of hurting Sam who I also loved desperately. I went home to get ready for Josh. I splashed water on my face and put on comfy clothes, anticipating his knock any moment. I put Van Morrison's 'Sweet Thing' on to calm my nerves, it was one of my favorite songs. I heard the knock and my mom answered the door. "Hey Josh! So good to see you! She's in her room!" I heard my mom say "Thanks so much, Robin, you look marvelous, as usual!" I heard Josh walk up the stairs leading to my room and he poked his head around the doorframe, his wide smile revealing his white teeth. "Hello, Sunshine, you rang?" "Hey Joshy, come on in." Josh sat down on my bed with me and pushed my hair behind my ear and kissed me softly on my cheek. "You look gorgeous, Leah." He said quietly. I breathed in his scent and closed my eyes before looking at him, deep into his eyes, searching for a better solution. "Joshua, I love you, you know that right?" "Yes, I love you too." He replied, I took a deep breath." Well... last night... Sam and I... um, we were getting drinks and just... well we went to the FHS football field and w-we um, we had sex. Sam didn't initiate it, it was me. I was not thinking clearly and I was worried about you sleeping with some rando... I don't know, I have no real excuse, I got wrapped up in a moment..." I trailed off searching Josh's eyes for a response. "You slept with Sam... hm... ok... well we're not a thing, are we? I shouldn't care, right?" Josh was looking off in the distance, I somehow rendered him speechless. He slapped his legs with both hands and jumped up. "I think I ought to be going, have a nice night, Kazmierski." "Joshua, we should talk about this more, please." I pleaded as Josh just looked back at me with pained eyes before leaving through my doorway. There I was again, for the 100th time that day, crying, only this time I was on my own.