insecurities...

[13] "I don't care about the labels..."

I am tried, like emotionally and physically, Clare ordered pizza while we talked and we talked forever, meaning most of the day. We both ditched our classes, and just hung out, she was beyond understanding, regarding the situation with Lex. She decided before it got dark, we should take a walk to the piers, which is a walkable distance from her sorority, but I haven't slept, like really slept, the most sleep I have had is the few minutes I dozed off in Clare's car, and the day has been an emotional rollercoaster, all I want it to do is end.

The walk to the lake was really nice, we talked here and there, but the silence wasn't awkward, it was refreshing. The scene in front of me is breathtaking, it's almost sunset, the suns orange glow is reflected on the water, and it's so quiet, as if we stepped into a scene from a novel. "Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore" I remark. "It's beautiful isn't it, this is my favorite spot, to think and occasionally read a book" Clare says. "How did you find it" I ask. She shifts from foot to foot, and looks at the sky, she doesn't need to tell me, I already know the answer, and am pretty sure it involves Lex.

I walk right to the far edge of the pier, and sit with my legs over the edge, Clare remains where she was, knowing I need some time alone. I sit there for good twenty minutes, kind of contemplating my life choices, basking in the suns last glow, and trying and failing to not think of today. I hear footsteps behind me, and move a little to make room for Clare, but Clare isn't the one that sits next to me. It's Lex, fucking Lex. We don't say anything to each other for a while, and I feel the silence and tension eating at me, her keeps playing with his hands, and I can't seem to stop swinging my legs over the edge. The scene is beautiful, I mean the sunset not him, but damn he is too, okay stop thinking about this - the orange, mixed with blue is masterpiece come to life.

"For the love of God, say something to each other" Clare practically huffs at us, she's standing behind us, obviously this was her plan. I should have known, but I was too preoccupied with my own shit. "Am leaving, so you guys better hash this out now, if you leave with out resolving anything, don't bother talking to me, fix this" she lets out, with a breath and walks away. I can't look at him, I know he has black eye, which I gave him cause he fucking deserved it, but I also know he's probably hurting as much as me. We look at each other, and he looks like he's about to say something but doesn't, i look away, even though it kills me to.

I sometimes can get lost in his eyes, I can forget about everything else, and just dive into his ocean blue eyes, and never want to come up for air. "I'm sorry" we practically say at the same time, we laugh awkwardly at that, but remain silent. He inhales, rather loudly, "Clare broke up with me, it's why she told me to meet her here, I didn't know you were going to here" he says, honestly I believe him, and I hear the hurt in his voice, I know he cared about her, but I can't help but feel that he liked the idea of her, more then her. "Are you okay" I ask him, I try to sound apologetic, but my voice cracks.

He looks at me, and bites his lip, as if he's holding back saying something. "No" he breaths out, I want to hug him, reassure him, but I can't, "I am so confused...." - he shifts a little, and rans his hand through his hair - "I'm sorry for what I said, back at the apartment, am sorry for letting my friend talk to you the way he did, I'm sorry, Dang it, I'm sorry for everything Carter" he lets out, as if it's a weight lifted off him. I look at him, reassuring him, "Am not... Am not sorry for everything, if everything never happened I wouldn't have meet you"

I reply with smile, and he smiles back. "I don't get you, I don't know if you.... Carter.... I... I really like you" he confesses, without meeting my eyes, I really want him to look at me, so I grab his face and gently make him face me, " I really like you too, Lex, but I can't do this back and forth anymore, I can't read you, I know you not gay, or bi or whatever, and I don't just want to be friend" I say, and let go off his face. I look down, the water, is a blue greenish color, and sort of reminds me of Lex's eyes, but his eyes put the lake to shame. He places his hand on mine, and intertwines our fingers, " I don't care about the labels, all I want is you, only you..." he says and lifts my hand and kisses it, without letting it go.

I smile at him, and he stands up, pulling me up with him, and starts walking off the docks to the shore, pulling me along. "Where are we going ?" I ask, skeptical of the answer. Lex looks at me with a look I can only describe as mischievous, and I really love that look, wait what, no not love, what the fuck, okay maybe love is the right word, do I love...him, I can't ponder on that right now. "I don't know"- he answers with such an innocent tone - "have any ideas" he finishes and smiles even wider if that's possible, "I might have a few" - and i give him a wink - "but they might be illegal" and we walk towards the shore. He looks at me and tightens his hold on my hand, and doesn't let go, "those are the best ideas"