Done.

25-Pause button

What the hell?! What even is this?! There are flowers all over the place?! I angrily walk to one of the flower bouquets and read the card on it.

I'm sorry, I hope these will be enough for you to forgive me
Love,
Dad

Gross gross gross! Why the hell would he do this?! He hit me, a normal sorry would also be fine.

Why would he even apologize? He yelled at me because I did something, so is he taking that back as well or not?

Uhg! Why the hell are parents so confusing!?

I hate this! I hate it! I hate all of it!

The only feeling I get when I look at all this, is that I want to grab the flowers and throw them outside, then get in a truck and ride over them for at least 7 times!

Uhg! I don't want to feel like this! I don't want to be mad or sad! I'll get my shit together and continue living with no crap anymore. I'm done with all the bullshit, I'm going to live normally again.

So first I need to get rid of all these flowers and tell my dad to back off. I also want to lay down for a bit, I'm exhausted, physically and mentally.

I walk towards the flowers, grab them and put them in a vase. I can't throw them out.. they're too pretty..

Even though it was a crazy sorry gift, I can't just throw them out.

Or maybe I should just throw them out. I don't want my own father to buy me an apology. I think I'll call him.. Maybe that'll help.

I take my phone from my back pocket and call my dad. Of course it took me a few seconds to actually press on the green button, but I did it now so there's no going back.

All I can do right now is just to call, he needs to know know what I'm thinking and he is going to stop with this crazy gift sending thing.

The reasons for calling is just to tell him to back off. I'm dealing with enough drama right now, so the family crisis can wait till after Christmas.

"Elisabeth? Darling..?!" My dad says, he's worried, he feels sorry and he's busy. All that information was clear, just by those two words.

"Dad, stop sending me flowers, I don't want them. They're a lousy way of saying you're sorry, which I don't even get because when you were angry and hit me you didn't seem to regret it so much, so stop. I should be spending my time and energy in school, like you said, instead of using it to read all the sorry cards you're sending me.

I have a friend in the hospital to take care of, I have homework to take care of, I have mom and Daniel to take care of, I have grades to take care of.

And if there's any energy left, then I should stick it into self care because making it through all this is very important to all of you so if there's anything that I should do, then it's making sure that I'm feeling okay with the last bits and pieces of time there is left. And I should NOT stick it into being busy with your presents in the mail.

So therefore the call, I'm telling you to stop sending me things. Since you'll be gone for a while, since you're postponing you being here. Then I can also postpone your sorries and leave it for what it is till I have time for it. I'm hitting the pause button.

This ridiculous way of being is not something I'll pay attention to right now. I have better things to do.

So whatever you were planning to send me more, cancel it and focus on your work trip. Have a nice day. Bye." I say and hang up.

Holy shit! That was the scariest, yet best thing I've ever done. It felt so great to just say it to him, even though I couldn't say it right in his face, it felt great!

And it's true, I've hit the pause button and that is okay enough for now.

So.. The next call goes to Jesica, I need to let her know I can't continue this. Ex best friend drama can wait, just like my father. So that's what I'm going to do now.

After Jesica left, I had an anger stage, later a self blame stage, which I'm by the way still not out of I guess. I guess the depressing feelings liked me too much to go again.

The point was that I have deleted her number from my phone during the anger stage. The funny thing is,

well I don't know if it's funny, maybe something sadder than funny,

is that I still remember her phone number, how could I ever forget?

I dial her number and call her. Pretty much 3 seconds later she picks up.

"Hey? Are you okay?" She sounds worried.

"Don't ask me that." I silently say.

"Got it.." She responds. It's not like she says it like she's hurt. She's just very careful with her words, it's clear she doesn't want to make the wrong move again. Which is good because if she would do something mean again, I wouldn't let that hurt me again, I'd strike back.

She'd regret hurting me, I wouldn't let her walk all over me again.

"Jesica I'm calling to say I'm not going to talk to you or call you again. It's not a good idea. You've hurt me and there's too much going on right now. I can't stick any more energy in you, the chapter is closed.

Don't stick up for me in school anymore, no more attention goes to me. You need to leave me alone and let me do what I need and want to do. I don't need your opinion, help or support with that.

So bye, don't call me again. I don't want to know you anymore." I hang up. I have tears in my eyes.

That was so hard to say.. I knew that if I said I'd pause her, that I wouldn't be able to stay away till I'm ready, instead I'd do something to hurt me even more, so I had to do this..

Letting her say something back would've made me break in a million pieces. I just couldn't hear her response to this.. I hate my life, I hate what she did, I hate it all..

I take a deep breath and the tears silently run down my face. I grab the rest of the flowers and scissors. I walk outside to the garbage container in the backyard, I open it and cry silently.

I've ended what was left of me and Jesica, I've rudely paused my father which he'll get mad at me for, my mother will probably also tell me how rude it was of me, but those are the consequences I guess..

I cut off the flowers and the small pieces fall into the container. It hurts.. It all hurts.. I will never able to fix any of this.. I've already sunken in too far.. There's no possible way out of here anymore..

Cutting up the flowers makes me feel like a maniac.. But I'm doing it to cut up my feelings.. To make them go away even though it's not working..

Alright.. I'm so done..

With all this crap around me, I don't even think I have enough energy to fix it all. And of course before I could fix it, more things will join and make it worse. I need to escape..

I need something to hold on to.. Something to make me feel better.. Something to do..

I smash the rest of the flowers to the rest of the trash, then rush back inside, all the way up to my room. I let myself fall on my bed and I stare at the ceiling. There starts my daily routine again, staring at the ceiling.

I need distraction.. I need an escape..

I need a list.

A bucket list of the things I want to do before I escape.

A list.

——————————————

A list huh..

So.. I'm sorry for not updating in so long.. things have been so much lately it's just crazy.

I love you<3