Poems and thoughts

Monster

I was standing in the woods on an old stone wall and my head was in a noose. I was ready to jump, ready to let go of this life that didn't feel bearable anymore. Not even for one second I could have imagined going through this loneliness.

I saw a monster in front of me, it was as black as the abyss and had big horns out of twigs. It seemed like it was suffering a million chains were hanging down from its body and they were all tangled up so that the monster couldn't really move anymore. It was looking at me with a dozen eyes: "So, why do you want to go?"

I stood still, still with my head in the noose, still determined: "What are you?"

The monster seemed unpleased about my question, but it sat down and answered anyways: "I'm the guardian of the hurt. I'm here to help you find your way, if you let go. I may look scary but I can be a good soul." The monster got a serious look on it's face. It never let's its questions go "So why do you want to go?" it asked again.

I didn't understand it, why does this thing keep me back if it's job is to take me away? I wanted it to be over. "Why do you care?"

The monster rolled over and came closer, it was as big as the tree my noose was hanging on. "You are so young, it'd be a shame if I had to take you." The monster took a break and it was silent for a while. "So, why do you want to go?"

I was silent. I was so close to giving in. It got so cold I started to shiver. "Because I'm worthless. I'm so lonely. When people talk to me, I see them laughing at me later on. I get panic attacks when I think about tomorrow.  My mother doesn't love me, she just hits me and tells me I'm not good in anything. What is my life there for anymore? I got no purpose." It exploded out of me like a fire. I felt the storm around me, the hurt, the tears, every moment hit me at once and I just let my legs loose.

The monster takes its claw, which is full of chains that got clumped up into a ball, and catches me. "Please listen to me one last time. I got these chains, for every time you got hurt. I wear them and I feel the weight on my at every time, just like you do. I wish the weight got off you and maybe also off me, but I don't want you to give up, even though I wish those chains were gone. They will fall off one day, I promise, but there will be new ones too. Sometimes the chains seem unbearable, but what if one day you could live freely again. Don't you want to experience that for once? If you leave now, the chains will be there with you in the afterlife for ever. In this world you can find keys to get them off or at least detangle them a little. Do you think you could live for one more hour? Ask yourself that same question in an hour again, and again, and again."

I didn't answer to that, I was in a state of shock unable to say what I want. I didn't feel like myself.

The monster looked down at me in its hands and tried to smile. "If you want to leave now that's fine. I can let you fall down or set you down on the wall. Just let me know when you are ready."

I looked up at the sky, it seemed strange and way more colorful. I didn't feel alive at that moment and it felt so odd. What am I doing now? I looked up to the monster and forced a smile. I just said "okay."

The monster knew what to do.