insecurities...

[5] "...if that's what you want"

Last night was anticlimactic, something I had been thinking about all the time finally happened, but definitely not in the way I had imagined, sort of like blue balls, we kissed yes, it was amazing yes, but then he ran. I know he's confused and I shouldn't get invested in this, but I can't help it. I have dodged classes with him, missed parties cause I knew he would be there, I did everything I could to erase that one night outside the frat house when we first meet, because I don't know it's just like something clicked, and I guess it clicked for him too.

I have been sitting in my car since we kissed last night and it's now six in the morning, I decided to not drive in the state I was in, and since I had no designated driver, or cash for Uber, I slept in my car till I was sober enough to drive back to campus. The scene from last night has been on repeat in my head since it happened, I can't stop thinking about it. On my way back to my dorm, I decide to go to one of my classes I had been avoiding, because he was in it, and it also so happens to be our first class. I am not going there to stalk him, or freak him out, just to see if whatever the hell am feeling is mutual.

I rush into my dorm room and take a quick shower because I currently smell like a brothel, the water isn't as hot as I would like but at least it's warm, considering it's just past peak shower time so there's usually not a trace of hot water. I get into my closet and I can't find anything sort of warm and welcoming my wardrobe consists of black, grey and white, no colors, what the fuck why am I trying so hard to look nice to look less like me for some guy, I must really be head over... sneakers for him, I guess my usual will have to go. I grab black skinny jeans, a long sleeve white tee and my boots, and am out of the door heading towards the philosophy building.

As I open the door into the small lecture room, I can see him sitting in the third row next to a girl, the same girl from last night, the same girl who had her tongue down his mouth. What the fuck, so he thinks it's cool to kiss her then me in the same night and go back to her, I guess the fact that she takes philosophy proves that's she not just a frat girl, but still how can he fucking play me like that. Yeah I play around with girls and guys, but I never cheated on any of them and I am a hundred percent monogamous.

I walk in and head straight for the back, two rows away from him, he catches my eye as I walk towards the back and doesn't smile at me or nod. I sit through Mr Williams slow and desolate voice for over an hour, of him mumbling and going on and on, and when it's over all I want to do is go back to my dorm and sleep the rest of the day away, just to forget about last night, forget about ever meeting him, ever kissing him. A part of me wants to confront Lex about last night, but what good would that do, I hate drama especially the romantic kind its so sad, and am not going to yell at someone that doesn't respect me, I'll just find someone that will.

I head out the door towards the dorms when I feel someone behind me, I can't explain how, maybe I felt their breath, I walk even faster to maybe give whoever it is the clue that I don't want to talk, but they don't take it and keeps pace to mine. I turn the corner, slightly hoping it's Lex, but also hoping it's not, I don't need this kind of complication in my life right now, I don't need none of the drama or secrecy that comes with dating a closeted guy, I have hidden for so long and am finally comfortable in my own skin.

"Carter" yeah it's him, I want to turn around so fucking badly, but I keep my pace and my head forward. "Carter" he says a little louder, I can sense he's now irritated that am annoying him, I stop walking but I don't turn around towards him. "What" I say, the anger resonating in my voice, "can you please look at me" he pleads, I can hear the vulnerability in his voice, I know his trying, but I can't get attached to anyone, he has a girlfriend, he's straight, this would only go nowhere.

I don't turn around, cause if I do I know I would cave, "let's just forget about last night, it was mistake" I tell him emotionlessly, I try to sound as if am bored, I can already see myself falling for him, and I don't ever get emotionally invested. "Yeah sure, if that's what you want" he replies, defeated, I feel sorry for him, I feel sorry for myself, for not even giving him a chance, but last time I gave someone a chance they shattered my heart, and I won't let that happen again. "Yes it is" I slightly raise my voice, to make sure he knows I meant it, and continue to walk to the dorms, he doesn't follow.