Poems and thoughts

Alternated Timeline

I'm 16. The way my life went, up until now isn't the best. I hated myself from a very young age. I have destroyed nearly anything I created, because it wasn't good enough. Writing was my passion, but when I developed a flame in my heart I always blew it out.

No one loved me. I didn't love my boyfriend so I left him, my two best friends left me over a fight, my friend since childhood was toxic, I was blocked by my soulmate and my only other friends were too concentrated on fighting with each other. My mom abused me anyways and my dad became very distant to me since I came out. I really had no one in my life in these couple weeks of my life, so how could I not have been suicidal. It felt like it would start all over again. Losing everyone I loved over a single mistake. I had no control over it anymore I lost my view through the fog, it only was a question of time when I would finally hit the iceberg and drown.

I remember these few minutes of my life very briefly. I dream about them every once in a while. It's like my mind wants to make sure I would never forget my insecurities. I came home from school. It was the only day of the week I didn't go to work. I thought to myself, that I can't do it anymore. I simply couldn't push through another workday or a single class at school. Thinking about going to school the next morning gave me one of the severest panic attacs in my life. I simply didn't want to move on anymore, whether it was school, work, friends or family. I never found the satisfaction I wanted to have so so much.

Suicidal thoughts already ran through my mind for four entire weeks. I fantasised, then I planned it in theory, then I wrote some letters and finally i made a noose and hid it in my closet. I layed on my bed for an hour, trying to calm down from my panic. But it disappeared abruptly. That was the moment I decided to kill myself. I couldn't imagine myself being alive in the next hour. I could see myself having dinner that evening or going to school or work ever again. I knew this time it was for real. I put the noose in a bag and went into the woods. It was raining, I was certain that I would be alone...

I found a place pretty fast. Now I know I must have walked at least 15 minutes, but time didn't exist anymore. I had this noose around my neck, I felt cold inside, but started to sweat, adrenaline pushed through all my veins, hormones were activated in my brain so much, I had a wide big grin on my face, I didn't laugh like that in months. I could feel that I was strangled by the rope even though I didn't even jump yet. My lips were trying to form some last words. I wanted to say something, but couldn't bring myself to form the syllables, although the words were in my head. They circulated in me the whole time "I'm sorry, I was such a failure".

Now imagine this:
I woke up in the middle of the forest. My neck hurts, I took my phone and opened the front camera. I had a rope-marked neck and a puffy face from crying. I went home, I said hi to mom, but she couldn't see me. I quickly realized, that in fact no one saw me. I was dead and haunting this world and now it felt like a fault. My mom prepared dinner and realized I wasn't there. She tried to call me five times, but couldn't reach me. My phone did vibrate and show that mom was calling, but I couldn't answer. She called my sisters to eat dinner and furiously complained about me not being there. She went on a full on rage, which I knew very well. I could only stand in the corner and watch her, wait for the message to reach her. 

Some hours pass by, mom now sat on the couch and tried to reavh me in any possible way. She called my friend who told her we didn't talk anymore. She called my other friend who told her I wasn't with her. I got a notification on my phone from these friends worrying about me. I tried to answer, but the texts didn't get through.

I knew at least tomorrow morning some runner had to find me or something like that and I didn't want to see my mom's reaction. My sisters went to bed and my mom started to worry. She called my dad at work and asked him what she should do. He got very worried, because he knew I wouldn't just disappear. Minutes later mom was on the phone telling the police I was missing. She described me, but couldn't tell them what clothes I was wearing. My dead body wasn't found yet obviously because they told her they would search for me. Dad came home, they tried to figure out where I could have gone for another hour and then went to bed.

I waited in the living room the entire night. It probably was the longest night in my life. Even the cats couldn't see me. Mom left for work early in the morning. Dad woke up my sisters to get ready for school and was home the entire morning. I was glad he didn't go for a jog, because he could have found me then. It would have been the worst thing to go through for him probably. That's why I went into the woods. So that I would be found by a stranger.

The phone rang. Dad answered the call. His face became scaringly pale, his eyes were watery. I knew what happened for so many hours before he did, I knew they would find out  yet it hurts to see him like this now. It doesn't feel right anymore and now I have to go through this hell of watching everyone I knew feeling hurt about my decision. Dad seemed to be destroyed, I saw him cry. He told mom she needs to get home from work now, no further explanations.

She arrived and he told her exactly what they told him on the phone. I never saw this women cry out of sadness. Not even when her own dad died. I'm sure she did cry, but I didn't dare to look her into the eyes. I knew her tears of anger. When she tortured me day by day. I don't feel very sad for her right now. It feels like my justice. Mom looked dad in the eyes and asked, what they should tell the others. Dad of course wanted to tell the truth. She agreed, but I know she actually wanted to tell a lie, so her family would still seem perfect enough to the world.

Every time they had to make an announcement, I saw it. I saw how every single person got hurt by me. My sisters, my grandparents, the entire family. But then it reached the school. My classes teacher had to tell the news. My friends were shocked. No one knew it could happen, except one. I saw in his eyes, that he couldn't even imagine a world without me anymore.

Days after that I received texts from him over and over, he hoped it wasn't true and waited for a reply. But I couldn't text from my side. My funeral was really big. The entire family was there, even people I probably saw once a year or less. Most of my classmates, and all of my friends who didn't care for me anymore when I was alive came too. Even some colleagues and teachers. I wrote in my letter that I want my parents to allow everyone, who wants to be there, to come.

I got a last text on my phone. It read a single all lower case letters 'goodbye'. I was hurt to see everyone like that. Angry at myself so I tried to turn my phone off. The display showed: "Wanna go back?" My hands were shaking. I was so happy to read this, because those last days of haunting the world were so painful. I pressed yes really fast. It was pitch black. I was cold, the sweat on my skin made me shiver, I was happy I could go back.

What really happened:
When I opened my eyes I was back in the woods. I stepped out of the noose as fast as I could. I put it down, but I didn't put it back in my bagpack. I wanted to be sure I couldn't use it again. I never ran this fast and finally arrived at home. When I opened the door my mom walked towards me. "Where were you? You are late and didn't even tell me where you went!" she screamed at me and started to verbally abuse me again. On one hand it felt like a reminder, why I wanted to do this, on the other hand I knew this was the better option.

That's why I have trust issues. So many people turned their backs on me I am always scared it will happen again. I am so afraid of making mistakes, because I was screamed at for every single small error back then. I know i need to realize that it is different now, but this healing process is harder than any. It's literally like fighting against the things I was told for my entire childhood and early teen life. It is stuck in my brain, because I was told these things in the time my brain had gone through major developments.

It is very hard to resist these negative thoughts, but I promise to stand strong and fight it every day until I die.