Premeditated Pseudonym

2|Same Crap, Different Day

"Chelsea! Please check the customer in front," my boss said to me while stirring the pot. It had only been 10 am and already a hectic day at the mini-mart. I work for my cousin's mother-in-law and she has not made my time here easy, especially when I'm late for work.

I have been working here for five years. My duties were assisting in the kitchen, washing wares, cashing in the mini-mart, dishing out food, sweeping, mopping, and occasionally spring cleaning the entire place. I don't really have a lunch hour but I can take fifteen minutes to eat and return, but because of how my boss's mood swings occur, I rather not take anything to eat.

I'm always on my feet from morning to afternoon. Thank God I finish at 2 pm, so I can pick up my children from school which is close to my parents' home. My husband and I are not on speaking terms at the moment, so I have to fend for myself, taking three taxis to pick up and return to my parents.

Luckily mummy always cooks lunch before she goes to work, so when we arrive home, we are always lucky to have something to eat. I make sure my kids eat and I take to the bed, scrolling through Facebook until I eventually fall asleep. My kids are really dependent on me, so just when I had finally begun to enjoy my nap, they wake me.

"Mom! Mom! Please talk to Kavita, she scared me." The plight of my youngest daughter. Angrily I shout to my eldest, calling her into the room to discipline her for scaring my baby. As I scold her, they both left and stayed quiet until further notice. Suddenly, they began again, this time, my second and my eldest were fighting and throwing projectiles at each other.

There is never a moment of peace for me after a tiring day of work, but I don't mind because I love my children. I grab my belt and came outside to scold them all but they spot me and began explaining. I hit all of them a few swipes of the belt and warned them that I would be more harsh next time. With that, I returned to my mother's room where I took up my phone and began to scroll again.

My husband seemed not to care because he didn't call or text to see how I was doing, so I unblocked him and checked his last seen in WhatsApp. Just a minute ago he had been online and not even a status or text about me, but he had been posting random funny crap. I really don't understand why he's like this.

It's like he has no emotions towards me. I would be angry at him because of something and he would act like nothing happened, being all lovie dovie with me, but I push him away since I want him to understand what I was angry about. He never gets it, but I guess that's what I get for marrying a younger man.

I blocked him again and continued to scroll through Facebook and Instagram until I fell asleep again. Tired as I am, there's only one thing I love more than coming home to my family, and that's coming home to a nice body massage or a foot rub from my husband. When we were courting, he would have no problem giving me all that attention and love, but since we are married, he does it half-heartedly blaming it on his hands cramping or him being tired.

I suddenly woke up from my nap, angry and sweaty. Those stupid dreams of him hurting me, kissing another female just lingering in my mind like a bad song. "Why was it so hard to forgive him?" I asked myself on many occasions. It's been more than a year since last he hurt me, and we made a vow to start a new chapter in our lives.

I guess with all the relationships I've been in, and all the hurt I received while giving my all, it just messed me up mentally. I know it's wrong of me to withhold my trust from him like this, but if he hurt me again, I don't know what I'll do. I could never stop assuming that he's doing something behind my back since he is a tech wiz and I'm not so adverse in tech as he is.

Because of all my negative thinking, we could never stop quarreling, until I can't take it anymore and seduce him into having intercourse with me. Then when I've had my nasty fill, we fall asleep and we're good again until he speaks. I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth and I'm just so stubborn to change that way of thinking.

He keeps begging me to trust him a little or at least give him the benefit of the doubt, but how can a constantly hurt person learn to be normal again. I love him dearly but I just need him to give me reasons to trust him again. I'm always randomly checking his phone and he allows me too, but I just can't help but think that he's nervous when I do. I'm assuming that it's my messed up mentality again because sometimes he walks out of the room to avoid me saying stuff like that.

I remember when we used to go to church together, he had been living with me and my parents. Things weren't perfect because daddy didn't know how to speak to people and Taylor is ignorant when he's angry. They both are men but I tried to keep Taylor away from my dad since it's his house and he likes his dominant way. Even though living with my parents had its ups and downs, Taylor and I went to church often and there was little to no quarreling between us. It was mostly just mom and dad, sometimes my little brother would get in between them and pick up for our mother.

I honestly wished that we could go back to less quarreling, more church and live in our apartment, all happy and comfortable. My husband has some changing to do and so do I, but I really wish I knew how to change on my own. He says I need to trust him again in order to move forward but I'm just so damaged, I need his support in order to even start.

The next day, my daily routine repeats itself in the same order. Wake up, go to work, come home and try to relax. Again, another day with no phone calls or texts from Taylor. I decided to call him since he won't call me, not that he can since I blocked him. As I dialed his number, the phone rang once and hung up, so I dialed again. He answered quickly this time so I started questioning him. "Am I bothering you, sir? I rang your phone and you hung up on me. Who woman are you speaking to?"

"First of all, good day love! Secondly, I was playing a game on my phone, and I hung up by accident. I answered quickly since I know you would be angry if I didn't answer on time. Why are you like this, I hate being like this love," He replied.

I was just curious about why he didn't try calling me from another phone but his stupid excuse was that no one had any credit on their phone. Like I would believe such nonsense." So all those friends of yours didn't have any credit, and what about your work phone, don't you get a phone call when you ask?" I criticized as he tried to explain the reason why he had not called, but I wouldn't believe him anyway.

He probably was with some chick, having a good time or kissing her somewhere. Maybe he had found a new interest in someone. "Why would he continue lying to me so often? I hate the way I can't trust him." My thoughts ran wild, getting more insecure by the minute. "Why would he love me when he knows so many beautiful women? I'm not good enough, why would he stay with me. I think he's just with me until he finds someone better."

Suddenly my phone rang, it was my dad. My conversation with Taylor was immediately put on hold since I called him with WhatsApp. Dad just called to find out what time mom left for work this morning. Mom and dad were going through an affair situation on both sides but they decided to stay together. That's the reason they quarrel and fight so much. As I got older, I realized that growing up in that environment was not at all helping me with my current relationship.

When we were finished speaking, I noticed Taylor's call had been hung up. Whether he hung up or my call with dad dropped it, I really don't know but he would be accused about it in a moment. First I need to get something to eat. I hadn't eaten all day and I can feel my acid reflux acting up.
I finally ate some food that my mother had cooked this morning. Dhal, rice and smoked herring again, uhhh, but it was better than nothing.

I proceeded to dial Taylor's number again but he failed to answer. I immediately began to type some hateful text but deleted it since I saw him typing. He apologized for not answering since he had been in the toilet, but was wondering what I had been up to. He said he tried calling me back but saw that I had been on another call so he waited.

I let my anger simmer before answering since I hadn't been in the mood for an argument. I explained to him that I had been talking to daddy, not going into details, but he understood. From here on out, our conversation had been mostly pleasant. I missed times like these and I'm sure he does too but we can never have a lot of it since my blood boils whenever I hear him speak.