insecurities...

[2] I hate window shopping...

Lex
His skin, his lips, those damn perfect lips, sucking on them, biting them, them on my...
"Yes" I yell, sitting up on my bed, panting, the sweat rolling off me. I must have drank more then I thought, how could I dream about him. Especially a Him, I've always been so secure in my masculinity, and always been sure of my sexuality, but ever since I saw him outside that frat house I can't stop thinking about him. I don't even know him, his name, if he even goes here. It's been more then a month since I saw him outside that frat house, I haven't seen him since, but I can't get him out of my mind, my dreams, his every where, I unconsciously look around for him, looking for his army styled buzz cut, his olive toned skin, that black long sleeved tee and ripped jeans. I unknowingly keep an ear out for his sarcastic yet vulnerable voice raspy yet mellow. I keep looking for him in every face I see, and every place I go.

When I start to fall for someone usually a girl, I first start by low key flirting with her, to see if she digs me too, then probably ask her out or we keep it casual. But since it's a guy I have no clue, I have never ever liked a guy, sexually or emotionally, every time I try to bury those feelings the dreams are more vivid then the last. I keep denying it, I keep hiding from it, even from myself, because I haven't even accepted that fact, and I can't accept it. What would all my friends say or think, all my team mates from baseball, my brothers ? They would see me as some freak some homo, some guy wanting to be chick. I can't accept it, I won't.

I get out of bed, take a quick shower and head out for my morning jog. It's nice and cool outside not to hot not to cold, I take the root that takes me to the closest Starbucks from the university, I usually grab my coffee, check a few emails on my phone using the free WiFi there, and head back. This time thou, I stay a little while checking my Instagram, while enjoying my coffee. Something tells me to look up, it's like a feeling in my gut, as I look up it's him, buzz cut, it's actually him. I can't believe it, it's him, I want to go over to him, what the what, his coming over to me. I quickly check my self to make sure am decent, before he walks towards me, I instantly smile at him, he doesn't smile back but walks past me to the booth at the far end, we're he sits alone.

I keep mentally pushing myself to go over to him, to introduce myself to him, just to be friendly, he is by the way the only person in the cafe that I know, and it's the polite thing to do, I keep reasoning and telling myself that. It's been almost fifteen minutes since he's been here, my coffee is cold now because I have been wagging a war inside my head over buzz cut. Buzz cut, I wonder what his actual name is, what he does, who he is ? Every time I think am about to make a move to join him, in his booth I lose my nerve, and stay put. I have been secretly staring at him the entire time he's been here, and not once has he looked this way. Okay I can do it, I can definitely do it, I get up and walk up him but continue past him to the toilets in the back. Yeah I couldn't do it, who am I kidding myself, I should just go back to my apartment using the back door instead of torturing myself by looking but not touching, and I hate window shopping. I sneak well not really sneak, but walk out the back of Starbucks and jog back to my apartment. The journey back is draining, I keep mentally kicking myself for not having the guts to walk over to him, to tell him to leave me alone, that I don't want him, his not my type, that am straight and... wait I don't even know if his... he had broken up with his girlfriend at the frat party so..., his straight too ?. I knew this was to good to be true, its always to good to be true for me, always.