insecurities...

[10] ...bloody and bruised

I ran out of the bathroom before she could insinuate further, or so I tried to tell myself, I know I ran out because I didn't want to hear the truth, I didn't want a reason for Lex and I to be a possibility. Yeah I know I'm selfish for thinking of myself right now when I know she also really likes him, when they are a fucking couple, so obviously there's some sort of feelings there, and I don't want to be the reason for their break up, or either of their heartbreak. I didn't waste any time I ran right out of the frat house, I couldn't risk seeing Lex or Clare right now, after looking for my car for a few minutes, I realize that I came with them, and therefore have no ride, am stuck here. It's as if God's sending me a sign to work my shit out before it gets out of hand and stop running, but old habits die hard, and I guess am walking back to campus.

The only good thing coming out of this long ass walk is that am sober, and that I can think straight. I know the feeling of watching someone else touch and kiss someone you know you can't have, and I put him through that, I was so damn childish. When I see him I don't even know what to say, do I apologize, this would be the perfect time for a therapist, free advice from a third party. What do I say when I see her, i can't do that to her, even though I have been, both of us have, she's stuck in the middle of all of our shit. I wish I could just go, somewhere where I didn't have any problems or insecurities, were I could just let go of everything holding me back. Sounds like that Shawn mendes song, but when I'm with Lex I feel like everything can be okay that it will be okay, he makes me feel lighter, I like who I am around him, even if it's just being his friend.

On the flip side I feel like the world is against us, like we can't stop getting in our own way of our own happiness, well mine in particular. It's Dawn already and I've been walkng for fuck knows how long, I haven't even reached the campus yet, am hungry, tried and slightly hangover, all I want now is coffee. Wait, what the fuck, what the actual fuck, just as I look up it's Starbucks. It's our Starbucks, all this time I thought I was heading toward campus to my dorm, but instead I've been walking towards his apartment, if this is not enough of a sign then I don't know what is. I start running in the direction of his block, and my mind is struggling to keep up with my body, it's as if I'm being pulled towards him. I don't think I have a choice, if I do it's him, I want him, fuck the world.

I have a habit of running away from problems and situations, this time thou am running towards them, cliche right. I don't know exactly what am going to say when I get there, just that he is all I want right now. He lives on the fourth floor, and I am in no mood of waiting for the elevator so I quickly head for the stairs, taking them two by two, I get to his floor and I walk just a tad slower towards his door, I don't want to make a scene with my running. I stare at his red door, very ostentatious, it's like bright red, with one of those old round door knobs and no buzzer.

I stare at the door and hesitate before I knock, what if his with Clare, or what if he doesn't want to see me after that stunt I pulled at the frat house, as usual I start overthinking, it's as if my body, today is on auto pilot because I knock before my mind even registers it. There's no time for me to even run towards the stairs because the door opens almost seconds after I knocked, my heart drops it's not even Lex, it's one of his baseball buddy's.

He looks at me, literally up and down, and shouts into the room, "Hey Lex, what's this homo doing by your door". My temper goes up to a hundred and twenty percent, all I want to do right now is mess up this pretty boys face, all I see is red, I clench my fists, because beating up Lex's friend won't get me any where with him, am just about to speak when I hear Lex from inside yell, "How should I know, he's Clare's friend...and she's not here fag, so get lost" those words brutally cut through me, I can't speak, no words are coming out of my mouth, am speechless, all I do is look down at my feet, which are not moving, there cemented to this spot, I want to walk away, I want to go in and rearrange his face, but am frozen.

"Get the fuck outta here, dick head" his friend by the door shouts at me, and pushes me back. That knocks me out of the trance, and before I can stop my self, my fist collides with his face, and blood instantly drips down his nose, which by the way is not pointing the way it should, with my other hand I punch him in his stomach, he falls to the floor and everyone in the apartment rushes to the door. It seems the whole baseball team is here, and as usual I never thought through what I did, I can't run from these guys they will catch up with me, but am not going to get beaten up into a pulp, not today, if I go down swinging then...

I lift both my fists up, already in defense mode, one of them is bloody and bruised already. They all tense up, and surprisingly back away. Lex comes forward, with his hands up, in surrender, showing me he doesn't want to fight, at this point am running on adrenaline, and I really don't give a fuck about the consequences. I won't, I can't hold myself, if he just says anything, I will explode and I don't know if it's in the good way or bad way right now, I take a step back, and I back away from the door and walk towards the stairs.