Our Tears

[TW] My Letter To You

Author : kaitoudarkmousey
Original publish on : tumblr | unknown

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Leeteuk's always regretted not being honest to Heechul. So now he is, as he writes his last letter.

Dear Heechul,

I don't know if this letter ever reaches you. Maybe it never will... Maybe I will never send it or it gets lost somewhere along its way to you. Or maybe someone else intercepts it... I guess we won't know until that time... Yet there's also the possibility that it does reach you and that you are reading it now, somewhere far away from me. On that note, please bear with me...

I'm actually not really good at writing letters... I never know what to write after all... Or where to start... I guess there is just so much to tell you... Maybe too much...

I'll start at the beginning then. When I first met you. I can remember it as if it were only yesterday. We both know it was 6 years ago, though. Did you know I was completely mesmerised with you? One look at your beautiful dark hair, gently lifted by a warm summer breeze and your striking deep brown eyes and I was mesmerised. One look was all it took for me to feel tingly and warm inside. I wanted to hold you close, never let go of you. I wanted you to be mine and mine only. But that would have been selfish, so instead, I just watched you from afar. 

Sometimes, I thought you'd found out. At those times, you would catch me starting at you and you would stare back just as intensely. I'd forget to breathe at those moments as our eyes met and I'd quickly turn my gaze away from you, hoping you didn't notice the red colouring my cheeks. But you never treated me any differently. So I guess you either hadn't noticed, or didn't care.

In any case, you were always there for me when I needed you. I'm not much of a person to let people worry about me. I don't really show them I'm troubled or anything. But you usually saw through my disguise as a caring hyung to the others. In your own, amusingly awkward way, you'd always find a way to cheer me up when I was down. You always found a way to help me when I had a problem. I'm thankful for that. You were always a good friend.

Ah, but the point is, you're always a good friend to others as well. I guess it hurt a little knowing I wasn't anything special... Ah... I'm such a child when it comes to this... I'm sorry.

Then, one day, our relationship changed. For the worse, unfortunately. I know it was all my fault. I'm perfectly aware of that. I'm the one who moved away all of the sudden after all, promised I would ring you from time to time or email you at least. But I never did. I guess I owe you an explanation for that... Because, honestly... I must have written you hundreds and hundreds of emails, but I never send any of them. They were all trash, really. Just me rambling on about how I missed you... I was ashamed of how cliché they sounded... So I deleted them as soon as I finished them. And then there were the phone calls I never made. I was scared. Each time I picked up the phone I was afraid that when I heard your voice, I'd come running back to you. I was afraid I'd lose my self-control and tell you everything I had so desperately held back.

I just didn't want that...

I also never told you why I moved away... For that, I'd like to apologise as well. And I'll tell you now.

I moved away, because I didn't want to be a burden to you. My body was never quite as strong as I would have wanted it to be and I was always prone to illness. But I never once thought I would end up with something fatal. Yes, that's right. I don't have long to live. Even as I write this letter I can feel my spirit slipping, slowly losing its connection to my body. I won't bother you by going into the details. Everything the doctors told me... It's just too much for me to repeat, to write down... It just scares me to think that it is all real... In the end, I'm a coward. I just know I should have told you sooner... You're probably mad now. You should be...

Now the tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write you this letter in my bed at the hospital ward. Pathetic, isn't it? A grown man like me crying over something so trivial. But I guess it really isn't anything trivial to me... To me, it's the world itself. And I never got to have it. My hand and arm are hurting, I've been writing for too long. I've been writing too much. I'm sure you've already stopped half through if you even bothered to start reading this. So I guess writing this is actually useless... But I'll write it down anyway. The words I've been meaning to say ever since I first met you:

I love you.

I love you with all my heart. I want you to love me too, but I won't demand that from you. After all, how could you ever love a dying man? I could never ask that of you. I want you to live on, be happy with someone you find suitable. So just ignore my secret pleas. All I wanted, was to finally admit it before I couldn't anymore.

Forget about me.

This is my letter to you. These are the words, the feelings I could never tell you. The ones I could only write down for you to read when I'm not around. I regret it... I regret not telling you how I felt... Because now, I'll never be able to...

I love you, my beautiful Kim Heechul. And I'm sorry I never told you when I was still around...

Yours truly,

Park Jungsu.