LETTING GO

CHAPTER NINETEEN

It has been three weeks since my break up with Bilal. Has it been easy? Definitely not but life must move on.

"You look like a mess," said my colleague.

"I feel like a mess. Are you done with the report? I need to compile it and send it in today."

"Yes, I am almost done. Will send it to you in an hour."

I started walking out when she called me back.

"I have been meaning to ask you, I haven't seen Bilal around in weeks. That is so unlike him,"

I raised my brows at her in a questioning way.

"Why are you concerned about Bilal's presence here, does he work here?

"No o, just that you know he always brings something to munch on for us, sometimes he even buys us lunch. Of course, I will be concerned about his absence," she said.

I just started walking away without answering her, when I got to the door I looked back at her and said, "start buying your own food and snacks, we are no longer together," and I banged the door.

I slowly eased into the compound around 8:00p.m. It has been a long week of running around at the office. We have this big client and retaining the client is very important, therefore, we all are stressed because we need to put in our best, so, we can deliver amazing work.

I parked the car and remain inside while I checked my messages. Two minutes later I decided to come down from the car. Since Bilal there has not really been many activities going on in my phone, other than quick messages from colleagues or family. Back then when I was with Bilal I spent a lot of time on my phone because we always had one or two things to talk about. I smiled and picked my laptop bag from the back seat while reminiscing on the good old times.

"Hi, Nana I have been waiting for you," someone said from the dark.

"What the hell are you trying to give me a heart attack? Breaking my heart is not enough for you abi?"

"I am sorry I didn't mean to scare you," he said while standing up from the swing that was close to where cars are parked.

"Bilal, what do you want?"

"I wanted us to talk. First, come and have a seat."

"I am fine here, what are we talking about?"

"I have been trying to call you for weeks now, but it does not go through, please don't tell me you blocked my line."

"I actually did, I am trying to heal Bilal. You don't even know how hard it has been to heal. I cannot go to places I love because they remind me of you. You know what happened yesterday? I was watching our favourite series and something hilarious happened, I was so quick to pick my phone and message you, then when I remembered you were no longer in my life, I was so sad I couldn't finish watching the series. Let's not start with my stupid phone that always suggests sending you a message or calling you and my colleagues that are always asking about you. So, for my sanity and achieving this healing, I need to erase you as much as I can from my memories.

"Nana, once again I am so sorry. I didn't mean to make you go through this. I hope you can forgive me and find a place for us to still be friends in your heart?"

"What exactly are you sorry about?"

"I am sorry that I have made you feel not enough for me, I cannot imagine how crushing it is for you, that I chose not to be with you. But Nana, I need you to understand that I tried my possible best and it just didn't happen and as much as I care about you, my happiness is very important."

"Are you listening to yourself? Did you even ever understand me? Bilal If there is anything I wish you is happiness, I want you to be happy even if I am not part of that happiness. But do you know what hurts the most? You lied to me. You f****** lied to me for a long time Bilal. You led me on and made me believe you actually wanted to be with me. I thought we had a good friendship, where you can be honest with me, alas those were all my thoughts because you did not see us in the light.

You asked me out once and I told you no, why the hell did you pursue me again if you were not sure of your feelings for me?"

"Nana, I honestly thought the feelings will grow. You were there, always available and doing all the right things. It was natural for me to expect the feelings to grow," he said while looking everywhere but my face.

"Can you hear yourself? So, I am a joke to you? I am someone you play with while hoping that you will find something. Bilal, you knew I had feelings for you and you capitalized on that and toil with my feelings. I don't care if you did it intentionally or not, but I am very disappointed in you and disgusted by such behaviour. I have nothing to say to you, I am not your enemy but please don't contact me or come here looking for me. Let me move on in peace. Have a good night or even a good life." I said while looking him dead in the eyes.

"Nana, I really didn't mean it. I am sorry," I heard him plead while I walked in and shut the door.

I found my family members excluding my dad peeping through the window. From all indications, they heard the whole of our conversation. I Just shook my head at them and went upstairs to my room to brawl out my eyes, hoping that will be the last time I will cry for Bilal.