insecurities...

[8] ...the three musketeers,

"Let's have Chinese" I suggest, Clare just looks at me and starts laughing, "you eat Chinese food with a fork.. ", she doesn't finish because she's still laying on Lex's lap laughing till her eyes brim with tears. I can't help but smile by her, she is one of the most sincere people I have ever meet as well as one of the most kind people there ever were, I can't believe I ever disliked her, I was so naive, judging her by her association with Lex.

Lately we have been like the three musketeers, I guess this friendship could work especially with Clare being our buffer, obviously there were really tense moments and very close calls, where we almost... but now if it's not the three us together I don't, slash, won't hang out with Lex, I don't want to complicate things further then there already are, slash, we're. We sit in Lex's apartment for the fourth time this week, and when I mean we, I mean Lex, Clare and me, obviously.

After all three of us finish our lectures and classes we would meet up at that same Starbucks, where Lex was staring at me in his jogging gear, looking fine as fuck might I add, note to self don't drool over the person when there a few meters away and with their girlfriend, then head back to his apartment to hang out, which mostly involves watching movies, or watching re runs of Clare's favorite series these days Shadowhunters which is kind of growing on me, or just casually talking about things going on right now or general pop culture, which Clare usually leads.

I don't want to be the third wheel, that never gives their friends space to do Couple stuff or doesn't know when to leave, though I don't feel as if am intruding into their personal time as a couple though, I make sure when they do start getting a little physical or intimate with each other in any way which involves kissing or even a simple hand over thigh gesture that I take that as my cue to leave.

I hate watching both of them do something I can't and want to do so much, it's as if I'm in a toxic relationship and I can't get out and that am forced to have to watch as every time they touch or give each other those kind of looks, and act like it's not killing me from the inside. I look at Clare while thinking, and she's just laying on the couch with her head on Lex's lap watching tv, his hands are in her hair playing with a few stray strands. We have been watching this movie for an hour now and I don't even know it's title or even the damn plot, fair enough I haven't being paying attention to it, my thoughts were else were today.

"Lets get pizza" Lex suggests, "it's easier to clean up, and you don't have to use chop sticks, even though most of US, adults can use them" he lets out a snort hiding a laugh with that last sentence, which just makes Clare laugh even more till she's holding her stomach. "Yeah, yeah, chop sticks my ass, pizza is great, I'll go call and make a delivery" I reply to both of them not wanting to disturb their sort of moment right now. I always want to leave, when I start getting a little jealous or petty over their PDA ( public display of Affection ) but I sometimes can't help it, but stay and admire it, I have gotten so close to Clare in the past weeks that I could consider her a sister, and with Lex let's just say things have been getting less awkward.

I stand and head to the kitchen which, thank God is not joined to the lounge so I can let out that breath I was holding in peace, spoke too soon, Clare walks in, "sorry for laughing at you" she says with so much sincerity I want to hug her and tell her no hard feelings all in good humor but instead I lightly fist bump her and tell her, "nah, don't worry about it, we good"

She looks at me as if she wants to say more but doesn't and walks back to the lounge. I dial the pizzeria's number from down the block and place our order which is, vegetarian for Clare and pepperoni for Lex and I, fuck if only there was a Lex and I, but my stupid ethics and untrustworthiness ruined that for me, and now I don't want to hurt Clare in the process and or ruin this threesome we have going, did I say threesome I meant that in a zero sexual way.

I walk back into the lounge and pause at the door because Clare and Lex are all over each other, making out and I feel like staring at them while puking at the same time, so I just turn right back around and heard out of the apartment using the fire escape that's near the kitchen window, I text both of them letting them know something came up and I and to leave.

I knew this friendship was a bad idea from day one, but I couldn't help myself, so instead of trying to unlike him by being his friend and seeing all his bad habits, I made a new friend who is an amazing person and also his girlfriend, and fell for him more then I did before I said those words, "... we should just be friends"