Premeditated Pseudonym

3|The Bigger Story

I awoke at 3am that morning, unaware of the moment I fell asleep. All I could remember was talking to Taylor and having a pleasant chat. I hadn't blocked him since I fell asleep so I decided to look through all my contact's statuses and scroll through social media. There was no way I was going to call Taylor at this hour since I'm sure he'd be sleeping and I didn't wanna spoil the memory of a pleasant chat with the lies he tells.

I got off the bed and proceeded out of the bedroom to check on my kids. Fast asleep all of them except my second. On her phone she resides, her soul sucked by the white light that emits from that radiofrequency device. She doesn't even notice me standing at the entrance to the bedroom.

Finally, I spoke, "Give me that phone!" She became startled. Makes me wonder what she had been doing that caught all of her attention, so much so that I had become invisible along with everything else in the world. She locked it quickly and handed me the device. I made her unlock it before digging up, trying to find any evidence of her curiosity.

That's when I knew I  had to call Taylor. He was the tech wiz but was nowhere close so he'd have to guide me through the process of digging. I know at this hour he won't answer because he would already be in deep sleep, so I didn't even attempt to call. I hid the phone and proceeded to watch a movie on my phone until I fell asleep.

*    *    *

At 5 am my alarm went off, but my eyes were wide open all night. So much on my mind and money seemed so short, for the deadlines of bills that just so happened to be piling up on me. My wife and I had a big disagreement just a few weeks ago. We were having a seemingly normal day after she had returned from work.

Chelz, that's my nickname for her, said she'll cook rice and stew cabbage with chicken. Something I'd been begging her to cook for a while, but she declined in an attempt to spite me during one of our arguments. So I was happy when she sent me to get another small cabbage and two packs of chilled chicken from the grocery store.

Excited, I threw on a jersey and took the money she handed me. I ran downstairs and started my car, looking for a cool song to bump while on my route. Finally, I found one so I took off. I'm from here, so I knew all the spots with good deals. I made my way to the main road where there was a mini-mart, but he was out of chicken.

There was a little vegetable stand obliquely opposite the mini-mart, so I decided to check them out for the cabbage. Success, one down, just the chicken to go. I drove the next five minutes to get to the Chinese grocery store but once inside, I didn't like the condition of the meat so I was really skeptical.

I immediately left and proceeded to another grocery store, since I knew too many people in the closer one. I got the chicken, but upon looking at the time, I realized that I had been gone for an hour. I knew my wife all too well, and she'd be on edge when I got back after a five-minute run turned to an hour excursion.

As I said previously, Chelz had been on edge. I tried explaining to her why I took so long, but she just insisted that she had to quarrel. I honestly wasn't in the mood so I took to the bedroom. I was so angry that although I didn't like to quarrel, I found myself in a heated argument.

As I made my way back to the bedroom in the back, I heard Chelz tell our biggest daughter to turn off the stove because she wasn't cooking, in an attempt to get back at me. I got so angry, I was starving and she was being really spiteful towards me, after hyping me up for one of my favorite dishes.

I don't hit women, so I pushed her head with one finger out of anger, where she lay on the couch. I proceeded to close the door to our apartment since I knew she hated it being open at night. She decided that she wasn't taking any hits from me, so she got up and fixed her towel. She walked up to me and punched me twice in my face.

I hate when people hit me, especially in my face, then in front of our oldest daughter. That was utter disrespect to me as a man. I flew up to her just as the rage blood flew to my head and I raised my balled-up fist at her but I couldn't hit my wife, so I pushed her in anger. She hit the couch and it slid on the vinyl, so she fell to the floor hurting her hand. I immediately rushed to her after noticing what I'd done.

I picked her up, tears falling from her eyes. I apologized so much, I could have written a novel of apologies. Chelsea didn't want to hear another word from my mouth. She rushed to our daughter's room crying and our oldest daughter followed after seeing everything. I tried all night to comfort her, to talk to her and to make promises to her. Anything I had to do for her tonight I would have done, no matter how absurd it seemed.

The very next day, we both stayed home from work, she was in pain and I wanted to be close, in order to stop her from leaving or doing anything drastic. We spoke briefly on one occasion that day. She wanted me away from her sights so we were in separate bedrooms for the entire time. It was a very uneventful day for us both.

The next day, she seemed normal so I went to work. During the day we talked once, then she blocked me. The wifi on work just so happened to be giving trouble that day so I couldn't do anything. I was in for a surprise when I left work that day. As I pulled up to the apartment, I got approximately seventeen text messages then it had been deleted, but I read it in time and downloaded a video. Upon playing the video, I noticed that she had packed up all their clothes and left.

I ran upstairs to see if it was true. Unfortunately, it was, I was so angry and frightened that she had left for good. I called her first since I didn't have money for gas till tomorrow. She told me to stay away from all of them because no one liked me anymore. She would be in contact but until then she urged me not to call or text. She then blocked me on all social media and from calling her normal.

I put up a series of depressing statuses in an attempt to show her how I felt, although I knew she couldn't see it. I really wish I knew why I'm like this, but I guess that what makes me Taylor. I love this woman, she is my everything, but I don't know why we quarrel and fight like this.

Sometimes it's the simplest of things Chelsea gets upset about, and I know the reason she assumes and gets angry with me so often, is her failure to forgive me. If I can just get her to see that I've changed since marriage, I'm sure we can be normal again. But how can a man who lost all respect and trust from a woman get her to change her mind? She keeps telling me to give her reasons to trust me, and I try, but it seems like my best is not good enough for her. It really dampens my spirit when I think about it, so I try my best not to.

Now my wife is staying at her parents and she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I'm alone in this apartment, bills piling up and I choose to avoid speaking to any of my family about it, since I don't want them to hate her, not that she cares, or so she makes it seems. All I want is to be normal again with my wife and my new family.

After so many years, tears, laughter, pressure, relief, sex, and experience, how can I go back to being single, or worst, divorced? I can't. I just can't, and as she says, I'm the reason for everything, which may not be true but it's something. I know to myself that I am not doing anything wrong, in terms of women, but it's getting her to trust me is the issue.

I try my best to occupy myself in order to keep me away from bad things. She met me singing in a group, she loved it but eventually stopped me. I play my PlayStation to relieve stress and she sees it as a problem. I started playing word games on my phone but again she thinks I'm cheating or speaking to another female. I wish she can just relax and take an interest in some of the things I like for once.

I hope and pray that we go back to normal because I don't know what I'll do if we don't. Chelsea is my everything and I wish she knew it more often. I can't function without her and I'll ruin my life without her in it. Sometimes I feel like I have grown too dependent on her, so much so that it feels scary. The only other person I've felt this way for has been my mother when I was just a little boy.

Guess some things never change. We come out of a reproductive organ to be dependent on a woman, then we spend the rest of our lives trying to get back into another female reproductive organ, being all dependent on that woman. The cycle of life is amazing if you were to think deeply about it.