Our Tears

to love someone who doesn't feel the same (i don't love you)

Author : silverkatana
Original publish on : archieve of our own | 2018
Author notes : it's just another angst fic of mine i guess... enjoy?

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It's not immediately after that he realises. It's not after the first week, or month, or even year. No; it's thirteen years after they've debuted, when he's lying in bed at eight in the morning with no one to talk to in the middle of winter.

He's cold, lonely, bored, and the first person he thinks of just has to be Jungsoo; it couldn't have been someone else - not his sister, nor his childhood best friends - no, it just had to be Jungsoo.

At eight am on a frigid winter morning Kim Heechul sits upright in bed and comes to the conclusion that he misses Park Jungsoo a lot more than he should.

"Jungsoo-ah." He's dialled Jungsoo's number and is speaking into his phone before he can even stop himself, and for a moment it crackles and Heechul realises for the first time how terrifying phone calls can be.

And then Jungsoo replies with a non-committal hum, and Heechul is pretty sure his heart contracts in his chest because it's been too damn long since he's heard Jungsoo's voice (unless he switches on the TV, but that's not quite the same).

Oh, shit.

They're two minutes into a needless conversation and Heechul has to fight down the urge to yell "I miss you" into his phone. They're two minutes into a phone call and Heechul belatedly realises that the last time he's felt like - to some extent, at least - was when he realised he genuinely liked his (now ex) girlfriend.

So Heechul does the only thing he can think of.

He tears the phone away from his ear, and in one swift motion, ends the call with a forceful jab down onto the red button. There's a second of silence before a detached beeping sound fills the air, signalling the cut-off connection, and Heechul lets out a breath he doesn't know he's been holding.

He can't be in love with Jungsoo, he decides adamantly, throwing his phone under the covers as it rings - a confused Jungsoo calling him back. It's too sudden of a realisation for him to believe himself; no , he insists, he can't even begin to like Park Jungsoo. It's just not possible.

It just can't happen.

So he does the next few logical things that he can think of - promptly burying every shred of feelings he isn't supposed to have in the first place, leaving his phone hidden in the covers and not calling Jungsoo back.

Maybe in time, he'll be able to trick even himself into forgetting he ever had feelings towards Park Jungsoo.

You can't have them , he reminds himself as he forces himself to ignore his insistently ringing phone, Not after thirteen years. Not like this.

It's just not possible.

The problem arises when spring rolls around and flowers begin to grow again, and the blanket of white that covers Seoul lifts and gives way to familiar grey pavements and dark roofs. Heechul's phone vibrates halfway through a Sunday afternoon, and he squints at it partway through flicking through television channels to see a message in the Super Junior group chat.

Meet at the studio tomorrow to discuss our upcoming comeback.

He doesn't think much of it, doesn't mull over the possible consequences of seeing Jungsoo again; or perhaps he doesn't allow himself to think about it.

More so the latter.

Not until he's seated at the table joking around with Donghae minutes before the official meeting between the members commences, and Jungsoo conveniently decides to take a seat right next to him, at least. From there, everything passes by in a blur, and by the time the discussion is over Heechul doesn't even know what title song they've decided on because he's been so fixated on keeping his mind off Jungsoo.