can anybody find me... // hardzello [FINISHED]

somebody to love

Ben was a smart guy. He set up his new alarm two minutes before the time he had to wake up, his new tone was "In Lap Of The Gods" by Queen, and he was going to wake up to Roger Taylor's falsetto, because that's what he needed: to wake the fuck up, excited to get to work and smile to new people, new faces and not think of her.

Her.

Maddie. Ugh. Such a pretty girl. She left him feeling pretty too. Pretty horrible to be exact. He hadn't texted her since the day of the date.

Two days ago.

That was an appropriate time wasn't it?

"Yeah it was." He thought.

"I could text her." He pondered.

And so he did. It was just a hi, very simple. She had his contact, they had texted before. She'd know, she'd answer. Maybe she'd even apologize, say she had a rough day or something like that.

— Whatever, man.

It was really not whatever, man. Any way, Ben got ready for work, carefully listening to all of the songs that'd play during the steps: today it was A Hard Day's Night by the Beatles while showering — very appropriate — All The Young Dudes while getting dressed, Bicycle Race — it was actually playing I'm In Love With A Girl by the White Stripes but Ben decided to skip that one — when eating breakfast and Badge, the Eric Clapton version when he was getting out of the house. He lit a cigarette carefully in his way to the underground, not being able to bother taking it out of his lips, as he'd just exhale through his nose and let his hands rest in his pockets. When it was done, Ben was getting to the stairs already, he blowed the rest of the fire out and threw the butt on the trash, because if you're going to smoke at least don't litter. He got in his train, and like every day, there was Joe, waiting with a smile on his face, a happy puppy smile, as always. Ben could be quite annoying during mornings, but he couldn't ever be annoyed around Joe, the man just sparked positivity every time! He smiled to the ginger, waving shyly, watching Joe come over to his direction.

— Hey buddy, how was last night?
— I slept, I didn't feel like I needed to cry, I ate well and I missed that damn girl. But I'm working on it!
— That's my man! — Joe grabbed Ben's hand, quickly letting it go. Both were rather surprised by the gesture, Ben could tell from Joe's face and from his own too — Anyway! Now you're getting back to work and I am too. We're responsible adults, Ben.
— Joe, we skipped a day of work because we were drinking on our friend's house in the last night and we ate waffles at 11am, not even on a proper table!

Joe rolled his eyes and tried to hide a smile, he was stubborn, Ben could see that.

— We needed a break alright? And it was exactly 11:42am when i started making the waffles, so I assume we ate them around noon.
— Joe, can I ask you something?
— Yeah... — Joe started looking slightly nervous — go on, what's up?
— What's the deal with time? I've only noticed it few times, but you're really keen on exact hours and minutes?
— Oh. Uhm... I don't... I don't really know how to explain, give me a second.
— You don't have to if you don't want it! — Ben felt a tad guilty, he felt like he was forcing — I was just curious, that's all.

Joe took a deep breath, muttering an "okay" under an exhalation.

— The thing is... and this is very complicated, but I'll try to sum it up. So, time is infinite. But is definitely not infinite for us, as we are finite and temporary. So I don't want to waste any. Things are exact, but time is not, and I need to make it exact so I keep track of it, so I know how things are going, how fast they are and how slow can I make them. It's kind of weird, and a bit complex but that's basically it.

Ben looked at Joe, curious to see what more was on that mind of his. In Ben's head, Joe was a simple guy, with every action made and every word chosen for the sake of it, every hug given was because someone needed, every joke was just a quick thought, the coffee on the morning was whatever he wanted. But now Ben began to wonder if Joe's life wasn't thought through, if his good days were based off being planned and his bad ones were assigned as such because they were a mess. Joe was still a simple guy, his moves were fluid and his words were thought, but they were done so for Joe's love for the time he has.

Joe was quite brilliant, actually.

Ben didn't realize he was quietly staring until Joe actually said something to break off the silence.

— Do you think I'm mad now?
— Oh dear God absolutely not Joe! I think you cracked the one thing that'll make you capable of doing everything you want until the end of your life! — Ben paused for a second — But...
— But?
— But it'll also make you unable to do things you didn't even know you wanted. You could keep all of your time in track and master all of your plans, but then you would only master your plans and all of the other things in life would be unknown for you. I think it's genius, the way you think, but I also think sometimes you need to let it go a bit.

Joe took a step back, surprised with what Ben had just said. He just hoped he didn't come off as rude or scared Joe off. Joe looked to his feet, opening his mouth to say something.

— I... Ben I don't know if I even can do that. Let it go, I mean...
— What? Why?
— My brain, it's a little fucked. It's just anxiety but it completely paralyzes me. If I don't keep track of time then I can't keep track of what's happening, hence I can't control the things around me. And I need control, or else it just drives me crazy.

Ben pulled Joe for a hug, tight and warm. He didn't know exactly why he had done it, and cheeks flustered a little with shame, but right now he didn't feel like he needed to hide, because Joe couldn't be the one comforting him all the time.

Joe softly squeezed Ben's back, and Ben could feel his nails digging into his shirt. Maybe Joe needed that hug for a long time. Maybe no one ever gave him a hug like that; without asking, with no purpose and no excuse, just a hug.

Ben could get used to giving hugs like that.