insecurities...

[12] ...our fucked up love story.

Carter

I'm so fucking numb right now, I can't feel anything, and I don't think I want to feel anything, any time soon. I punched him, I don't feel bad about it, he fucking deserved it, but I practically told him I liked him, and he said nothing. I turn the corner into an alley behind his apartment building and drop to the floor with my head in between my legs. I can't cry, it's not that I don't want to, God I want too, because it hurts, it hurts so much, I was so dead set on coming over to his apartment and confessing my ...love, is it love, fuck whatever it was for him, I did sort of do that but not in the way I planned.

Why am I so fucked up, why am I so messed up, I want him, does he even want me, he didn't follow or run after me, after I told him how I felt. He let me leave, knowing fully well that I might not come back. Why, why the fuck did I have to go for the straight, bi curious guy, the typical jock, why did I have to like him more then everyone before him, why did I have to break all my walls for someone who would not do they same, why, why, why. I stand up and start slamming my fists against the brick wall of the building, I don't stop until I can't see my knuckles, their covered with blood, I can't feel them, the pain, which is nothing compared to what I feel inside.

The pain and the anger inside me is burning everything else away, I can't think straight, I can't do anything but feel and think of him. I start slamming my fists even harder against the wall, I probably won't stop pounding till either my knuckles break or the wall does, I hear the sound of heels in the distance but I don't acknowledge it,

"Carter" I hear the voice, and I automatically know who it is, she's running towards me, while shouting at me to stop. She places herself in between the wall and me, so that I can't punch it anymore, the look she gives me, is one a mother would give, a caring yet stern one. "Carter, why are you punching a wall, what did you do ?", Clare asks me with a hesitant yet strong voice. I look down at my feet because I can't bare to look at her, after what I have done to her, I don't deserve her...pity. I turn away from her and walk out of the alley, she grabs my arm, and out of instinct I shrug it off, she then pulls me by my jacket. I stop and turn around to look at her, "am sorry..." I say without looking at her in her eyes.

She then steps closer to me, I close my eyes thinking she's probably gonna slap me, again, but instead she hugs me, a tight, really warm hug. I lean into it, and she rubs small circles around back, "I'm taking you to the hospital", she announces, I almost choke, because I hate hospitals, I have always. Ever since I was a kid, ever since... I can't.... I let go of her, and she takes a step away from me and lays her hand on my shoulder, "or you can come to my dorm room, I have a first aid kit, and we talk this out", she suggests. Both sound equally inevitable, and equally horrible but I'd rather be in a dorm room then a hospital bed, and I honestly do need to talk to someone.

I nod my head at her, not yet ready to open my mouth, I don't know what might come out of it, and I really don't want to hurt Clare's feelings, not as much as I already have. She starts walking in the opposite direction, I follow right after her, she leads me to a Yellow golf, it's probably hers, suits her. She gets in, and notions for me to jump in too. I get in, and put on my seat belt, she starts the car and we're on our way. The journey wasn't as awkward as I had expected, I sort of dozed off most of the way.

Clare's room is probably the same size as mine, the only difference is that she has her own bathroom, probably the benefits of staying with a Sorority. I didn't peg her as being the sorority type of girl, she just doesn't fit the mold, as if on cue she appears from the bathroom with a bowl of water and her first aid kit. I decide to break this awkwardness, "your a sorority girl ?", I pry. She gives me a look as if to say, really, but says nothing. She kneels between my legs so that she can wipe my hands with disinfectant, it slightly burns, but as she's wiping away all the blood, I see that it's not as bad as I thought it would have been. She breaks the silence, and says, "yeah, yeah, am a sorority girl shocker, right, that's how I meet Lex, he used to be at the fraternity house, the one where we always go to parties at." I just look at her, but she doesn't pay me any attention, she's still too focused on cleaning up my cuts and bruises.

"I, i... i... Clare, I didn't mean too... I'm sorry, ... but why are you being so nice to me" I stutter but eventually force out. She looks at me for a while but continues cleaning up my cuts, "because, I actually like you, as friend of course, -she chuckles- and you make Lex happy, and he's less uptight when's he's around you, I like him yes, but I don't love him, I know you do, even though you have your own way of showing it, and I know he also does, he just might not accept it...yet" she reply's me, I am actually dumbfounded by her reply, I can honestly say I never expected it. "So, what happened ?", she inquires. I take a really deep breath, readying myself to tell her, our fucked up love story.