Our Tears

[TW] I won't live without you

Author : veltana
Original publish on : livejournal | 2011

Author note : The italics are flashbacks :) I just needed some angst xD Very, very, very un-beta'd!!!!

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"No, you can't do this. I won't accept it" Leeteuk tried to raise his voice but it just wouldn't go up. He was paralyzed and Heechul was still holding his hands, looking at him with an unchangeable look. "Yes" the younger concluded "I can and you have no choice" Heechul released the hands and stepped back.

The scene played over and over again in Leeteuk's mind as he gripped the edge with his toes. He had decided when he was little that he would die barefoot so therefore he was now standing with bare feet at the edge of a bridge.
He was out in the middle of nowhere, that's at least what Heechul called it. But to him it was somewhere. It was the forest where he had grown up, and the one he would end his life in.
The stream of water under him was fast and unrelenting and he knew it would be cold. He had calculated his body to be in too much of a shock when he died because of that so he wouldn't feel the burning pain in his lungs when he wouldn't be able to breathe air, or when his body would bump into the rocks. He prayed that he would be unconscious by the time he ran out of air. He prayed the pain would be so much greater than the one he felt inside himself now. And he prayed that when he finally got to heaven, he wouldn't be able to look down on earth to see him, because angels couldn't kill themselves, and he wouldn't live without Heechul.
Never.

Heechul was driving like mad. Tears were flowing down his face and he punched the wheel every now and again for being so stupid.

He threw the keys I the bowl and loosened his tie.
After drinking almost all the alcohol in his cabinet and fridge he could finally manage to open the box of stuff that Leeteuk had given him over the years. He cried as the threw each photo and each piece of paper into the fire and when he was clawing at the bottom to get the last piece of paper up he noticed what was written on it. He hadn't bothered to check the rest 'cause he was afraid that then he would change his mind and not being able to burn it.
I won't live without you.

The words cut into his heart, his soul and he remembered every time he promised Leeteuk that they would be together forever. Leeteuk had believed him every time and he himself had believed his words. But feeling can change and he never wanted to be left behind, he didn't want to be the one getting hurt when Leeteuk found someone that treated him better then Heechul did. So he left first. He couldn't bear to torch that paper and left everything and went to bed. When he woke up and saw the mess he left he knew he had to find Leeteuk. Fast.

He looked everywhere. At Leeteuk's apartment, at all his favorite places in town and he had called and texted him several times. But the messages didn't send and a voice politely told him that the number was out of order when he called. He had called everyone of Leeteuk's friends and finally, after getting a hold of Donghae, the younger told him Leeteuk had said something about visiting his family's old summerhouse and walk through the forest.

Luckily the roads were nearly empty and Heechul reached the summerhouse in almost half the time it usually took to get out there.
When he parked in the small driveway his breathing hitched and he wanted to scream on the top of his lungs.
Leeteuk's shoes stood right beside his car.

They laid down on the towels in the slope from the forest to the water. The sun warmed their body's whom the water had made cold and they entwined their limbs together and fell asleep whispering about their future.

Leeteuk could see the place from the bridge. They had talked about jobs, and cars and even children. Leeteuk wanted many children and Heechul wasn't sure at all, he wanted peace and quiet.
He shifted his weight and started to tip forward; he then shifted it again and tipped back on his heels. It wasn't that he doubted, it was just that he had trouble picking out the moment he would think about when he jumped. He wanted to die happy, or at least as happy as he could.

Heechul had never been someone who ran regularly, and now he wished that he had been running all the days of his life, 'cause he was out of breathe about the time had had crossed the lawn and found the path into the forest.

Leeteuk had stepped out of his shoes and he had looked at it with a raised eyebrow. "I always walk barefoot in here" he seemed to consider something and added "Well maybe not in the winter but as soon as you can walk without shoes I do it. I want to die barefoot" he happily announced and stepped onto the path.

Leeteuk smiled.
He found it!
He found the moment and gripped it tightly to his heart and played it over and over again on the inside of his closed eyes. He heard the old wood under his feet creak as he shifted all his weight at once. The next moment he was falling and he didn't panic once, 'cause the memory was there to keep him happy and secure.

I won't live without you. Never.