LETTING GO

CHAPTER TWENTY

The thing about loving Bilal is that some days I am very convinced that I am over him, like I ask myself what is so special about him that has me stuck on him. Other days I cannot get him out of my mind, I am completely mesmerize by him and it shows that I am not over him. I find myself unconsciously comparing men I am getting to know with him. He has set the bar so high that I can't find anyone to topple over it, I don't even think I want anyone. Being stuck on him has left me wondering if I am sane. How can one still hang unto an invisible rope of hope? On most days I am left wondering if I will ever be able to let him go.

There are a lot of days that I am completely sure I am over him and I don't need him in my life, on other days it feels like he is all I need to make my life better. I have had days that I woke up extremely angry with myself for putting myself in that situation, how did I give another human the power to hurt me this much?

The thing about loving someone is that even when they hurt you or you are mad at them, the feeling does not just evaporate. It has been a while now since Bilal and I broke up, but guess who is on her way to meet him? Yes, you guessed right, I am.

I received a frantic call from Bilal, yes, I know I am supposed to block and delete his number for my sanity but I have been unable to carry out that task. Besides deleting his number from my phone would not delete his number from my brain. Anyways he called me because he needed help with this big project he is working on. T his is the part I will tell him to go hire a professional but when you love people, you find yourself always coming through for them when they ask for your help.

"Nana, thank you so much for coming."

"It is not a problem," I shrugged.

He walked me through what he needed help with and left me to do the work on the recliner chair in his office.

"So how have you been?" I tried making small talks to dissolve the awkwardness.

"I have been good, you know busy with this new project and all. How have you been?"

"I have been okay." I replied.

"That reminds me, Kabir will be coming into town next week."

"Really! It has been a while since he came back, I am eager to see him." I replied with genuine excitement.

Our conversation flowed around the memories we created with Kabir back in the days when we were all in Lagos. Before coming to Bilal's office I was in that phase of being over him, therefore, meeting him would have no effect on me. But sitting in front of him with his kaftan sleeves pulled up half way, his cap perching a bit backward on his head, with knots of concentration on his forehead, I realized that my stupid heart is still in love with this man.

The annoying part about this is how unfazed he seems. From all indications he has put whatever it is we had behind him and life has continued. I know this because if he was still stuck on our issue he wouldn't have had the courage to call me. But what if he is stuck but is trying to make it less awkward? That might be a good coping mechanism for him, but for me it is making me so mad. How dare him sit down there having a casual conversation with me and even laugh with me as if he didn't break my heart?

I stood up abruptly like someone that mistakenly sat on hot coal and said "Bilal, I have to go. I will send the work via your email when I am done."

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yes! I am fine, I need to leave, something came up." I had to leave his presence as soon as I can before I do something that I will regret.

"Alright then, thank you so much for coming through Nana. I owe you one," he said while standing on his feet.

"It is not a problem, bye." I started leaving his office with quick steps.

"Let me walk you out," he offered.

"No need for that, I know my way out." I said and opened his door.

I got to the car as fast as my legs could carry me and collapse into a heart wrenching sob. With Bilal I have no idea why I always put myself in situations that will end up hurting me. I am so angry with the stupid feeling in my heart that causes me all this pain. How hard is it to move on?

RAMADAN MUBARAK EVERYONE, MAY ALLAH ACCEPT ALL OUR IBADAS.