Our Tears

[TW] Do you truly believe you achieved success all by yourself

Author : CoarsePythagoras
Original publish on : archieve of our own | 2018
Author notes : This has descriptions of self harm and suicide, if you are sensitive to these topics probably don't read this.

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Sighing deeply I enter my room only to be greeted by a cornucopia of clothes and trash.

"Jesus Christ I need to clean this, I mean it's is out of control" I say to no one, Trying to suppress my annoyance I begin to pick up all my clothes and halfheartedly throw them at my wash basket "god I'm gonna have fun washing all of this tomorrow" I grumble, again to no one.

As I move my dirty laundry I notice a crumpled up ball of paper poking out from the corner. As I go to grab it a feeling of dread swells in the pit of my stomach. Who knew that this little piece of paper would cause scars that can never be truly healed or forgotten. I unravel the ball and smooth out the creases, as I begin reading the letter I realise who it's from, the man who ruined my life. My deadbeat of a father.

Letter

Dear Jungsoo, Do you really believe you achieved success all by yourself? I hope you realise that this is all your fault everything that ever went wrong was your fault. As I look back I wish that you had never been born. It was you who caused your mother and I to divorce, your fault that I had to punish you often. I always knew that when you grew up you'd be a disappointment to everyone. It was all your fault every bad thing that happened in you and your friend's lives happened because of you. It was you fault that I did what I did to your grand parents, if you hadn't abandoned them they would still be breathing. I hope that you and your "Boyfriend" never find happiness. You thoroughly disgust me Park Jungsoo.

Yours sincerely,

Dad.

I slowly lower the paper, a waterfall of tears falling down my cheeks. Maybe he was right maybe I am a failure as I read his words I can feel the memories coming back to me like a boomerang, attacking me all over again.

Flashback

It was June 2006, how could I forget that, the moment that none of us saw coming, the moment all of our gruelling hard work paid off. It was our first win, I remember standing on that stage my breath coming out in spurts dripping with anticipation. When they announced "U" as the winner I could barely contain the tears. We were all equally excited and confused.

After the show when all of the excitement had worn off I made the decision to call him. Probably the worst mistake of my life however back then my naive mind really believed that maybe he could have changed.

Ring, Ring

"WHAT!"

With my shaking voice I responded hesitantly, "Hi Dad it's me Jungsoo."

"Oh what the fuck do you want faggot."

(His words were like a punch to the gut, however I played that his words hadn't affected me. Besides I wasn't about to let some homophobic asshole ruin my day).

Using my most confident tone I disclosed the news to him,"We won first place with our song U Dad."

"Wow, really I'm surprised, You're becoming quit successful aren't ya?" I could hear the sarcasm dripping from his venomous mouth.

"Well I wouldn't say that I mean we've only just really started." The nervousness evident in my voice.

"No you're becoming successful but let me tell you something". As the conversation grew his tone became increasingly sharper as if he was scolding me.