all the world's a stage // prinxiety ✔

♡ (very long) author's note ♡

hey it's me haha

this a/n probably isn't very important but i wanted to talk about it. also, tw but everything about this a/n applies to the tw on the entire story

declan seymour is obviously deceit from sanders sides because this is sanders sides fanfiction, but i also took some lines from my own personal declan seymour and gave them to this character

this person wasn't nearly as possessive and terrifying as declan, but it sucks that they remind me of him

(if you keep up with my spam book (four o'clock) you might have read about this person since ive been talking about them a lot recently)

after months of emotional torture (which was why i wasn't able to post many chapters for some time) from school, i was already extremely fragile, but my friend (my declan inspiration), though i don't think they were doing this on purpose, brought me down even more

they used their insecurities and mental illness to guilt trip me, they kept me awake late at night because they were upset and needed to rant but then didn't care when i had a problem i wanted to talk about

and that caused me to be extremely sheltered, even more than i already was. and i was too afraid to just end the friendship because they would always threaten killing themself and i told myself i didn't care but there were times when i did and we have a lot of history. so i didn't want it to replay and i stayed around to help them

they would drag me into drama that i was too busy and sleep deprived to care about and they became more irritating by the hour. that was when i started the habit of stress eating, which ive always done to an extent, but this amount was crazy compared to what it used to be like

not everything they did was wrong. they were actually extremely sweet, but they are controlling and hypocritical to no end and it drives me insane.

today i ended that friendship after months of wanting to. after months of forgiving this person repeatedly and forgiving but not forgetting them for each fight where they blamed everything on me or my best friends, i did it

and now i don't think i could face them again

i remember when we got into a fight with one of our friends (who i dated, broke up with, and became friends with again) our entire friend group was mad at her. but even though she was trying to help this friend im talking about, they hated her and ranted to no other but me.

all the time.

every night for almost three months. and no matter how hard i tried, they wouldnt let it go and they kept saying "she betrayed me."

they told me they were thinking of killing themself because of her and i was scared because they were putting all this pressure on me AND my best friend and we were both scared of being the next reason why they wanted to hurt themself.

and if you open up to someone in this way, that's amazing and you deserve the world and im so, so proud of you for reaching out.

but the way my friend did it was different. it dragged me into a state where they would depend on me and i would have to save them and pick them off the ground, not knowing they were pulling me down too, and every time i got mad, every time anything bad happened to them,

they'd tell me that without me, they'd kill themself, and that im more helpful than any therapist they've had or any counselors at school

which i thought was bullshit because i can't help the way a therapist can. i used to be sweeter back then but it kept going on, and i lost myself and now im even more aggressive and closed off and anxious because of all of this and because i didn't end everything sooner. i can still control it to an extent though. to an extent.

this person also told me about one member of our friend group they used to date and when they broke up, they missed them and wanted to get back together (they did and then broke up again). i remember it was nearly 1 am on a wednesday night and they said to me that [name of their ex] was the only person who cared about them and understood them

and that felt like a stab to the heart because i sacrificed so much and made myself so vulnerable to them and stayed up nearly every night when they said they needed me and i felt worthless

all the good things they did and all the great times we shared were outweighed by all the times i felt like breaking down crying and all the times i laid in bed and stared at the ceiling because i gave up on trying to fall asleep with guilt haunting me, because of them

they lied to my best friend, telling her that one of the girls in our friend group talked shit about her, and that's absolutely disgusting to me

they discredited me for all the work i did, which was why they always picked me for partner/group assignments. it's a normal thing people do but it happens to me so often by people who just want to use me because im good at school, and it feels so absolutely degrading and not something i expect from a best friend when i have to do everything but then told by them that i barely do anything. i am an extreme workaholic and being told im doing nothing when in reality, id been doing nothing but work, ruined me

they never listened to me and then got mad at me when they said i didn't listen to them and, more recently (like two months ago), i was calmly bringing up a point and they suddenly started screaming at me and telling me to fuck off because i disagreed with them, which is something they do a lot (so much that ive almost become immune), and it sent me into a panic attack

there are so many other incidents i could go on about but i don't have the energy. plus im seeing them at school in a few hours which is going to be fun since we have a class together (only one, thank god) and sit near each other and our science teacher likes to put us together

but anyway, like i said, it's over now. i ended things with this person and ive never been more happy, sad, angry, and confused all at the same time.

what im saying is, don't wait to leave a relationship, friendly or romantic, if you aren't feeling comfortable, because i waited far too long.

you might tell yourself "they'll get better later" or "i can help them so it's okay" or "if i leave them then they'll harm themselves and it'll be my fault" or "i can handle this" or "this is what friends/girlfriends/boyfriends/partners are supposed to do" or etc etc etc

because you are absolutely not obligated to stay with somebody if you dig down deep and know for a fact that you don't want to and that it's damaging you. you're worth so much more than that.

- nicky

(update: got a text from them saying "i thought we were friends. sorry for being so blind." well if this is friendship, i would rather be alone. friendship isn't dictatorship.)