can anybody find me... // hardzello [FINISHED]

and i start to pray

— I need someone like you.
— What?
— Um... oh, uh, never- never mind, nothing.

Ben hoped Joe didn't hear that, that the words had gotten a little lost in the air. Did he mean that? Did he actually say that? He was utterly lost.

— Oh, alright. Um, anyway Ben, please understand that you are much more than she made me feel like you are okay? I know that.
— Thank you, Joe. Hey um, do you wanna do something? I don't want to go home.
— W-well... I could go with you. I'd invite you to mine but there's nothing to do there!
— Yeah sure! We could watch something or just chill.

Ben got nervous for a second, that kind of sounded like an invite for sex, the kind that he had made before, but this time it wasn't like that — or was it? Ben couldn't tell anymore, he might think Joe was a good guy but that didn't necessarily mean he liked him... did it?

"Why does it all have to be so confusing..."

Ben didn't even realize he was standing there quietly until Joe said something.

— So... are we going?
— Yeah totally!

They got to the underground pretty quickly, and got in the crowded train. It was so full of people that Ben and Joe were almost squished together, and Ben with a sudden burst of adrenaline made the space in between them even smaller when he took a step forward.

— Ben, don't. — Joe whispered — Please, don't do this.
— What?
— You're sad, alone and you need emotional support, but don't confuse this okay? I know you don't want this, us. Let's stick with being friends, at least for now, okay?

Ben teared up. "Joe might be right." but then again, he was feeling like that really intensely. But he didn't know.

— Okay.
— Okay?
— Okay.
— Then we're okay.
— We're okay.

They got off the train and headed to Ben's place, on a peaceful quietness. Ben understood that Joe wasn't mad at him and he got the message, but he wish he hadn't. He could just have kissed him, he could've. But Joe was a nice and responsible guy, two things that Ben wasn't, he couldn't even if he tried to.

Before Ben could open the door he felt like he owed Joe an apology ahead of time for his apartment.

— Hey, can I just say some things before you come in?
— Yeah sure.
— This house is very messy... and small... and it's not a nice place but it is what I got. I'm sorry if it looks like a college freshman's room.
— Ben I don't care about that, don't worry, I'm not here to fuss about your apartment, I'm here to spend some time with you.

Ben smiled, once again, Joe knew the right thing to say and he knew exactly when to, he was always on the right beat.

— Alright.

Ben opened the door and the place was not as bad as he thought it would be. Sure, some stuff scattered around the house and a couple of clothes on the floor but it was manageable. He instantly started picking his things up, noticing Joe had jumped quickly to help.

For some good 10 minutes, they just chatted and picked the clothes from the floor, took the bowls and cups back to the kitchen and managed to get the place looking better.

— Hey Ben?
— Yeah?
— Let's clean it all up. Vacuum, swiping, wiping, all of it.
— Not complaining but why's that?
— I want a nice place for us.
— A place for us? — Ben said raising an eyebrow
— A p-place for... for us to, to hang out. C'mon, show me where the cleaning stuff is.

Ben smiled lonely, getting everything they needed to clean the small apartment. While Joe swept the floor, Ben wiped the counters and windows in a comfortable silence.

When Joe grabbled the vacuum though, Ben had an idea:

— Joe could you wait a second before actually vacuuming the floor?
— What?

Without any hesitation, Ben started playing "I Want To Break Free", and like they had agreed on it before, they started reenacting the video. Ben did all of the parts, except for Freddie's, those were in Joe's charge. They were having so much fun that in the scene where Freddie is being carried, Ben couldn't think of anything else to do with Joe, having him just married style on his arms. They twisted, turned and laughed and at some point fell on Ben's couch, still giggling with bellies hurting and eyes watered. Ben looked at Joe, in his arms, so innocent and wholesome, just having a fun time, laughing until he couldn't breathe. He wanted to see that smile everyday, he wanted to make him smile like that everyday. He wanted to live with him, to dance to "I Want To Break Free" every time they had to do a big clean up.

It was nothing Ben could deny, not anymore. After two weeks of knowing Joe, and more had happened during those two weeks than it had in a couple of month. Joe turned Ben's life upside down, and Ben was terrified. He was terrified of falling in love, he was terrified of confusing things and hurting Joe, he was scared that he was understanding Joe wrongly and would get himself hurt, he was scared of taking a wrong step and loosing their friendship. But he was also scared, mortified and petrified to loose the chance to be with Joe, the chance of doing everything they were already doing plus some more, and being able to call him his. Ben liked the sound of that, Joe was his boyfriend, Joe could be his boyfriend, Joe could...

Reject him, laugh at him, feel disgusted, weirded out...

So many possibilities, he didn't know what to do. It's not like Joe ever said he didn't like Ben romantically, he just never said he did either.

— Joe?
— Ben?
— You will be the death of me, I swear.

I'M SO SORRY LOVELIES I SWEAR I FEEL KINDA BAD (but kinda not) FOR TAKING THAT ROMANTIC JAZZ AWAY AGAIN AFTER LAST CHAPTER PLEASE STICK HERE I PROMISE IT WONT BE LONG I LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH