insecurities...

[11]"...don't want anything to do with you"

Lex

I don't know why I said that, okay I do, I was angry that he kissed that guy in front of me, right in front of me that I could see things I only wanted him to do to me, and this time it hurt more then the others because he knew what he was doing when he did, he did it intentionally to hurt me.

I really didn't expect him to react the way he did, but then again I wasn't thinking when I said it, it was so impulsive, and Lukas being Lukas thought why not be the dick he is and add fire to the smoke. Am stuck between helping Lukas up, or running after Carter. I have to hand it to Carter that was a good punch, Lukas's nose looks broken so anyway there's nothing I can do for him, every one is around him, to his glory, he loves attention, and so no one noticed when I ran towards the stairs.

I find him in the lobby, on ground floor just about to walk through the doors, I am out of breath from all the running to get to him because I know if he goes he won't ever want to see me again. "Cart" I let out, a breathless shout, I almost think he doesn't hear it, but he stops, it gives me enough time to catch up to him, I lightly and hesitantly place my hand on his shoulder, "Carter, am sorry" I say more quietly then before, and I really do mean it. I hear the elevator ding behind me and instinctively remove my hand from his shoulder, I want to slap myself, it was going so well before... my knees hit the floor before I even realize what happened.

Carter punched me, right across my cheek, my hand is already there massaging it, while my other one is keeping me steady on the floor. My right cheek is throbbing, and the right side of my face is numb, that was one strong punch, is he a professional boxer or something. I look at him from we're am kneeling, I wait for him to either punch me again or yell at me, he does neither and walks away. I get up and grab his hand, he shakes me off, and keeps on walking, "cart, please" I plead to him, he stops and stares at me. If looks could kill I would probably be six feet under right now.

"Don't fucking call me that, don't fucking call me period" he growls at me. I take a step back, and he notices that, "you know what Lex, do you know why this fag was coming to see you, do you really,..." he spits those words at me, with so much venom, which I know I deserve, but he doesn't give me time to respond. "i can't just be friends with you, i was being a dick when I said that, but now, now I don't want anything to do with you", He finishes off, and is out of the door. I don't try to stop him or go after him, he needs his space, and I need mine too, to process what he just said.

I head back upstairs towards my apartment, Lukas is being helped on to his feet by two guys on either side of him, none of them noticed my absence, if they did they don't ask about it. "We're taking Lukas to the hospital, he might have a broken nose and maybe a fractured rib, you coming or what ?" One of the guys ask me, I look at them all, I already decided what I was going to do before I even got there, "nah, you all go along, I gotta clean up before Clare gets here she's on her way any minute, and theres blood all around the doorpost" I tell them, they all nod or give me muffled okays. "You cool Lukas ?" I ask out of kindness which he probably doesn't deserve, "I'll live, but I swear I will beat that..." thank God the elevator doors close before he could finish, I probably would have punched him too. I look at all the blood around the door, At least the door is red so you wouldn't even notice any on it, just around it.

I go into my apartment and bring out a mop and a bucket with bleach, I get on my knees and start cleaning it up. I don't know if it's the bleach or my own really raw emotions right now, but I start crying, i bang my head against the door a few times, "what's wrong ?" I hear the voice and already know who said it, I look into the apartment and see Nathaniel standing near the door. He's been standing there for heaven knows how long watching me beat myself up, I just look at him and say nothing, "you can talk to me, you know " he states afterwards.

He, I can admit is one of my only real friends, not one of these fake friends that only became friends with me after I became Captain, but someone i know I can trust through thick and thin, bad or good. "Why didn't you go with all of the guys ?" I ask totally dogging his question. He nervously laughs and lifts his shoulders, he has shaggy short brown hair, and dimples on both of us his cheeks. I look at him debating if I should say anything or lie, he knows me so well he probably would tell, "just spit it out" he challenges, I look at him, and already feel my seams being undone, am so sick and tired of hiding and lying. "I think I like him" I nervously laugh and continue, "And I probably ruined my chances with him" i say softly but loud enough that he can hear, "by the way am gay, Nate". I can't help but laugh at the way I said it, now both of us are laughing, he comes closer and pats me on the back and simply reply's back, "I know"