Our Tears

this song is about you (but you don't know)

Author : silverkatana
Original publish on : archieve of our own | 2018
Author notes : inspired by loco's 니가 모르게. just a really short oneshot because it popped into my head while i was listening to loco's song lol, hope you enjoyed

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The stage lights are bright upon them as the staff members signal them to make their entrance. Screams are resonating all around, the fans clutching at their banners and glowing lightsticks, and despite all the emotions fluttering about him - nervousness, anxiety, hesitance, lots and lots of worry - Heechul cannot hold back a smile.

He slaps on his familiar mask of confidence and self-assuredness as he waves his hands to the fans, eliciting a response in the form of even louder screams. The beats to the song begin ringing in his ears, and he allows himself to linger upon the screams for a moment longer before he lets himself be drawn into the simple melody, the lyrics leaving his lips more smoothly than butter against marble.

It is their song - every chord that resonates across the concert stadium was carefully crafted by Jungsoo, who stands on the stage gazing out at the fans with a wide grin across his face.

I think of you before I fall asleep

I think of you right when I wake up

Heechul tries to ignore the way his heart does a few funny leaps as he sings the lyrics, uncomfortable rhythms thudding against his sternum, and tries to drown out the words so he doesn't have to think of what every syllable means.

It is difficult when he has to sing the lyrics out, though, and after nearly forgetting to sing one line he braces himself and tries instead to erase the pain that is creeping over his heart.

It is a cheerful song, with cheerful lyrics, yet the happy tune playing in C major does little to ease the ache that makes itself present somewhere deep in his chest. It is their song, after all, and every lyric that slips past his lips was written down in messy scrawls on paper at one in the morning; a cute song about love is what it comes off as, but really, he reflects as Jungsoo begins to sing his part, it is little more than a sad fantasy of what he wished could have been.

There is some reality in it, he supposes, as he lifts the microphone to sing the verses, making sure to keep the smile plastered across his expression.

I love you

I can't express it all with words

I love you

Now I only need you

That much, at the very least, is true. He begins walking to the centre stage just like how they rehearsed, and the radiant grin that Jungsoo shoots him it almost hurts him physically at the way he has to fight to return a smile as equally vibrant as possible.

The stage lights are so bright, and the fans are cheering so loud, and Jungsoo is so very close to him that he almost wants to turn and sing the song to him instead of to the fans.

We might not be each other's firsts

But it's alright because we'll be each other's lasts

And that is where fantasy and wishful thinking comes in, Heechul muses ruefully as he forces himself to keep the corners of his lips curved upwards. He is glad for the opportunity to sing the song live, for him to sing these lyrics that he carved out of his heart's desires out loud for everyone to hear - for the one he wrote it for to hear - and yet the stage is so very suffocating at the same time, the lyrics winding around his oesophagus and choking him tight, the effort taken to maintain his cheerful exterior making both his face and heart ache in protest.

The song is coming to an end, and as Jungsoo sings Heechul lets out a small tired breath as they approach the last verse. He didn't think that the song would be hard to sing when he agreed to the idea of performing it live with Jungsoo - apparently having personal emotions connected to the lyrics makes things a lot harder than they're supposed to be.

I love you

I want to give you everything

He turns to the side slightly to glance at Jungsoo as both of them raise their hands to form heart shapes; but then he realises that he's held his hand out in a finger-heart while Jungsoo has one hand curved over his head in a half-heart.

Oh .

Jungsoo laughs at his own failure to form a heart with Heechul, and Heechul tries his best to force his usual laughter as well, but it hurts more than he expects it to. After all, to him it only displays the truth clearer than ever - they are two halves of a whole that aren't meant to be completed, him a heart that has been withered down to a shadow of what it once was, and Jungsoo a confused one-half not knowing where to find his other half.

At the last moment, for a fleeting breath before their stage ends, while the stage lights are still blaring brightly down upon them, he sings the last few words into the microphone and shoots Jungsoo a heart - visible enough for Jungsoo to notice, quick enough for himself to not blush out of embarrassment.

I love you

I promise that it'll be forever

Jungsoo beams at him as the lights dim and their stage ends, and the fans go wild in the stands and in the seats, their banners held high and their lightsticks glowing sapphire blue. Heechul can only bring himself to muster a smile once they have faded from the stage and the music has stopped ringing in his ears, and when he can banish the lyrics from his head and calm the unsteady pitter-patter of his racing heart.

"Good job!" Jungsoo cheers exuberantly, all delighted and upbeat, as they head backstage to prepare for their next performance.

"You too," Heechul echoes, taking in the details on Jungsoo's face - his eyes, nose, lips - for the briefest of moments before he tears his gaze away and focuses on the screen in the waiting room showing the next few members performing. "The composition was good."

"Your lyrics are great," Jungsoo compliments back as he takes a seat on the small sofa for a quick rest before the next performance, and Heechul can feel his throat going dry as he is once again reminded of the lyrics.

This song is about you, he thinks with a wistful smile as he takes a seat next to Jungsoo, because all he can possibly do at this moment is pretend that everything is okay and that their song is nothing more than a song (because clearly that's all Jungsoo thinks of it).

But you don't know.