can anybody find me... // hardzello [FINISHED]

lord what you're doing to me

hello motherfuckers! i just want to start off by saying that BY ANY MEANS i wish to encourage people to smoke or abuse alcohol, they're harmful to your lungs and liver, they're addictive and they destroy lives! this is only fanfiction that portrays a character that's flawed (consequently, human). in the same way we sometimes portray characters with mental illnesses, we sometimes will portray them with vices, addictions and FLAWS that they may overcome as they are human and make mistakes, but in any way i want to romanticize those things. if i write about any of that, i want to discourage people from seeing all of that in any positive light.
sorry for this longass paragraph, but i feel the need to talk about this since i'm writing about it.
Ben closed the coffeeshop and headed to the underground, still talking to Joe about music and more. They got in politics, in coffee, how weirdly shiny apples are sometimes, why did rock and roll have to die and also how would they name cats if they had cats. Both considered the name Roger, Ben liked Mick and Joe said it was a disgusting name for a cat.
— I mean, Mick? That is just wrong! I would go with maybe Jack White for a black cat and Smiths for a white one.
— You are aware that there's many more shades of cats other than black or white right?
— Yes, more fifty shades of gray — Joe did a bad version of a seductive smile — but that doesn't matter, the main discussion is how Mick is a bad name for a cat.
— It is not! it's a tribute to Jagger and I can call the cat Mickey sometime, like the mouse, which is a hundred times funnier than your bad pun of naming a black cat Jack White.
— My pun is amazing and your weird british humor can't really cope with it.
— My humor is not weird! — Ben pretended to be offended — I'm mad!
And with "mad", he remembered Maddie, and a sloppy smile appeared on his face.
— What's that smile for?
— Oh it's... — Ben grabbed the back of his neck with one of his hands — It's nothing really...
— Ben, I know we just met but I'm not dumb.
— It's just... I said "mad" and that made me think of a girl I met earlier today, Maddie.
For a fraction of a moment Ben thought he saw disappointment on Joe's face, but it was probably just a surprise. The mullet-like haircut does make him look even gayer than he already was, so it must've been a little bit of a shock for Joe to hear about a girl,
— Oh! Um, how is she like?
— Following our Rock references, she's a killer queen, mate. Her smile is devastating and her eyes are just gorgeous. She is different than anyone I've ever met, and I don't even know why.
— She sounds incredible. Maybe even I would fall for her and I'm gay.
— I'm gay too! — he soon saw Joe's confused look — I mean gay as an umbrella term, I'm bi. Still, gay!
They chuckled, getting at the station soon after. For Ben's surprise, they had to take the same train, just Joe had to drop off a little later.
They were waiting for the bus, and for a couple of minutes Joe seemed a little off, but that feeling disappeared at some point. They got in the train, and Ben started to pay attention to Joe. The man was essentially his polar opposite; he was a skinny, brunet american who dedicated his life to recording, to making art in the visual way and he had a nice job, while ben was a buff blond british dude who would dedicate his life to music, art for the ears and worked in a coffeeshop. Joe also resembled John Deacon to Ben, but he just wouldn't talk about that now. Their conversations went on and on and on until ben had to go home. He actually didn't need to, he was probably just going to smoke, drink some whiskey and watch Call Me By Your Name — yes, he combined two badass activities with watching Call Me By Your Name — and go to bed, but he still had the routine in him, and going home, smoking and watching movies was a big part of his habitual day.
He left the train, saying by to Joe with a slightly awkward wave, both with small smiles on their faces. They didn't plan on seeing each other again, but Ben hoped Joe would show up in the coffeeshop sometime.
He headed out to his small basement apartment and, don't get it wrong, it was a small basement but he liked it. He had a kitchen, a couch bed, a bathroom, a TV and wifi. He didn't need much more and quite frankly, the only thing he'd change would be that instead of being a basement apartment, it would be a top floor, maybe even a tiny terrace. Or at least a terrace in the building he lived in, it didn't need to be right over his place.
He was thinking about Maddie while he looked for his keys. Should he text her? And how? When? He had absolutely no idea.
He flopped onto his couch and pulled a cigarette out of his pocket, lighting it up. He thought, he wondered and he at some point decided it was a good idea to just text her "hope to see you in the coffeeshop again (even though i'd understand if their terrible playlist scared you off)". Yeah, it was an okay text, nothing creepy, nothing awkward that's alright. Five minutes after he sent the text he realized:
— Oh fuck I didn't write my name!
At this point he was overthinking every single little detail: it had been five minutes, should he tell her it was him? what if she thought he was a random stranger? what if it was the wrong number? what if she gave him the wrong number? Well, what did he had to lose beside the only girl he ever thought it was interesting, possibly the only partner he could introduce to his family? "It's Ben by the way :)"
And so he waited. He poured himself some whiskey he got from Lucy and put "carry on wayward son" to distract him a little bit. By the end of the song he had already poured more whiskey, and by the end of the next he had switched it for vodka. Five songs later and he had passed out on the floor, no answer from killer queen, Maddie.