Poems and thoughts

Midnight

Every day I pretend to be the strongest. I try to show everyone around me that I am happy and full of passion, but I haven't been passionate for a very long time. My eyes had a shining blue colour when I was a kid, but it became more and more grey every singe year. My brain doesn't really know what positive emotions are. I feel them so rarely. The only two ways for me to feel a very strong happiness is eighter very much alkohol or a special moment with people I love. If I feel something good I immediately stop what I'm doing to concentrate on that feeling in my brain. Also I can't really feel sad. I had a total breakdown last week and that's the first time in four years that I cried so much. But after playing the happy caring and healthy friend all day, I break down in a completely different way. I'll be laying in my bed watching sad stuff on YouTube hoping I would cry, because I always have all these problems bottling up in me. I sleep to much and constantly think about the same problems. The only emotion I can feel is anger. I don't have any way to get this anger out of me, so I just hate myself instead. I'll think about relapsing, about cutting and anorexia, about giving myself stupid punishments. My favourite thing is telling my friends to stop worrying about me, because I can't see myself as someone who is worthy of so much love. I told them to stop worrying about my insomnia, my bad dreams and the talking in my sleep. But in reality, it is the worst. It consumes me. I'm constantly reminded, that no one ever loved me in my childhood, so how could I trust people now? I love my friends and I want them to be happy, but I can't trust them. I don't mean that I really think they will betray me. I'm scared. I'm scared that they'll leave me. And now it's night and I'm worrying about all these things. And I'm scared to go to bed, to dream about hurtful things. "But the sun will rise and wee will try again." I will wake up and I'll keep on walking and I keep enjoying my life, even though I pretend to feel happy. I know I would be happy, if I was healthy.