Done.

23-Train of thought

"Invite him over for Christmas..?" He asks me, he's so surprised. But it's the happy kind of being surprised. I nod. "Yes, it's awful that he got kicked out, I want to give him the idea of family again."

Sam can't believe what he's hearing, I can see that in his eyes. He decides to hug me and hold me as tight as he can.

"Thank you, thank you so much. This will mean the world to him and for me." It's like he's getting emotional.

I smile little. "Please don't cry." "You're making that too damn hard, I haven't seen my brother in months.." He says and I feel my shoulder getting wet.

He's really crying. When I cry it's because if sadness, emptiness, loneliness, self hate, depressed feelings etcetera etcetera. But this is different, these aren't tears or sadness or all those other things. They're happy tears.

He's crying because I said something that made him so happy, it led him to this. I don't really know what to do now.

All this thinking killed a couple of seconds, so I just hug him back. "That's terrible. My parents and I always celebrate Christmas a week later, that's because my parents always have to work on those days. So I'll be home alone, I don't see why your brother shouldn't come. It'll be good for all of us." I say.

I've actually thought about it for a while. Every since he talked about his brother I felt like I could do something for him. So why not inviting him for Christmas?

Alright, I admit. It's a bit of a crazy idea, but this would mean the world to Samuel, so it would mean the world to me.

He looks up and me and smiles widely. "Thank you so much, we can call him as soon as I'm out of the hospital." I nod. "Great."

"So many things happened this week. Do you think we can make river theory links?" Samuel kindly asks.

"The river theory? I didn't think we'd ever talk about that again." I say and think. It's true, the river theory was fun at start, but hearing the words again was something I didn't expect to happen again.

"Well... How about that we start with Jesica?" He asks. I simply nod. I wonder what he'll say.

"First of all, she was your best friends, then she left you. Which made her river go away from yours, hers got connected to all those boys and the popular girls. But now she's trying to connect hers to yours again."

I can't and don't want to listen to this. It's sweet that he wants to help me or whatever, but with all this drama. I can't listen to everything again.

"Stop Samuel, I don't want to hear it." I say and get off the bed.

He tries to say something, but immediately stops himself. He's probably scared it'll make the situation worse. But I don't really care, everything is screwed up already, so why would this make a difference?

"Why not?" He says.

Because it's hella annoying you want to help and change so much about my life! That's why! Because it's tiring enough already! Is just trying to make it through the days not enough?

He can see the anger bottling up in me, the anger thoughts took less than a second to fill me.

"Samuel, you don't own me. I make the decisions I make and you don't have to make them for me." I say, I am so pissed, but since he's in a hospital bed I won't yell at him.

"I know that.. I just want to help you. I'm sorry if it sounds bossy, I don't mean to give you vibes like that."

He says, at first you can hear he feels bad, but he quickly makes his voice strong again so it won't be like he's making himself the victim. Which is good. If he made himself the one who needs a hug, then I'd run straight out of the hospital.

But he has been there for me.. Maybe I'm overreacting? Maybe I'm too harsh?

What do I feel? What to I want? Who am I? Will I ever know something about me except that I ruin everything? Do happily ever afters even exist? What's life exactly?

What am I even doing right now? Why am I even thinking about this stuff? This can't even be normal. Is it healthy to have thoughts changing like this?

"Are you okay?" He says, it takes me away from the train of thought. He looks me in my eyes, it's almost like he's worried, was I thinking for that long?

"Uh.. Yes, yes I am. I just.. my mind is so full with all sorts of things. I need to figure them out myself, okay? It's sweet you want to help, but I need to do it by myself. There's enough on my mind already, I can't use your opinions at the moment, it doesn't work for me." I flip out.

He nods a little. "I understand, take your time, alright?"

"I'll try to." I say back. "Get some rest, you need to heal." I say.

He nods. "That'll do, I'll call you as soon as I get my phone back again, okay?"

"Yes, alright. Bye." I say and rush out of the room. I'm glad that didn't end in a disaster.

So... What am I gonna do now? If I go home, I'll see the flowers of my dad which will make me angry. The park will make me sad, because it makes me think of how pathetic I am. School isn't an option. What's left?

Maybe I should just go for a walk.. just walking around the city hoping for a sign. A sign to get better. Just something, it can be anything.

His mother looks very questioning at me when I walk out of the building. I don't think she really trusts me. I think she just likes the fact that her son is hanging out with a girl. That's all. The homophobic ass.

How am I even thinking of his mother like that and why am I thinking about his mother when I should be thinking of where to go?

Why can't my brain just function normally? Why do I feel like I can't focus anymore these days?

It's so.. Hard to understand what I'm thinking and saying with everything that's going on. Why can't everything just realize I don't have time for processing when everything happens at the same time.

Can my brain even keep up to everything when it goes this fast? Will I ever get the chance to find peace? Without having to do that in a grave deep in the ground?

I rush onto the streets and look around. Cars park, people walk, talking, laughing, so much at the same time. I need peace, I need it now, my mind needs to calm down.

I grab my phone and scroll through my contacts, maybe talking to someone will help?

As I scroll, I see the name of a someone. I'm going to make the biggest mistake of the week. I press my finger on the name and my phone starts calling.

Beep....

Beep...

Beep....

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Whoopsies, that was intense. Who do you think she'll call?

By the way, for the people who don't remember the river theory, it was mentioned in chapter 9<3

I love you all, I hope you're doing okay<3