Done.

26-The list

A list will be something to hold on to. Some things that'll keep me busy. The things that will keep me distracted while everything around me slowly falls apart.

It's like a bucket list. When I'm done with them, I've done everything that I wanted to do, after that, I'm just finished.

I know that I could be saved, that I could go to some therapist and let myself be helped for the better outcome. I know that. I know that it doesn't have to be the end.

But somehow this voice inside of me keeps telling me I would never be able to escape the people in my life right now, even though I wanted to so bad. There's no way I could ever escape this hellhole.

I just need a list of things to get done, because I want to. And when I'm done with them, I could make new ones and when they're done, another list. And so on.

I think it's a pretty good idea. I think it'll keep me distracted enough from everything.

So all I need is some things I'd like to do... Maybe I should also make a deadline along with it. Then it'll have a bit more fire and pressure, so I'll do them.

Okay, how about before the end of the year? That's a good goal right? So I'll have time till New Year's Eve.

Alright, so now let's make the list.

Even though the bed is really comfortable to lay and think on, I should get up and make notes for this new crazy idea.

That's exactly what I did, I stood up, felt like nothing and really stupid and started crying.

Wait what? That wasn't the plan!

Tears are rolling down my face and my throat and eyes hurt from it. I quickly put my hair up in a high ponytail because I don't want the annoying shit happening where you cry and your hair comes in your face, but it sticks on there because it's wet.

Why do I need to cry so much? I hate it! Yet it feels so good to cry the feelings out..

The mixed up feelings and thoughts confuse me so much that I cry even harder and more. It's unbelievable how much liquid is coming out of my tear ducts.

While sobbing and crying my eyes out I make my way to my desk, it's pretty hard not to stumble or fall when you can't see anything at all. All the tears are blocking the sight.

I let myself fall on the chair and let out a big sigh. I search for a notebook through my tears, the sight is so god damn blurry. I sob and finally managed to find a notebook and a pen.

It's a very small notebook, probably an a5 size paper book. So it's pretty small. It's kinda cute. It's mint green with watermelons on it.

Haha I wish! I'm so not someone cute who has wholesome notebooks like that!

In fact, the notebook is just plain black brown ish. It's almost leather like.

Anyway, as my tears dry up on my face I open the notebook, and write in big letters "BUCKET LIST" on it.

Alright, so first.

I've always wanted to take a road trip. It seems like so much fun. Just riding to places, seeing the world a bit and have someone to keep company with and sing songs with. That's the ultimate dream! So that'll go on my bucket list for sure.

The only thing I need to make it come true is someone with a driver's license. Then I'll go with them on a road trip and wish one from the list will be fulfilled.

Okay, second wish....

To make the relationships between my family normal again. We all need to apologize for what happened, then accept what happened and move on.

Okay, another wish is to have a nice picture of myself. I always think I'm ugly, or people tell me that I am. This time I want a picture to look at and think "yes, that's me and I'm proud of it" or at least something positive.

So that one will definitely go on the list as well.

Uhm.. Oh yes, I want to dye my hair and take a piercing. That'll be the perfect mask! Something to hide behind. A piercing in my nose or a few in my ears could be cool.

I'd like a nostril piercing for my nose and for my ears I'd like my lobes filled with a few and a helix piercing would also be the bomb.

Does anyone still even say that? The bomb?

Uhm.. for my hair I could stay normal or I could go for it. So it's either a natural colour, like blonde, brown, red and black. Or a crazy colour like purple, intense red, blue, pink, orange, green etcetera etcetera.

My imagination could go crazy for my hair colour and with the piercings!

Even though my parents would never approve any of it, I think I'm gonna do it anyway. And after that I'll fix the relationship.. Oops.

Next and last thing for list one..

Know real love. I want to know what it feels like to love and be loved. It doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic relationship with someone. But just the affection like hugs would maybe be so amazing if it'd be given by someone who loves me.

It's probably the cheesiest and hardest thing to get done from the list. But it's my dream so it's worth a shot.

I click my pen to write with it and make the list;

Bucket List:

1) Road trip
2) Fixing the family crap
3) Nice picture of Shrek..
4) Dye hair/Get piercings
5) Know real love

And voila, there you have it. I drew some little boxes on the side so when I've completed one of these, I can fill them in.

I really hope this'll work out somehow.

Maybe I'll fail, maybe I'll succeed, but it's worth the try.

My face feels weird.. Dried up tears are so uncomfortable. I'm still sobbing a little, but I'm not crying like a baby anymore, so that's good. I guess...?

In all "quietness" in my room, my phone starts ringing. It scares me and I throw my pen in the air. It flies somewhere I couldn't see the direction of. But when I heard it fall, I heard nothing break so that's good.

I jump off the chair and rush to my phone, it's my favourite person. It's Samuel.

His mother probably calls to ask when I'm coming again or something. I shake my shoulders and rub my face a couple times with my hands to brush and shake all the sad feelings away.

I take my phone, the ringing starts to be annoying. I pick up.

"Hello?" I ask. I wonder why his mother calls me. Maybe she has new information about his health and maybe she knows when he can go home?

"Hi, beautiful." His beautiful smooth voice says. His very weak, quite low, really soft, cute, young masculine, welcoming, warm, perfect voice says.

"Samuel? You got your phone back?" I say, I'm very surprised. I thought his parents took his phone away from him..

"Yep, that would be me. And yes, I got it back, even though my parents don't know that," he chuckles weakly, it's adorable, "I promised to call you when I got my phone back and I just wanted to check up on you. So how are you?"

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That was it again. What are your thoughts on the list?

Do you think Elisabeth can make it work?

Thank you for reading my book, I really appreciate it<3 it means the world to me.

I hope you're having a nice day and I love you<3