insecurities...

[7] "...we should just be friends"

Carter

I have the worst fucking hangover ever, I never should have drank so much, but then again i say that after every night, and every night since...since. I. Left him, I've been drinking the pain away. I think at this point I have also slept with almost every guy and girl that goes to Memphis, yeah am whore, but I'd rather be that then admit to myself that I fell harder, harder then I thought I had. I rather drink my sorrows and sleep my time away then feel this crushing weight on my heart, this feeling that's self inflicted.

I'm still in bed, it's not my bed, come to think of it I don't who's dorm room I slept over in, it's already three in afternoon, he or she hasn't come back to their room yet, I can't even remember last night, I barely know it started with tequila the rest is a blur. I don't want to get out this bed, to face the world, my heads hurts like hell, am starving and I'd rather not have every one stare at me as I walk the walk of shame back to my dorm room. I finally get out of bed, my hunger wins out, and scavenge the room for anything edible and not expired.

After searching this entire room for almost fifteen minutes straight, I find nothing, well this means am out of here, at least I found a Tylenol for my headache. Should I shower before I go, nah to just put on the same clothes that stink as much as me, I can wait till I get to my room. The walk back isn't as bad I thought it would be, not as many stares I thought I would get, probably used to me by now, and the fresh air isn't that bad, it's actually very relaxing.

I decide to take the long way back to my dorm, just to think a little, yeah a lot of couples making out on the quad, get a room, I roll my eyes over all the PDA ( public display of affection), am slightly jealous but then again, I was never the dating type. I almost run back the way I came, fuck.fuck.FUCK. Why did i have to take the long way, he's walking towards me and I don't have enough time to turn around, his alone, am surprised that clingy bitch of a girlfriend of his isn't with him, he sure got over whatever we were fast, He's been with her more, ever since I...when I...stoped talking to him.

I don't think he's noticed me yet, his face is stuck in his phone, thank God, I might just get away from this awkward confrontation, I walk a little faster and keep my head down, as we get closer I close my eyes, willing myself invisible, why is he doing this to me, I haven't even slept with him, why am I such a mess over him, before my head even comprehends wants happening am falling,hard, am literally falling, I think I slipped on the side walk somehow, this is going to hurt, damn me, but I never reach the ground, someone catches me, well not just someone, Lex. I never noticed how muscular he is, it's really hot, I want to stay in his arms, but I know I can't, "sorry" I mumble out while trying to find my equilibrium, I made the worst mistake by looking straight into his eyes, ocean blue eyes, I am speechless, and that says a lot.

He looks straight into my eyes too, it's like a staring contest and neither one of us wants to lose, it's feels like I have been looking into his eyes forever, not that am complaining their beyond beautiful. "Why" I hear him say, I want to hit my head against anything right now, all I want to do is kiss him, all I want to do is tell him I never meant anything I said that day, but I can't do that to either of us, " I have to go, thank you for...yeah" I practically force out, it's not want I really wanted to say, but fuck if I let my heart say and do whatever it wants to, if I did I'd always be heartbroken. I continue to walk away from him again, and it's slowly killing me, he grabs my hand so fast and pulls me back towards him, and drops it just as fast.

So he doesn't want anyone to think anything about this, he's embarrassed with being him, his ashamed of his own sexuality, it's cute, but am no ones dirty secret. "I know you feel this... I know you do, I can't, I won't, let you go this time" he almost shouts, as if he's been holding it in for so long. I almost drop to my knees, those words hit my core, I want to accept that I feel something for him, I know I do, but I can't help but get in my own way, I always ruin something good, and I can't do that to him, I keep giving myself excuses for not allowing this, I keep giving myself excuses for not just saying yes.

I'm tried of running away, but I won't open the gate to have my heart broken again, I won't do that. I want to be with him, but I don't trust myself to be more, with him, "I do.." I confess to him, against my heads wishes, "I feel something for you, but I don't know what it is, I think... we should just be friends" I finally spit out, it was so hard to say those last words, but if I won't allow myself to be his lover then I will take being his friend instead, even though I know this is not the most planned idea. He cracks a smile, his trade mark smile, probably got a lot of girls in bed with that smile, "sure" he says. This is either going to be really bad, or really good, all I know is it won't end well, and right now am okay with that.