insecurities...

[6] ...worth her while.

Lex

I've been standing here for almost fifteen minutes, in the same spot, I can't seem to move, it's like am glued to the pavement, i can't see his face, or what expression he has on, I only see his back facing me. His words keep repeating over and over, "let's just forget about last night, it was a mistake".

He keeps breaking me, crushing me with every syllable, with every word. "let's just forget", but I don't want to forget, I can't forget, why didn't I say that, why didn't I fight, or at least argue. "It was a mistake" it wasn't I wanted him, I wanted him with everything in me, maybe he didn't feel the same way. I keep seeing him walking away from me, without a single glance back, I never see his face, he keeps walking, walking out of my life, walking out of my peripheral vision, just like every one in my life he left.

I hate him, I have never hated anyone in my life as much as I hate him right now, he kissed me first, he started this, and then he just left, without an explanation. Damn me for falling for someone that doesn't feel the same way, damn me for falling so hard in such a short time I've known him, damn this unrequited love.

I know Clare has been waiting this entire time, she watched everything, and has been patient with me. She is amazing, I just wish I could love her the way she loves me, we have been unofficially dating for a few months now, when ever I need someone to talk to, she's there, someone for advice, she's there, a shoulder to lean on, she's always there. I turn around and look at her, she's such an angel standing on the quad waiting for me to run into her arms, to tell me everything is going to be okay.

The look I give her isn't one of sorrow and heart break, it's of want and lust, I need something to numb this pain, I need her, more then I have ever needed her. I run to her, and lift her into my arms and crash my lips to hers, hard, not gentle as I usually am with her, but fierce and all consuming. She lets me in without a fight, and twirls my hair with her hands, my hands are resting tightly on her ass pulling her closer, she tastes so sweet as usual, but am not in the mood to savor her, I want more then the usual.

I let her go, slowly, and I look deep into her swamp green eyes, she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever been with, and she is such an old soul. I lace my fingers into hers and lead her into the direction of my apartment, I know I am going to regret this, I know I shouldn't use her like this, I know this is the worst decision I have ever made, but I can't help it, I am hurting and I don't know any other way to make it stop.

As we walk into my apartment, I grip our interlaced hands a little tighter causing her to look back at me, I say the words I know she wants to hear, those three fucking words that I don't mean, just so to make myself feel less shitty for using Clare as my rebound. "I love you" I stare into her eyes as I say it, she looks back at me, with just that one look I also stop, but then she starts slowly taking off her flowery summer dress, and whispers back me, owwhhh so seductively in her innocent small voice "please close the door".

I close the door and help her out of her dress, while also taking advantage of the entrance she's given me by kissing and nibbling down her neck to her back, "i love you too, Lex" she moans in between my kisses. I turn her around and unclasp her bra, while trailing her body with my fingers till I find lace, I drop to my knees and start bitting and kissing her thighs making my way to her core.

I start to pull the lace off her, when her whispers to me "I'm a virgin", I almost back away from her. In the time that we were "dating" it never ventured into anything physical, just a few make out sessions, I never would have guessed she was a virgin, well I can't just stop now, I might as well finish what I already started, and make this worth her while.