can anybody find me... // hardzello [FINISHED]

all on my own

Hello Lovies! this chapter happens the day after the last chapter but this bitch lazyyyyyy! an announcement: i have another hardzello book that i wanted to publish for quite a while but i really wasn't sure about it so i just didn't, but now i did lol! it's called gold and rust and it's a high school au. another announcement: me and kenzie (Byers_x ) are now married and she's lovely ok bye enjoy this chapter!

It was 6am, he had just showered. Ben looked at himself in the mirror. He looked at his long hair and his bangs. He ran his fingers through the wet hair, the light blonde blending in with the more golden strands. At that moment he started to hate it, he started to see his own desperation for a rock and roll revival, he began to notice his loneliness and lostness, wishing for a world, for an era that didn't exist anymore.

He had to get rid of that.

He ran to the kitchen, he was wearing black jeans, no shirt, socks that did not match and an cigarette not-yet lit on his front pocket. He grabbed scissors from the sink and went back to the bathroom.

The first cut was the scariest one, the second was the most exciting and the third was the one that felt the craziest. From a snip to another, Ben felt more confident and more in control of his own life and decisions.

When he stepped out of the bathroom, he slipped a black turtleneck on and a black belt. He did look a bit emo and kinda like someone who listens to Nirvana (no judgement, it's a good band it just wasn't a Ben thing). He left the house, lighting up the cigarette and feeling the cold breeze of autumn on his ears, something that quite honestly he hadn't felt for a while. When he got on the train, he immediately saw Joe, who actually took a second to recognize him. When he realized what had happened he smiled with surprise — long haired Ben was all Joe knew until that point — to the news that stood in front of him.

— Short hair, wow!
— I know mate, different. I think it looks okay.
— It looks good, i-it looks nice — Joe looked at Ben up and down — don't worry 'bout that. So, — He cleared his throat — Maddie. Have talked to you again? After she said all of that?

Ben looked down. He thought Maddie was going to be his lucky shot, but she ended up being a shitty girl with no actual notion or respect.

They stood silent the rest of the ride to the coffeeshop, both getting in to open the place. Paul didn't question him anymore, Joe even helped with the cleaning some days, and Gwil was becoming friends with Joe as well. He was a part of Ben's life at this point, even though the time they spent together was short. When Joe was leaving the shop to go to work, he bumped into brown locks and dimpled cheeks, and immediately turned to Ben to see if he had seen who had just walked in. He had. Ben was looking, jaw dropped, to the Killer Queen he once thought he had a chance with.

— What are you doing here?
— Please Ben, don't do that with me. I'm here to talk.
— I don't want to talk.
— Ben, please.
— Well, you'll have to wait until my lunch break. — He was giving in, he had no Joe to stop him and he had not told Gwil yet — I'm working right now.
— Fine. When's your lunch break?
— Why do you care?
— Just tell me.
— 12:30pm.
— I'll come back.
— Maybe I won't be here.
— I'll take the luck.

And so she left. Ben's mood was ruined now and he felt sorry that his other customer's had to experience that. Gwil also saw Maddie come in and tried to talk to Ben about it, but he just wasn't in the mood. Her presence made him feel weak, anxious, and very uncomfortable. She had broken him and left all the pieces scattered all over the floor. The only good outcome was that it brought Ben closer to Joe. He texted him "Maddie wants to talk over lunch break. Should I talk to her?" and waited for the answer. 10 minutes later Joe just answered "What about Sunday?". Joe's texts were funny. For one, he never used commas or capital letters, and also, his texts were rarely straight forward and most of the time they were just references of actual conversations they had. Still, even it being a subjective and interpretive answer, Ben thought that Joe would understand his point.

By the time Maddie was supposed to come and talk to him, he went outside, being escorted by Gwil who had to leave earlier and sat on the sidewalk, lighting up a cigarette. He took a long drag, closed his eyes and felt the smoke escape him through his nose and mouth. His eyes opened again and there she was, as beautiful as always, no killer smile this time. Ben took the cigarette out of his mouth.

— So. What kind of excuse am I going to get? You were stressed? Your parents raised you like that and you're still working on it? You didn't think through? You made research and now realized you're wrong? What is it going to be?

Maddie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

— I never wanted to hurt you.
— What an amazing job you did with that.
— But I never wanted what you wanted. I never wanted the art gallery dates or the breakfast making on the morning after we... had fun. I wanted to flirt, I wanted something casual and you looked like a someone that'd be of good use, so I panicked and went to talk to you, because I wanted more of what we did on the movies.

Ben blinked rapidly, jerking away from the girl.

— Did you just say "good use"? Did you fucking flirt with me, gave me hope, gave me your number, asked me out on a date and all of that because you thought 'I'd be of good use'? What the fuck Maddie?
— Ben I didn't mean it like that, I just-
and before she could finish the sentence, Ben held both of her wrists lightly and looked into her eyes.
— Maddie. I don't want anything to do with you. But I also don't want a big fight. — His voice was lower and deeper, very calm and monotone — Just... try not to come here and please don't talk to me again. We're not going to work out and I don't want to be friends with a homophobe. Thank you for coming here to explain it all. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go back to work. See you around, Maddie.
— But Ben I'm not a homophobe I just...
— See you, Maddie.
— See you...

And so he walked away, some tears in his eyes, but no Gwil and no Joe to comfort him. He dried the tears and came back to work. There was no time to pity another one.

In the standard time, around 5:30pm, Joe got in the coffeeshop, smiling at Ben with pity, — okay, maybe it was with caring — his eyebrows heavy over his eyes and his lips timidly curled. Ben knew the look, but this one had a slight twist to it; it was like Joe didn't pity him but was there to comfort if needed.

Ben liked that.

In fact that was exactly what he needed.

— Joe!
— She was here! SHE WAS HERE! SHE HAD THE NERVE!
— I KNOW! — Both were yelling at the top of their lungs — JOE SHE JUST GOT IN AND...

Ben was about to ramble about the whole situation when Paul came out of nowhere, with a judgmental look on his face and a very angry light on his eyes.

— For Christ sake! Could you two could be any louder? Ben, you're gonna scare off the customers! And Mazzello, don't even get me started on you!
— Paul he doesn't even work here, let-
— Ben he's here every day, he opens and closes the shop, and he already helped you out with cleaning, I'm aware.
— You're right Paul, sorry. I shouldn't have yelled. — Joe stumbled in his words, quick apologies worked better with Paul and even Joe knew it.
— Just leave boys, Ben you got an early day today.
— Really? — Ben was very confused, Paul never gave Ben early days, and he was working there for almost a year now — Thanks mate!
— I'm not your mate — Paul softened and lowered his voice — Also I got... I got a guy in my office and let's just say that I don't want him getting distracted by you two.

Ben was shocked. Paul was sending him home because he wanted to shag on the shop! "Gross. Well, at least it's not on the kitchen or something." Ben thought.

— Well... — Joe said awkwardly — Shall we?