( 🦋 ) 𝗯𝘂𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗹𝘆 ❜ ʰᵘᵉⁿⁱⁿᵍᵏᵃⁱ ᵏᵃᵐᵃˡ

11/10/19 | 씨혜

NOVEMBER 10 YEAR 19

It was great finally getting the cast off. School was boring as usual.. or maybe it was just me who turned it to that. I don't have friends... well I did, but they all turned their backs on me.

It went back last year, the freshman year of the school. A few of my friends, including this girl named Cheon Jinsoo, passed our entrance exams. They wouldn't have passed if it weren't for me, I helped them cheat using the tapping of my foot as morse codes. I regret ever doing that.

The first year was a nightmare to me. Not because of school itself, but because of them. My so called friends. They bombarded me with their homeworks and essays and I - being afraid to lose my only friends, was dumb enough to agree to do them.

My brother, Namjoon-oppa, caught me doing my friends' work for them once when he unexpectedly came home after his internship application at a hospital.
He scolded me about doing it and said,

"Are you afraid of losing them that's why you're doing this? They're using you sis. Stand for yourself. They're not friends if they're using you like this. It's better to be alone and have yourself as a good support than being surrounded by bad company."

"All you need is you."

"You've done enough, getting them in Minyeol. Yes I know you helped them cheat."

"Please sis, do this for yourself. Not for them."

So without second thoughts, I burned the essays and homeworks they wanted me to do. They went mad at me when they found out and started to tolerate my existence.

I must admit, it was hard at first, but they're the ones who gave up on themselves. That's when I realise that I was better off being by myself than being with them. I made sure of that when I was announced as rank 1 in the whole school.

They're still failing, especially Jinsoo. Too bad her sister was far better than her.

She was the best of friend that I've had and we were so close. But our friendship was toxic. She was drowned in popularity, stereotypes, ego and pride. She's not confident, she's scared. She's always faking. Faking her intelligence, her personality, even her life to make others feel bad and feel low for themselves. She's that type of person who always feel better seeing others suffer. One of the reasons I broke our friendship.

Cause I know she'll never be happy of what I have and will achieve. And that's not a friend.

It isn't about walking in a room thinking you are better than everyone, it's walking in not having to compare yourself to anyone at all.

That's what my brother always told me,
"Be confident."

And I see that radiating from Kai everytime he steps in a room. He has confidence radiating off of him. Probably one of the reasons why Jinsoo is attracted to him to the point that she spreaded rumors about him and her dating.

She's attracted because she doesn't have it. Kai for her, is like a very exotic and expensive limited doll made only for one owner that she just had to claim and mark as her own.

It's pretty obvious. I've known her for years and she has never changed one bit. She's still possessive and obsessive.

I still see her glaring everytime Kai starts a conversation with me - not that I actually wanna talk to this suicidal kid.

I have been pushing myself to do spontaneous activities to cheer Kai up. I took him to ice cream, taking him for bubble tea and to arcade once again.
I'm that one lethargic friend who doesn't wanna do anything, but I did it to cheer him up even just one bit. I don't know him much, but I don't want him to fake his emotions in front of everyone like he did back then.

For his wellbeing.

ㅡ SHIHYE, 12:22